When we consider marriage, we hear time and time again about the ingredients that make a marriage work. Love, honesty, trust and communication are a few of those that normally soar to the top of the list. We are also familiar with the actions that lead to the destruction of a marriage. Infidelity, abuse and neglect all go to the top of that list. However, do we ever consider those things that we don’t necessarily see as destroying a marriage, but over time can definitely lead to the wear and tear of a relationship?
Below are the character defects that should be barred from marriage. If you happen to fit quite nicely into any one of these characteristics, don’t fret, there’s hope.
The Score Keeper is most concerned with winning than in what’s best for the marriage. Their ultimate goal is to be right. People in a relationship with this person will eventually stop communicating as a result of never feeling heard or never feeling they have a real opportunity to express their feelings. Taking responsibility and admitting when you’re wrong isn’t always easy, but it’s fair. We all make mistakes but we should learn from them and keep moving forward. We must humble ourselves by considering what the best outcome for the partnership is. Being mindful of our intentions and uncovering our need to win is also helpful. Ask “What can I do in this moment to create peace?” Using that as a guide when you have a strong urge to prove you’re right is true victory.
The Complainer is never satisfied and nothing ever appears to be good enough. The expectation of things not working out is constant. Constant complaints from one partner make the other feel inadequate. For this defect, I recommend creating a list of all the positives in the marriage. Asking questions like “Which awesome qualities does my spouse bring to the table and what are the benefits of my marriage?” is a useful tool. By examining all the ways your spouse puts forth effort makes it easy to stay focused on the blessings. It quickly becomes noticeable how much the good normally outweighs the bad.
The Negative Nelly or Ned is just in an awful mood the majority of the time. This defect is known for draining the energy right out of the room. Others in the home would rather spend time away from home than with their spouse. The outlook is typically dim and hopeless. The main action needed here is to get to the real source of the attitude. Sometimes it’s a matter of not being sure just how to be happy. Asking questions like “Why do I feel the way I do and what can I do to feel better?” Seeking the appropriate outside assistance is sometimes necessary.
The Greedy One constantly looks out for numero uno. Sacrifice and commitment are battles with this defect. It’s always what’s best for them without consideration of their spouse. I will admit, early in my marriage this was my struggle. I cringed when I would hear the word selfish because in some areas it rang true for me and it was not an easy pill to swallow. Making my husband feel he wasn’t as important as I was in the relationship was simply selfish. Seeing the error of my ways allowed me to make my spouse a priority. Asking myself the following questions was also helpful “what can I do today to honor my husband or how can I demonstrate how much I love, support and need him on a consistent basis.” Staying aware of the fact there are two people in the relationship and both have to always feel loved is vital.
The Lazy One neglects contributing the necessary amount of energy and enthusiasm into their relationship. This defect feels if the romance suffers it is okay and if the communication is challenged it doesn’t matter. They are normally not willing to do what it takes to maintain a solid relationship. The questions that need to be asked here are “What does my marriage mean to me and how often do I show it?” The ideal situation is to never allow a marriage to arrive at a state where the romance or communication struggles. But if it does we must be willing to give and do whatever is needed to bring it back to life. Marriage requires our full attention. It won’t work if we half do it.
If you have found yourself having any of the above character defects, remember it is not the end of the world. Here’s the hope I promised. Admitting you fall into the category is the first step. Next is recognizing the behavior has been damaging to your relationship. And last is always making an honest intention to do better. Remember, with that intention comes action! If there is anything harming your marriage, do what you must in order to release it.
BMWK, which character defect has shown up in your marriage and how has it been handled?