There is a stage of life called “the meantime.” This is when you are in transition from one particular season of life into another. For example, when you are making the leap from being a college student to being a professional, from being childless to being a parent, and from being single to being married. This is a time of waiting, of anticipation, and of excitement. It’s also a time of preparation and growth. Or, at least it should be.
For many singles, “the meantime” leading up to marriage is difficult. The waiting can get old and can wear on you, which is why it’s important to be on guard for the behaviors and attitudes that come from getting impatient and from acting out impulsively. Consider these five behaviors to avoid while waiting to marry and determine how well you are doing in “the meantime.”
1. Sleeping with another person’s spouse
The desire to be married or to be loved should never lead you into a married person’s bed. Not only do you contribute to breaking a marriage covenant, but also you set yourself up to be cheated on once you get married. Furthermore, your self-esteem plummets when you stoop that low just to feel close to someone. The married person may string you along and promise marriage to you at some point. But just know this, if he/she cheated the first time, there is a strong likelihood that cheating will occur again. Either way, you will reap what you sow.
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2. Being jealous or envious of another person’s spouse or marriage
I’ve heard from single women who say, “I can be a better wife than she is.” “She doesn’t treat her husband like he’s supposed to be treated.” “I’m nicer/sexier/smarter than she is. Why can’t I find a man?” On the other hand, men might wonder, “How did he get that kind of woman?” “He’s not making the kind of money that I am making.” These types of comparisons don’t lead to the marriage of your dreams. They lead to competition, low self-esteem, and an envious attitude. When you secretly desire someone else’s marriage, you don’t have any room in your heart for God to bless you with your own marriage. Instead of making comparisons and being jealous, why not be happy for the couples you know and do your best to stay out of their business because no one knows what happens in a marriage behind closed doors.
3. Appearing desperate and lonely
I remember my parents teaching me that how you carry yourself matters. People will respond to you and respect you based off of what’s on the outside, first and what’s on the inside, second. Sure, things should be flipped, but the reality is that they aren’t. That’s why appearing desperate and lonely is not a good look for someone desiring a healthy, happy marriage. Grown, single women can appear desperate if they are always dressed provocatively or if they are constantly seeking attention from a man. A man might want you for a night if you appear easy, but I doubt if he will want you for a lifetime partner. Grown, single men can appear desperate, too. Every time you see them they might be trying to pick up a different women. They grope and grab women, use cheesy pick up lines, and wear too much cologne. They are just desperate and maybe even a little creepy. To attract a woman who will respect you as a man, you need to dress like a man and not like a teenage boy. You also can’t appear to be on the prowl. Appearances matter for men and for women.
4. Speaking negatively about the opposite sex and about relationships.
What comes out of your mouth matters. All men are not dogs, and all women are not gold diggers. All men will not cheat, and all women aren’t trying to trap you in a relationship by getting pregnant. If you speak negatively about the opposite sex, then you meet and date negative people. You also have to stop speaking negatively about love and relationships. If you have been betrayed in the past, that doesn’t mean you will be betrayed in the future. Statements like “I don’t trust anybody,” and “I’m not giving my heart away again” set you up for failure. You will never experience the blessing of marriage if you don’t trust or open your heart. So be careful how you speak about your future spouse and about marriage. Your tongue can block you from your blessing.
5. Attaching your happiness and identity to another person
If you don’t know who you are right now and if you aren’t happy in your single status now, things will not change once you jump the broom. Another person can’t make you happy, even if he/she is your spouse. It’s sad to see one person in the marriage be totally consumed by the other to the point that he/she doesn’t know who they are. Just because you come together as one in marriage doesn’t mean you don’t have individual personalities or interests in life. The union of marriage helps both spouses grow into who they are individually while at the same time grow together as a couple. So, regardless of your marital status, be happy now, love who you are now, and walk in your purpose now.
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If you are single and desire to be married, your day will come if it is God’s will for your life. What you do now, in the meantime, has a profound impact on what happens once you say “I do.” So, don’t block your marital blessing by getting impatient and opening yourself up to the wrong attitude or behaviors. Instead, focus on how you can experience the blessings of life now, which will make your marriage stronger and happier once it becomes a reality.
