Semantically speaking, is there a difference between being married and being a wife or husband? I think so. Follow me on this.
Which do you usually hear when you ask someone their relationship status: “I’m married”; or do you typically hear, “I’m Kelly’s husband” or “I’m Thomas’ wife.”
Semantically speaking, being “married” connotes that you (your identity) have entered into the entity of marriage. But being a wife or husband connotes that you (your identity) are inextricably tied to being someone’s spouse.
In part, your identity is directly tied to the roles, responsibilities, and compromises that go along with it. And with this semantic distinction, it’s not a far stretch to see how all these additional responsibilities and compromises added to your identity can make you feel like you’re losing your identity in a relationship.
Still following?
Chloe, a 30-something single mother has been in a dating-relationship for two years.
“How do I be a supportive mate and mother while maintaining my individual identity?” she asked.
What’s happening is Chloe is paying ‘the tax’. The Relationship Tax. What is it? Like the IRS, it’s the unknown cost you begrudgingly…but willingly…pay for the privilege of being in a relationship.
The difference is that the cost Chloe is paying is not just with money, but also with the compromises that come with being in a relationship. And it’s those compromises that got her feeling like she is losing her identity.
In general, this is a good thing because paying the tax forces you to change selfish single ways that you wouldn’t change otherwise. But the cost of paying the tax sometimes feels burdensome.
So how do you obtain and maintain a relationship, pay your relationship tax, and not lose your identity in the process?
First, let me set your expectation. In every happy loving relationship, relationship taxes must be paid. If you aren’t paying any relationship taxes, then know…your mate is miserable. Because he or she feels like their feelings and concerns are being straight ignored.
In order to maintain your identity, you must master these 4 practices in your relationship.
Practice knowing yourself…first.
People interpret life from the perspective of their values and belief systems. If you don’t want to lose yourself in a relationship, then you have to know yourself first…before you try to understand:
- Who you are in a relationship, which is different from who you are as a single person and
- Who your mate is. PRACTICE understanding how your values and belief systems influence your decision-making as a single person, and as one in a relationship.
Practice communicating what you know about yourself.
The reason why communication is such a struggle in relationships is because some people don’t know themselves. As such, they don’t know how to communicate certain feelings they don’t understand.
That’s why when some people encounter something they don’t understand, they choose silence, withdraw, or deflect on other issues as diversionary tactics to give them time to process and understand their feelings.
This gives them the space they need to explain these feelings to themselves before explaining it to you…with all your thought provoking follow-up questions.
PRACTICE communicating your thoughts and feelings in a clear concise way…so that your mate understands what you’re feeling – not what they think you’re feeling.
Practice setting expectations.
Trust is built by meeting the expectations your mate has of you based on your relationship status (boy/girlfriend, fiancee, husband/wife). The more you meet their expectations, and based on your relationship status, the more they trust you – and vice versa.
PRACTICE communicating your expectations for what roles, responsibilities, and compromises you’re willing to do. But you must know yourself and know how to communicate what you know in order for your mate to understand what your expectations are…not what they think they should be.
Practice the ‘sliding scale’ of investing in relationships.
It works like this: if your mate proves that they’re empathetic of your feelings and concerns in their interactions and decision-making towards you, then invest a proportional amount of emotional energy and time in the relationship.
And later, if their empathetic interactions with you wain, so too does your investment of emotional energy and time in the relationship.
As a rule…I recommend you PRACTICE this sliding scale for investing in your relationships. It allows you to pay the relationship tax with the parts of your identity where you feel your mate has earned your trust, and retain the parts of your identity where they haven’t.
In every happy loving successful relationship, you’re gonna have to pay the ‘identity’ relationship tax. The real question is…is the person you’re with worth the relationship tax you’re paying? If not, setting your expectations and practicing the sliding scale of investing in relationships allows you to regain the portions of your identity you feel are not worth the relationship tax you’re paying and double-down in the areas where you feel your mate’s trust is merited.
BMWK – How important is balancing the payment of the ‘identity’ relationship tax and maintaining your individual identity?