There’s going to come a point in time where the challenges of your marriage surpass your ability to conquer them. It’s going to happen…if it hasn’t happened already. You’ll know you’re at that point when your solutions to married-life’s challenges come up short…and your slam out of ideas. And your wife’s looking at you wide-eyed and raised eyebrows like, “Wha-chu-gone-do-now?!”
A tsunami of major life events hit us in year three of our marriage. BerNadette (Bernie) and I were aggressively paying off $35K of combined debt…so money was tight. I left my secure government job and went into the risky private sector while simultaneously starting our relationship consulting business, the Family Bootcamp.
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We were also trying to get pregnant. But medical concerns forced us to explore the costly and extremely invasive in-vitro fertilization. Then, when I was coming home from the gym one night, I drive up to my house to find yellow police-tape tied around my mailbox blocking off my street. I go in the house…Bernie is frantic. Someone shot up a car with 21 bullets right outside our living room window.
*Insert wide-eyed raised eyebrow stare here*
That’s when it’s time to hit the emergency evac-button and get out of dodge. I was on-line looking at homes as soon as I calmed my wife down.
Then there was the church. Let’s just say…as a young deacon of a small church, I was responsible for…or involved in…seven different ministries simultaneously. And Bernie was involved in 5 of her own.
*Insert church drama wide-eyed raised eyebrow stare here*
This cacophony of life events had me jive blown. I was trying to figure out the whats, whens, and hows of life…making it up as I went along. And Bernie experienced the collateral damage of my trial and error approach.
It took another 3-yrs for me to eventually figure it out. But I don’t recommend this trial and error approach for you. Because your wife’s happiness and security is subject to your capacity to acquire new knowledge and your ability to execute it to her satisfaction. And trust me, this approach is completely nerve-racking for her…which will turn out to be stressful for you.
Contrary to your comfort-zone, you’re going to have to stretch your capacity to figure out life’s challenges…even while trying to figure out life itself. To do that, you’re going to have to do things you’ve never done before…which can be scary for some. But trust me, you will be a smarter, wiser, and better man, husband, and father…able to confidently deal with challenges however they come.
Here are 6 life-changing ways husbands can figure out married-life’s challenges.
Get a mentor
As a man, you need another man who’s been there and done that…successfully…to bounce things off of. There’re some things that only men understand…and only men can discuss with another man. He doesn’t have to be perfect. But he should be someone who has learned from his mistakes and has successfully overcome them.
Get more education
Yes, you might need to go back to school…not just for professional reasons, but also for relational reasons. This is what I did. I went back to school after 13 years and got a masters degree in organizational leadership…just so I can learn how to be a better leader at home.
Have an accountability couple
Bernie and I had a couple who we trusted that served as our referee and advisory panel. They refereed issues we had that we couldn’t solve ourselves. And we’d consult them when we needed advise about major decisions we were making.
Hang around like-minded couples
It is imperative to spend time with couples who have the same relationship values you have.
Couples who have the same struggles and challenges as you do become the best friends for you to share life with.
Read
It is a myth that black men don’t read. Yet, some black men actually don’t like to read. But if you want to grow, reading is a requirement. Not just relationship books and articles. But material that will help you make better decisions about the variety of challenges you’ll face in your marriage.
Go to relationship conferences
These conferences give you tips and tools from successful couples, relationship experts, and authors. Churches are a good source. There are also some regional and national relationship conferences that are excellent. Go to at least one a year.
These life-changing ways will greatly increase your capacity to conquer whatever life challenges come your way.
BMWK, Which ones do you need to focus on the most?