BMWK family, what are some other behaviors to avoid while waiting on marriage?
Ms. says
Thank you for this article. Turning 40 next month, childless and unmarried, I went through a rough time about a year ago wondering when I would get married and have a family. I didn’t engage in any of the things mentioned in the article, but I did have a few ugly cries 😉 before I put things in perspective. I have time to get to know me better, I have time to mentor, volunteer, pursue my degree, spend time with friends/ family, and decorating my new home. In the ‘meantime’, I’m loving the ‘just me’ time 🙂
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Love it. “Ms.” There is a lot of good we can be doing in the meantime. Sounds like you are enjoying life. That’s wonderful.
Afrika says
Stay out of my business “Ms!” Besides, you got my birthday wrong. It was a few months ago. Plus, I already have my degree. If you’re going to talk about me, get it right. Oh, wait, you weren’t– oooohhhhh, my bad. Hmm. I guess the lesson here is that we aren’t alone. 🙂 I can name several beautiful, intelligent, fun, talented 40yr old women of God who are also virgins. Don’t let the media fool you. Let’s pray for one another!
Ms. says
Hi, don’t have a clue who or what you’re talking about? Have a productive day 🙂
Renee says
Afrika was being sarcastic but connecting to what you were saying..like a LOL I’m just like you. I got what you were saying Africa loud and clear.
Ms. says
Hi Renee and Afrika,
LOL, Ok I got it now. Still LOL……:)
Onedestiny777 says
@ Ms… Duuuuuuh. LOL
Onedestiny777 says
Oh and I’m being funny as well. Just thought the thread was funny. Wishing all of you well and many blessings!
Whatif says
Ladies, I too will be 40 this year and I am childless/husbandless. I hear what you all are saying but I’m about to break down, grab the first raggedy man I see, clean him up, put a tic tac in his mouth and make it happen! Who’s with me?????
Somich says
Nah mama, don’t do it, when the ‘clean up’ cannot b maintained on HIS strength n that tic tac wears off, it’s gonna wear u out, n not in a good way….hang in there. Will be 42 in less than a month. Is life what I thought it SHOULD be by now ? Nope. BUT I am clear on why. Settling for raggedy is beneath your privilege, chin up, shoulders back and walk like the child of grace that u are.
Scorpia_11 says
Thank you for writing and sharing this article. The “meantime” can be a very difficult phase, but as you said, it allows us to prepare and grow so that we can be who we need to be and do what we need to do when God takes us into the next season. I have had my struggles with the “meantime” but by faith in God’s Word, with prayer,and the encouragement and support of family and friends, I know that my time is coming. As the young lady mentioned in the previous post, I’m making the most of my time and becoming a better me and focusing on the things God has in front of me right now. In due time, I know that I will reap the harvest of all that God has promised me.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Yes. . . you will reap if you faint not. I dealt with the meantime with infertility. I know it is a tough season. After all the crying and “woe is me” stuff, I decided to LIVE the life I had. When I did that my blessing arrived . . to everyone’s surprise.
Enjoy the meantime.
Ruthy says
Can i say an AMEN to this Scorpia! When we wait patiently in the LORD He stitches our life together and makes for the lost time. He brings what you deserve in your life and far much better than anticipated. He knows the tears we have cried and the wounds inflicted in us. Lets trust His timings and i really love how you have put it. In the “meantime” we are together in this. Be blessed.
Crystal Marie says
I enjoyed this! Thanks for the post. The first is an obvious one but I guess it needed to be said. Thanks for sharing!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thanks Crystal. What we think is obvious is also very common. You are correct. Somebody needs to hear it RIGHT NOW. “Leave that man/woman alone!”
1619 says
I needed to read this too!! I have been in a relationship with a married man for 5 years so I know how it feels. You described my symptoms to perfection. Thank you for those words!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
I pray you find the strength you need to wait for a man who loves you enough to commit to you and only you. You deserve more!
