I was inspired to write this post while reading the book, The Warmth of Other Suns, by Isabel Wilkerson. What an amazing book! Just a few pages into this 1,000 plus page moving account of the “Great” migration of African Americans from the South to every part of this country, and something has hit me. There are so many lessons for black marriages from black history. In fact, my marriage, your marriage is black history.
We are the survivors of marriages that have endured unthinkable systemic stresses.
When I read the accounts of young men and women who found the strength to leave all that they knew and strikeout to the North, the East and the West it brings clarity to the strength of the Black family today. I think of my own grandparents who left Florida to head North with hopes of more for future generations. As we come to terms with all that black families have been through, the mere fact that we are strong and standing today is cause for celebration and inspired reflection.
5 Lessons for Black Marriages From Black History
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For the last few years, I have traced both sides of my family back to the early to mid-1800s. Along the way, I have had to imagine what they faced, like, why my dark, dark-skinned grandfather, who married my fair skinned grandmother, is listed on the marriage registry in North Carolina as “white.” Or the gaps I fill in, in my mind of my maternal grandmother’s wild accounts of taking trips to and through the south with their two young kids. As they located places for the kids to go to the bathroom, weeks before they even began the trip, and networking for places to stay with friends of a friend…
The marriages of the Jim Crow era were marriages of immeasurable strength by people of immense courage and fortitude. What they had, what it took to survive in marriages of the past did not just fall to the ground. Rather, it was passed on to us. Marriages today are historical markers, forever linked to the marriages of the overcomers of our ancestors.
The stories of our collective past, are our tutors. Here are a few lessons the courage, strength and fortitude marriages of old give us.
Unity
External pressures weighed on the marriages of old with pressure and force that drives couples of today apart. Couples found strength in each other by remaining one in thought and action. Today’s marriage success must also rely on this element of unity.
Commitment
Our families are worth fighting for. In much of black history, families were forcefully separated. However, through the understanding of commitment, our relationships have become stronger when we fight for them.
Prayer
We make prayer so convoluted, so murky. It is where we seek wisdom and guidance from God – in our own words. Ask the Lord for help. He never disappoints.
Hope
Couples of the 1920s and ’30s had hope that what they were enduring was for future generations. Never lose hope for your spouse, for your children, or for generations to come.
The Village
There was a time when couples needed other couples to take a trip or watch the kids while they were working. It was in the collective strength of families “walking” through marriage together that many of those old marriages made it. In many ways, we have become so insulated from each other, so skeptical of others that we are islands. We’re afraid to let our kids go to someone’s house because of what they might be about. Sometimes, we’re scared to talk about our challenges and tough decisions because of how others might look at us or use it against us. But somewhere we must build relationships with one or two couples that are likeminded in their approach to marriage and raising kids. When you are led into those relationships, stick together.
It is human nature that as time wears on, the things that once inspired our recognition start to just be commonplace. Martin Luther King’s birthday can become just a day off, with little reverence to the walk and work of the movement. Black History Month can become a month of elevated church services but not much else. But let’s encourage each other this month to remember that black married couples before us had to register the color of their skin as “white” just to be married. Husbands had to endure slave owners, overseers and planters having their way with their wives. Yet some kind of way, black marriages survived, endured and today we thrive.
I leave these reflections with a determination to allow my marriage to be worth the sacrifices the generations before me made in their marriage. I also am determined to allow my “black” marriage to become the history of fidelity, love and commitment for other generations to build on.
How about you BMWK, how can marriages today honor the marriages of the past?
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Editor’s Note – This post was originally published on February 6, 2012, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.