If you’ve ever wondered what your life would be like if you didn’t marry your spouse, you’ve probably faced some tough times in your marriage.
Sometimes, those rough patches are related to major issues like infidelity, but not always. Sometimes, it can just be a compilation of unresolved issues that have taken place over the years. Whatever the case, thinking about being without the one you love is a sign that your marriage is in trouble.
And the thought alone certainly doesn’t mean you will walk away from what you have. It takes a lot more than that. But once you begin having those thoughts, it does open up the possibility of divorce in your mind. You start to wonder if your marriage will stand the test of time. You start to wonder if you can repair the damage.
While these are very legitimate feelings and thoughts to have, you have to be sure you explore all your feelings thoroughly before you call it quits on a commitment you made to stay with someone for a lifetime.
When I vowed to stay with my husband till parted by death, I took those vows seriously. I am sure you took yours seriously as well. But, with that said, it doesn’t mean that there can’t come a time when a person starts to wonder if things just won’t work. But wondering and leaving are two very different things.
So before you quit on your marriage, here are four things you really need to consider.
1. Have you been to individual and couples counseling?
It’s unfortunate, but there is a stigma in the black community when it comes to going to counseling or therapy. The truth is, however, that counseling and therapy are incredibly helpful.
Not only will you be able to get to the bottom of what is really going on in your relationship (and personally), but you can also figure out what your next steps should be and how you should approach things. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. If you feel like you want to leave your marriage, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to get as much help as you can.
2. Was your relationship in trouble before you got married?
Be honest with yourself right now. Did you get married with a bad feeling in your gut because things in your relationship just weren’t right? Or, did you enter your marriage hoping that the exchange of vows would somehow repair an already damaged relationship?
If any of this holds true for you, it’s no surprise that you want to walk away. But if these things don’t hold true, you have to ask yourself how something that once felt so right can now feel so wrong. What’s changed over the years? What can you do to make things better?
3. Are your expectations unreasonable?
We all enter relationships with expectations. Sometimes those expectations are more than reasonable, and something we are way off.
What do you expect from your spouse? Do you want him to meet needs that you should be meeting on your own? Do you want him to do things for you that you are unwilling to do for him? Are you sensitive to what he needs? When needs aren’t being met, relationships begin to suffer, so we always have to ask ourselves if our expectations are reasonable or are we asking for too much.
4. Have you (relentlessly) prayed on it?
Never underestimate the power of prayer. I think if you make a vow before God and you are thinking about breaking that vow, the least you can do is turn to God before you make any decisions. He will guide you in the right direction. He will listen to your concerns. He will calm your fears and anxieties. And most of all, He will help you determine what your next step should be. Now this doesn’t mean that you just pray and
Now this doesn’t mean that you just pray and wait, because you have to take action in your relationship. But it does mean that before you act, you should have a conversation with God.
BMWK family, what are some things you think should be considered before someone quits on their marriage?