So as I sit here with chipmunk cheeks because my mouth is swollen from having my wisdom teeth pulled, I’m in pain but I’m also in awe! I’m in awe because my wife is 8 months pregnant with swollen feet, yet she still found time to cater to me in my time of pain and discomfort.
She found the energy to bring me ice packs, make me oatmeal and soup, and just lay with me until I fell asleep and she did it all without one complaint. Now I know many of you will look at that and think perhaps I’m selfish because she is pregnant and shouldn’t have to do those things for me. Others will look and ask, “What’s the big deal?” Well see the big deal to me is that I think her effort as a wife represents a level of selflessness that is missing in today’s relationships.
The more I coach individuals and couples it seems the level of competition and tit for tat in relationships is at an all-time high. It’s almost as if we get married under the pretense of sacrifice and selflessness and then get shocked with the reality of stress and selfishness.
Your mate asks for help but instead of being willing, you first look back at your list of things we’ve done lately and then decide if it’s “your turn” to serve. It usually looks like this, “Well I did XYZ the last time so how about you do it this time.”
While relationships are about reciprocation, keeping score can be detrimental to true vulnerability.
The ultimate question becomes what are you willing to give when your mate can’t give ANYTHING back?
I’ve found myself doing this competition thing from time to time, trying to “one up” my wife on things until I realized that we are in this together and promised to serve one another. Here are some areas that we try to one up one another in relationships and we need to stop.
1) Housework
Okay the common goal is for the house to get cleaned or be taken care of so how about both parties do what it takes to reach the common goal.
2) Sex
Goal: both parties feel connected and sexually satisfied. Who cares that you had sex 2 weeks ago? Stop keeping track and satisfy one another when the need arises.
3) Childcare
The children are BOTH of yours and you created them together and should take care of them together. It’s not babysitting; it’s raising your children.
4) Financially
The goal is for the bills to get paid and to build that nest egg. Therefore, why are we spending so much time arguing about who paid for what last or who contributed more this time or that time? Create a plan for success and give towards the common goal.
5) When your mate needs support
Why do we ration out support depending on if our mate did the same for us? If we live under the pretense that we are obligated to support one another then this won’t ever be an argument. Be your mate’s number one cheerleader (or even nurse) if the situation calls for it….which it probably will more often than not.
My point here is that if we want to have happier relationships and marriages we have to change our mindsets about how we approach the relationship.
We have to get rid of the “what’s in it for me mentality?” and embrace the what’s in it for WE mentality. We have to stop competing and trying to one up each other and start trying to support each other. If we don’t then honestly what’s the point??
BMWK FAM! What other things do we compete with in marriage that we must stop?