We all marry for love with hopes that our unions will last a lifetime. I know that’s why I got married. I married my husband because our love runs deep, and I truly believe we can stand the test of time.
But that’s not the only reason I married him. It’s not just about love. I also married my husband because I felt like he could meet many of my needs. And I don’t just mean my physical needs. I felt confident that my husband possessed the qualities that would allow him to meet many of my mental and emotional needs as well.
We all have needs, and we wouldn’t choose the spouse we chose if we felt like he was incapable of meeting those needs. We chose him because something about him made us feel like he was up for the challenge.
Yet, despite high hopes, many people feel let down after they’ve been married for a while. They start to feel like all the needs they have aren’t being met. Frustration sets in, and soon frustration turns into disappointment. It’s a sad place to be because no one wants to feel disappointed with the person they chose to be with for life.
But when needs aren’t being met, there is always a reason. Knowing the reason why can help you determine what you can do to move forward and hopefully create a marriage where both husband and wife feel like their needs are being met.
Here are four reasons why your spouse may not be giving you what you need.
You haven’t been clear about your needs.
Your spouse is not a mind reader. You can’t expect him to know exactly what you need exactly when you need it. Take the time to communicate your needs to the one you love. If you are clear about what you need, there is a much greater chance that your needs will be met.
Your spouse doesn’t know how to.
Maybe you need something your spouse just doesn’t know how to give. Looking for affection or effective communication? Is it possible your spouse didn’t grow up seeing these things and just doesn’t know how to give them to you? Don’t take everything your spouse does personally. Always consider the possibility that his behavior has less to do with you and more to do with what he saw growing up.
Your spouse doesn’t want to.
I know this sounds harsh, but it’s possible that your spouse just doesn’t want to give you what you need. Do you have unresolved marital issues? Is there lingering pain that hasn’t been addressed? Try to work through whatever is going on before you get upset about your needs not being met. It’s hard for anyone to meet someone else’s needs if they feel hurt.
Your needs are unreasonable.
This is a reality so many people don’t want to face. Are you expecting your spouse to meet needs that you should be addressing on your own? If so, you have to find a way to meet those needs yourself. There are some personal needs that we should never expect another person to meet (For example, don’t expect your spouse to make you happy; happiness needs to start with you first). We have to be able to meet those needs on our own, so we can bring the best of who we are to our relationships.
Needs have to be met if you want your marriage to stand the test of time, but avoid the guessing games if you can. Take a good look at what your expectations are and have a meaningful discussion with your spouse about what’s missing. With some time and communication, I think you and your spouse can get to a place where you both feel a lot better about how many of your needs are being met. Now that’s a good place to be.
BMWK family, what are some reasons you think your spouse doesn’t give you what you need?