Animal attraction and unbridled passion are in abundant supply at the beginning of a relationship. The feeling of his strong embrace, the warmth of her beautiful smile, the scent of her intoxicating fragrance can instantly fill your lover with uncontrollable desire for you. However, as time progresses and life begins to creep into the relationship; intimacy starts to move down on the priority list. Men still want it, women still need and think about it.
Unfortunately jobs, kids, and chores all seem to take precedents over maintaining a healthy vibrant intimate life. Couples have to make a conscious concerted effort to maintain this part of their relationship. It does take time, work, and energy. The payoffs to maintaining and building intimacy are a continuous renewed sense of closeness and understanding, deeper emotional connection, and increased physical satisfaction I have listed 4 guaranteed rules for building and maintaining intimacy in your relationship.
Trust
Trust is a critical component to building intimacy People often make statements like “I trust him with my life.” This same kind of trust has to be present when it comes to intimacy. You must trust that your mate respects you, knows your beliefs and values and would never ask you to do anything sexually that compromises, demoralizes you or makes you feel ashamed or abused. You must also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your mate will never betray your trust when it comes to privacy. That means you understand that sharing intimate text messages, pictures, and love letters are a BIG NO NO.
After all, sharing pictures of your partner and discussing how awesome they are sexually could actually backfire on you resulting in unexpected and undesirable repercussions. Sharing private information could in fact pique the interest of curious friends, family members, and co-workers that have no problems trying to purchase what you so proudly advertised.
Please DON’T confuse or misinterpret what I am saying about trust. If your partner makes a request that is outside of your sexual comfort zone that does not automatically equate to them ripping a hole in the moral fabric of your life. For example, if your intimate encounters have always been confined to the bedroom (before the kids wake up or after they have gone to sleep) and your partner suddenly and unexpectedly initiates sex in the kitchen as the kids are running around upstairs on a Saturday afternoon shouldn’t be construed as a disruption to your morality. It should be viewed as an invitation to step outside of your box and be spontaneous. Having high levels of trust in your romantic relationship allows you to be open to exploring new things and experiencing new levels of intimacy. Don’t be afraid to kick it up a notch.
Communication
Communication is also key to having great intimacy. Don’t assume your partner is a mind reader or has a crystal ball that reveals all of your sexual fantasies to them. The best and most accurate way for your partner to know what you like is for you to actually open your mouth and tell them. Being in a relationship with a person does not guarantee a transfer of information telepathically or by osmosis. I teach couples how to create a safe space for having open and honest conversations on any topic including sex. That space is called a “Safety Zone.” Couples should trust one another so completely that they are comfortable with sharing their most intimate fantasies and deepest desires.
This does not mean that some things that are shared won’t be agreed upon. It just means that you have a relationships that honors, respects, and welcomes open dialogue with your significant other. Ladies, I caution you to be very very thoughtful in how you respond to what your man may muster up the courage to ask for sexually. If your response to his requests and suggestions are consistently negative, abrasive, and mean; he will eventually stop asking you. That does not mean that he has stopped thinking about it, nor does it mean that he is not getting his fantasies fulfilled. It just means HE IS NOT ASKING YOU to put on that sexy teddy, dance seductively for him, and make passionate love to him without having to worry about getting rejected, a bad attitude, or messing up your hair.
Additionally, men I caution you to not belittle or demean your woman if she is sexually adventurous and wants to introduce you to new intimate experiences. Men don’t allow your insecurities to make her feel ashamed for wanting to try something new. Good communication will give your partner the opportunity to respond to your needs as well as address areas that need improvement. You can’t hold your mate accountable for not fixing what they don’t know is broken or not giving you what you want or need if you haven’t shared with them what that is.
Open Mind
The best thing that people can bring to an intimate relationship is an open mind. If you completely trust your significant other then you should be open to having new experiences with them. Be open to learning new techniques and positions, having sex in new places, touching each other in new ways, discovering new areas of their body to pleasure. Don’t be afraid to incorporate something new that you’ve seen, heard, or read about.
There are a myriad of sex guides, toys, and creams that all serve to help enhance your intimate experience. The next time you are intimate with your partner, I challenge you to literally open your mind and allow yourself to be totally immersed in the moment. Open yourself up and delight in engaging all of your senses. Inhale the delicious scent of your mate’s body, savor the taste of their lips, feel of the smoothness of their skin, listen to the sound of their breathing, relish in the movement of their body in response to yours….be completely open and surrender to the moment.
Humor
Humor was a hard thing for me to bring into my intimate experiences because I take life and everything in it so seriously. I had to get over myself and learn to see the humor in things including sex. Making love does not always look like what is depicted in the movies. Sometimes things happen. You may fall while trying a new position. You may fall off the bed, break the bed, or hit your head and it’s funny and perfectly ok. You may inadvertently burp, pass gas, or catch a Charlie horse cramp in your leg or foot. Your words may get mixed up or you might even uncharacteristically belt out a naughty word or two; that too is quite alright.
All those things can happen before you even get to the contorted faces and weird noises people make at the height of sexual satisfaction. I’m sure some lovers have been caught off guard with the facial expressions and weird sounds they have seen and heard while making love. All I’m saying folks, is that a sense of humor is priceless when any of these situations occur during love making. Don’t take yourself so serious just do what you do, enjoy the moment, and have fun.
BMWK: Can incorporating these rules enhance intimacy in your relationship?