IT’S THE MARRYING SEASON! Final plans are being made…and paid for. In just a few months, love-birds across the country are gonna go down the aisle single…and come back up blissfully married.
If that’s you, you probably went through some sort of pre-marital counseling class. But there are some things that happen after you come back up the aisle that no pre-marital counseling class can prepare you for. I call it the “tricky-transition period.”
The Tricky-Transition Period
The tricky-transition period occurs within the first 4 months after you walk back up the aisle. It’s the most important time in your new marriage. Because it establishes the precedent for how the two of you will interact with one another and solve problems for the first two years of your marriage. It’s that critical! If you don’t get this right, you might end up being a happily-married bride to the world…but a miserably-married bride in private with your spouse.
My wife, BerNadette (Bernie), and I had a tricky-transition in our first 3-months. She didn’t feel connected to me as a new bride. And I felt like she always complained about stuff that was easily solvable.
Then came ‘the big fight’ about me not doing anything…and her not appreciating what I was doing. This was the biggest fight we’d had thus far. Cards were put on the table! We muddily argued our way into an understanding of each other’s roles and responsibilities.
But that kerfuffle brought up some unforeseen issues about how to deal with unmet expectations that no pre-marital class could have prepared us for. So that sparked a need for me to put in place some systems for us to better manage our transition.
If you are going to take your trip down the aisle this year, here are 6 super important transitions that you need to grab by the earlobe and set in order if you don’t want to be miserably-married for the first two years.
1. Transition Your Mind
“Youz merr’d now!” And with this new status must come the mindset of a married man/woman. You have to transition your mind from “this is how I do things.” To…“how are we going to do things that’s beneficial for my spouse, relationship, then me?”.
This is the most important transition that needs to take place. For, if it doesn’t, your spouse will feel like you are being selfish, disrespectful, and unconcerned. And they will naturally resort to self-preservation mode in order to protect their emotional, financial, and physical interests.
2. Transition Your Communication
3-months before you got married, you both decided he would do the bills. But 3-months into your marriage, you don’t like the way he does them and you want to take it over. How do you handle this conversation?
Create a communication system to handle discussing sensitive topics in your marriage. The way we did it was one person would ask for a time to meet and discuss a specific topic.
The fact that someone felt the need to schedule a meeting…rather than to come right out and say it…meant that we both need to come prepared to communicate clearly and listen empathetically to the heart of what the other is saying.
3. Transition Your Growth
Always be learning. Always be growing. Just because you went to a pre-marital class, watched a video, or read a book while you were engaged doesn’t mean you’re going to have a happy marriage.
You must continue to work on your marriage by regularly evaluating what each of you can: start doing, stop doing, and continue to do. I recommend doing this weekly during the transition period.
4. Transition Your External Relationships
In most relationships I know, there’s someone who’s a social butterfly and a social caterpillar. One likes to fly around…hither and thither. The other likes to stay close to the cocoon.
Discuss how the two of you will interact with friends, family, church, frats/sorrors, etc… It is unrealistic to think that either of you will persuade your spouse to interact with the public the same way you do. But work toward a mutual level of interaction that works best for the relationship.
5. Transition Your Money
Some people believe that all money should be thrown in one pot. Others feel more comfortable contributing to a collective pot. I have no preference either way…as this will not cause a marriage to break up.
But before you get married, come up with a plan for how the finances will be managed, contributions will be made, bills will be paid, etc… It’s best to automate this financial process so someone doesn’t have to Tony Soprano their spouse every month for their contributions.
6. Transition Your Space
When I got married in 1997, Bernie moved into the house I owned. Unknowingly, I didn’t really make her feel like it was her home too. Everything had to be the way it was when 4117 Torque St. was a bachelor-pad.
I’ve also heard men complain that their wife always has to have things her way…layout-and-design-wise. Make room for your spouse to feel like their personality and design aesthetic is represented in your home. Willingly let their horrible piece of art or furniture have its place in the home simply for the sake of unity.
BMWK — How will you handle the tricky-transitions in your marriage?