by Ben and Alisha Walker,
Last week, we gave you 6 Tips to Divorce Proof Your Marriage. They were tips to address the issues we’ve seen in counseling couples for years. And we are back again this week with 6 more tips. All of these tips were taken from our book I Love Being Married: A Guide to Divorceproof Your Marriage which provides married couples, engaged couples and people seeking to be married with the tools to make their marriage work.
Check out our first 6 tips here and then read 6 more tips to divorce proof your marriage below.
7. Meet each other’s expectations.
Each step we’ve laid out requires more and more attention to detail and time to understand your spouse. This step in particular requires you to take the focus off of yourself and put it on your spouse. Ask your spouse what some of their needs in your relationship are and ask if you are meeting their needs. Again you can easily use a scaling question to gauge where they are. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with how I meet your needs? Now the answer to this may not be what you want to hear, but again how can you improve your relationship or address changes if you don’t discuss what needs to be improved.
SIDE NOTE: The answer here could be hard to hear especially if their number is lower than you would have thought, but it allows you to have a starting point and a way to chart your success.
8. Maintain or rebuild trust
Trust is an integral part of all relationships and, if broken, can destroy a marriage. Discuss the issues that have caused any breakdown of trust. Find out where the mistrust is coming from because there are times that mistrust comes from our past or past relationships and our partners suffer for someone else’s sins.
9. Forgive even for the little things.
Forgiveness is huge in a relationship, even of the small everyday things like your spouse saying they would do something and ultimately not following through. Work to forgive the large issues such as infidelity, financial issues and other betrayals. Lack of forgiveness, no matter how big or small the issues, can build up and create feelings of anger, resentment and contempt. Forgiveness is not for your spouse, it is to set you free.
10. Communicate, problem-solve, conflict management
In order to effectively process concerns, issues, and everyday occurrences, couples have to be able to effectively communicate, problem-solve, and manage conflict. Together these three are the model we use to help couples tackle any topic from who’s picking up the kids to how we will finance a new home. Effective communication involves speaking in bite sized pieces, listening and showing empathy and validation. Problem-solving is creating a way to discuss topics so that you can feel like once you’re done with the conversation something will actually be done to change the situation. And, you won’t dread if the issue has to be addressed again. Managing conflict is the pivotal piece in communication because you have to learn how to communicate without anger, or criticism so that you can come to a conclusion. Not being able to manage conflict causes many couples to avoid conflict, which in turn makes the issue continue to build until someone blows up. Conflict management is key to effectively communicating with your spouse.
11. Make sex and intimacy a priority.
Sex and intimacy are so crucial to the bonding of a couple. Sex is the way God created to help couples become one. Couples must create an atmosphere where there is mutual pleasure and reciprocity. Make sex and intimacy with your spouse a priority. Don’t deprive one another….use it to bring you closer.
12. Create a vision for the way you want your marriage to look and infuse spirituality throughout.
Without a vision, the people perish. Your marriage needs a vision, a direction, and a plan of where it is going. Without a vision, you can feel lost and like no one is guiding your ship. A vision based on spiritual principles gives you and your spouse someone other than yourselves to depend on. Praying for your relationship and all aspects of your marriage, and the direction for what steps you will take next and even for the intimacy you desire to share with your spouse will improve your relationship by leaps and bounds.
BMWK – we want you to be able “I Love Being Married”. To go deeper into each tip, check out our book I Love Being Married: A Guide to Divorceproof Your Marriage“
Ben and Alisha Walker the Co-founders of The Marriage Coaches have written “I Love Being Married: A Guide to Divorceproof Your Marriage“ which is a dynamic book that shares common sense tools to develop and maintain a happy, loving and peaceful marriage. They also show you how to avoid the pitfalls that lead to divorce in a straightforward, practical approach, and reveal secrets to singles before they walk down the aisle. You can buy the book here.