LizaMiller80 says
This was a much needed piece to keep the “singles” motivated to continue on with life! Wisdom & experience has taught me that there’s a blessing during the wait! In my 20’s, it was a pleasure to broadcast my singleness. However, I’ve learned my singleness is just a temporary “status” that can be changed at any moment. So with knowing this, I’ve learned to be content with myself. I’ve learned to get to know ME! When I started answering questions such as: What makes me happy? Can I be content eating alone or going to the movies alone? If nobody else wants to hang out or be with me, does that change my “doing?” I’ve further embraced my family; this helps with loneliness. Last of many discoveries is I’ve began to travel, explore new cultures, try new foods. I’m going skydiving.
Plus don’t forget: learning … New recipes, traditions & housekeeping
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
That’s awesome Liza. There are singles who need to embrace the singleness. It is not shameful to be single.
Deenikki3 says
The meantime is rough, especially when getting married may be the one thing you want right now more than anything. But, we must look to the future and believe that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart. My biggest issue has been patience, but God is still working on me 🙂 Great article 🙂
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thanks so much. God is still working on all of us. We all need more patience. Thanks for the comment. Somebody needs to hear what you said.
Afrika says
As Godly women, I would hope that these behaviors would not be named among us anyway. Adultery? Covetousness? Those are basic “shalt nots.” As we move on to perfection… let’s also work on not flirting with married folk nor affirming them when they flirt with us. Don’t fret when the wicked prosper (or get a decent man.) Pray for them. That green grass may just be outdoor carpet… or the result of a lot of s– (ahem) special fertilizer they’ve had dumped on them.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
OMG Afrika. That would be our hope. These top 5 are TOO COMMON. No one will ever admit it but they are. They are spoken about behind closed doors.
Tiffanyd58 says
in my meantime I have found myself (gasp) under one of these behaviors. It is very disappointing to find myself there, BUT with God’s help I am not there anymore and I am pursing a closer intimate relationship with Him.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Good for you for making a change.Your future marriage and self esteem depend on it. You are exactly why I wrote this. There are people who are dealing with these issues but they are on the “down low.” I’m happy you are starting to live with dignity.
Abi says
Thank you Dr Michelle for these words of wisdom. I am patiently waiting for my “Boaz” to find me. In the meantime, I am going to work on my assignment. I am sure God is preparing me just as He is preparing Him.
I don’t enjoy loneliness and it’s all about my attitude and how I see things but I absolutely don’t mind being “alone” with God during this season of my life and having real Intimacy with ” my Husband” ,
my “Maker” and the “Lover of my Soul”
Doris Burriss says
When my Grandfather passed away & left my Grandmother all alone about after 5 yrs
I said to her aren’t you lonely her answer was she looked at me and said when you have God
you are never alone.She passed away in 1981 and I still remember her telling me and when I get lonely I remind myself of what she said and now I am not lonely anymore.Listen to your elders.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Yes ma’am. It takes time especially when you have been married a while. But God can fill any void.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
You are welcome Abi.
Political Pete says
I like this Dr. Michelle writer. Good addition Tyler & Fam!
