I don’t think that anyone is ever prepared for the loss of a loved one. My family experienced many losses this year. In February 2013, my husband lost his dear Mother. In March he lost an aunt and in November he lost a cousin. When he lost his mother, she was elderly and ill, losing her has not only been a horrible blow to us, but especially to our young daughter. That was her very first funeral. She was not adequately prepared to witness this transition and I blame myself.
After seeing her reaction to her grandmother laying in the casket, I then realized that maybe I should have let her know that this was coming. Having attended very few funerals myself, I don’t think that I was prepared either. I’m Lutheran and the way things are handled is similar but still very different. In the Black Baptist Church funerals include:
Viewing or Wake ~ This is where the body is laid out in an open coffin for all to view. Held at the funeral home.
Funeral or HomeGoing ~ The church service where we remember the deceased and the casket is closed and carried from the church.
Repass – After the body is taken to the cemetary, the family meets at the church for fellowship and dinner.
My daughter erupted in tears at the Wake and again at the funeral. I am sure the tears were from sadness, but I think some of them were also because she was scared and unprepared. I failed to tell her what to expect. I did not inform her that she would be seeing her grandmother’s body. I did not tell her what a cemetery was or that we would be leaving her grandmother there. I could not prepare her for seeing her father as he wept for his mother. Of course hindsight is 20/20. If I had it to do again, it would have definitely been different.
Here are few tips that I would recommend to get your child ready to deal with the loss of a loved one.
Explain life and death to your child
I cant tell you how to go about doing this because we all have different belief systems. One thing that is constant no matter what you believe is that we live and we die. Explain this in your terms.
Talk to your child about what to expect at a funeral
Again traditions vary but this can be a very shocking experience to a child that has no idea what happens.
Fond Rememberance of Your Love One
Help your child to think about the good times they had with their loved one. Bring out old pictures. Talk about fun times from the past and pleasant memories. Encourage them to speak on what they remember.
Send a Note to School
Explain to the administrators what has happened so that they will understand your child’s possible behavior changes.
Allow your Child to be a part of the process
I love the way my husband’s family included the children in the services. Naming the grandsons as pall bearers and presenting the grand daughters with roses were just 2 of the ways that I believe helped the kids to cope by participating. The girls also all wore gold ribbons and the boys wore gold ties.
Hugs
Hug your child. Its a simple gesture but when administered frequently can do wonders for understanding.
The funerals are over now, but the sadness still lingers. RIP to my husband’s dear Mother, Aunt and Cousin. Please pray for any family that is going through difficult times such as this. I hope that you never have to experience such a loss. If you do, I hope that you find my tips helpful.
BMWK is your child prepared to deal with the loss of a loved one?