– Political Pete!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Aww thanks Political Pete. I feel the love. 🙂
Spook-1 says
so…after marriage, we can do these things? 🙂
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Haha. Many people do, unfortunately. :0
Bsugar says
My now Fiancee and were in a relationship 2 yrs ago. We talked long distance for 3 months before meeting. By his second visit to see me, I begin to realized that he had misrepresented who he was and indeed had an alcohol and smoking problem (totally outta my sphere ). When I confronted him about not having been honest with me, he responded by saying we where in love and made a great couple otherwise, and I should be able to handle his habits. I did not immediately end the relationship, but began praying more deligently for him and feeding him the word. I also required him to attend church with me everytime he came to visit. My Pastor called him out and spoke to him individually about some things that GOD was doing and going to do in and for him. I would even see him reading the bible sometimes.This made me feel a little bit better, but it seems to me that he got worse(of course). After church I would be arguing with him about just leaving church and running to the store to get beer for the football game. Don’t get me wrong he is a great brother sensitive, caring, cooking, cleaning etc, but he did not me MY first standard and that was a saved man,in relationship with GOD!! I just refused to deal with him any more and ended the relationship, he was heartbroken and talked about how much he loved me…my response was that may be true but I am sorry you don’t meet my standard, I am looking for a long term relationship to marriage. Over the next two years, I would get text messages from him apologizing, asking me to forgive him, saying he had been giving not one but two chances and he messed up and lost the BEST women in the word, wishing me Happy Mother’s Day, Christmas you name it. He also said at one point he had revamped his life, and realized that he needed to grow up (I had no idea what that meant)….I almost never would respond, and if I did it was to say leave me alone, or accuse him of stalking and I was going to call law enforcement,or say that I had moved on (I really had) and that he should too. Of course he didn’t stop… for some reason he decided to email me instead of texting about 2 months ago, just asking me to at least respond and I did, which started a conversation between us. I would wait days to reply so that he didn’t feel like he was making an progress…and at some point I begin to remind him of who I was as a women, and my requirements for the man I would submit to…After about a week of talking, I almost passed out when I read…I’m not that person any more, I realized I needed to grow up, I am now SAVED and BORN AGAIN, and I would like for you to give me the chance to show you the new me and redeem myself…He had previously asked me to forgive him and went through a list of things that he realized hurt and disappointed me. After our break up I did continue to prayer for him, not for the sake of reconciling, but simply for his SALVATION. Long story short about 30 days ago he came to visit me, presented me with a ring that he had bout 8 months ago, saying he just could not get over me,and the women he found me to be. In fact he had been plotting, planning and praying that GOD would soften my heart so that I would at least be willing to listen to what he had to say. I have to tell you I am still in shock, not only about the Man he has become(TOTALLY DIFFERENT), and the things he says and shares about his transformation, but the way this all happened. I never would have dreamed this!!
Sister’s be open and willing…he said to me he had never dated a women who cared and was genuinely concerned about him as a man/person…
Our wedding will take place in mid January 2012 ( I’m ready, I knew somebody was coming, just didnt think it would be this soon, or that it would be HIM)
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Wow. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. What’s important is that you got out of the way and let God work on him. Congratulations and I pray the best for you and your future husband.
KEITH says
My husband and I dated for one month before he asked me to marry him. We were married five months later a wedding at my church. We have been married 15 years it has been wonderful. My husband and I had never met before until one Sunday I walked in a church with my best friend, I had never been to that church before. I was following my friend there to hear a gospel group sing. My husband was sponoring the program. He was standing in from of the church talking about his mother. His mother was in a nursing home, he was crying saying he goes to see his mother everyday at the home. He is the baby out of 10 children. He said he was asking God to send him a wife and when I walked in the church the Lord spoke to him and said there is your wife. That was Oct. 1995 we didn’t see each other again until April 1996. We started dating and in May after Mother’s Day he ask me to marry him. We were married Oct. 5, 1996. I had two girls(Danita &Timeni) and he has always treating them as his daughters not stepdaugthers. They love and respect him as their father. My husband at 39 didn’t have any biological children so we had a daughter who is now 14. It doesn’t take years to know someone if they know and love Jesus. My husband said to me if I say I love you, you want have to worry about nothing and it’s been 15 years and he has never lied!
Virginia says
This article was awesome! This article encouraged me to continue to walk in Gods purpose for my life: to enjoy my singleness, to keep God #1, to prepare myself for marriage, to speak life and not death about my future, to pray for myself and my future husband (if it is in the will), to continue to stay holy. I loved this….
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thanks Virginia. As long as you are seeking God’s will, everything will be alright. 🙂
Singledoc says
This is a refreshing change of pace from “why you black women are still single” and “here is the recipe for finding a husband” type of articles. I finally figured out not too long ago that the key to being happy is living in the present. Let’s face it. Some if us will never be married, unless we try to force the issue, which could lead to unhappiness. Married people have tried to guilt me into feeling bad about not being able to share my financial successes and accomplishments with a husband and kids. Sad about being able to travel the world whenever I want? Dine out when I want? Change my wardrobe without hurting my budget? Surrre. lol.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thanks Singledoc. I don’t like those types of articles either. Make the best of the life you have right now!!
Babigurl1973 says
Iyanla wrote a book about the meantime… Its helpful as well. Knowing yourself and pursuing things that speak to you and staying positive will attract the things you want in any case.
Dr. Johnson, your article definitely touched on some of the major things people do to block their blessings… Coveting other’s situations or spouses being a definite no-no, as well as speaking poorly about love and adopting a negative attitude towards love because you have been hurt…
Letting go and moving on without baggage is hard for many people and that is why some women are still alone. What they don’t realize is that once a man gets to the inside, its obvious that there are issues that still need to be dealt with and sometimes getting to the inside is easy because it jumps right out of their mouth in the first date!
diana says
i love your article on “in the meantime” i’m 48 yr virgin waiting on my blessing from God, and i’m not sitting at home waiting, i have been on several cruises, to vegas, i hang with my single and married friends, i’m learning to prepare myself for a husband, such as leaving room in the closet, cleaning the house now, shopping and doing laundry so when he comes i will already know how to take care of the house and will have my own interests. i was waiting on “him” to travel and have fun but he was taking too long so i learned how to go ahead and he will catch up or i will have a lot of places to show him around
Maria says
I know this blog is for those married with kids, but its nice to read an article that focuses on those who desire to be married with kids. I come across a lot of married men who are willing and ready to cheat. I often wonder if my day will ever come and if it is God’s will for me. The question is what DO you do in the meantime? I’m trying to figure that out now. Thanks for the post!
Selisa Wilkinson says
This is a really great article. The info may seem basis or redundant, but it needed to be said.
SANDRA SIMMONS says
i agree it was much needed.
SANDRA SIMMONS says
THANKS FOR YOUR ARTICLE. IT WAS VERY INFORMATIVE. I AM IN THE MEANTIME AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 32 YEARS. I AM NOW DIVORCED AND CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP WTH A GUY FOR 1YR. HE IS THE KINDA GUY I HAVE HOPED FOR. HE IS KIND, HONEST, LOVING, ECT. ECT. BUT HE IS NOT PERFECT. HE IS AFRAID OF MARRIAGE. HE HAS SEEN SO MANY END. I TELL HIM ITS WHAT U MAKE OF IT. I JUST TRY 2 LEAD BY EXAMPLE WHEN IT COMES 3 HIM. FOR EXAMPLE HE DOESNT GO 2 CHURCH BECAUSE OF WHAT HE CALLS CHURCH FOLKS. I GO AND THEN WE DISCUSS WHAT THE SERMON WAS ABOUT. HE HAS GREAT INPUT ON THE SERMON. I HAVE NOTHING BUT LOVE FOR HIM. I WILL CONTINUE 2 PRAY FOR US BOTH. I PRAY THAT AS WE ENTER INTO OUR 2ND YEAR THAT THE RELATIONSHIP WILL CONTINUE TO PROGRESS. WE DONT SEE EACH OTHER OFTEN BUT WE TALK FOR HOURS NIGHTLY ON THE PHONE. HE WORKS DURING THE DAY, I WORK AT NIGHT. WE TRY 2 GET TOGETHER ON WKENDS BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH OFF. MOST TIMES IT DOESNT HAPPEN BCAUSE OF FINANCES ON HIS PART. HE WANTS 2 TAKE ME OUT AND SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH ME. SOMETHING I DIDNT HAVE IN MY MARRIAGE. SO PRAY MY STRENGHT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
Jeanette says
This was a very sound article unlike most written on here, especially by the women. this is great advcie to single people. This how I was before I got married.
Jeanette says
I also would like to add that this article was not one-sided like most the the articles written on this website. The author kept it “real”.