Truth be told, before Valentine’s Day, Clay and Teresa weren’t all lovey-dovey. But as the big day approached, Clay was like, ‘I got to be on good behavior leading up to it so I don’t mess up the big day.’ But in his heart, he wasn’t feeling her like he used to.
After 12 years together, six of them as husband and wife, he simply wasn’t happy with his marriage anymore. But he didn’t know why.
Valentine’s Day arrived. The dinner was nice. The cards were thoughtful. They had some ugly-face-making sex. But now that Valentine’s Day is in his rear view mirror, Clay is longing for something more than sex.
Don’t get me wrong, Clay wants and needs sex. But is sex enough to sustain happiness for men? In an era where the myth is propagated, ‘if you give a man the ‘cookie’, he’ll be alright’….absolutely not.
I love my assortment of three cookies I get when I go to Subway’s, but men like Clay and me need more than the dopamine rush we get from sugar…and sex…to sustain us. The happiness felt within a relationship is derived from the following 8 things.
- True Love – What does true love really mean? On its face, it’s totally subjective. But at its core, true love is the willingness to give of yourself for the benefit of someone else. Like a mother does for her son, she gives everything for his benefit. A husband doesn’t want his wife to treat him like her son. But he does want to feel like she’s willing to give of herself for his benefit.
- Good/Deep Conversation – I knew it was time for me to get married when I wanted to have a good conversation with a woman. But most of the women I knew weren’t talking about nothing. Or, I didn’t care about their opinion…because I didn’t care about them. Sounds cold. I know. But it’s true. Good/deep conversation for men means we respect you and want to hear what you have to say.
- True Friendship – True friendship is different than true love in this way: it’s not about sacrificing for a man; it’s about commonality, understanding one another, accepting one another, and struggling through adversity together. These are the ingredients that make up a friendship. And husbands want to connect to their wives in this way.
- Emotional maturity – Maturity is another subjective term that depends on your age and station in life. A wife’s capacity to handle stress, pressure, fear, and things not going her way should be commensurate with social norms for your age and station. Otherwise, he’s just tolerating you.
- Spiritual Connection – Spiritual accord within a family is sometimes elusive. But when both of you are on the same accord spiritually, your faith and belief systems are aligned. How you actually live out your faith may vary, according to your divine purposes. But at least the core beliefs of who the both of you are will be aligned.
- Trust – Trust is not always about cheating. Much more than that, it’s about trusting your spouse to do what she says she’s going to do, to follow through on her word, and to be sincere and truthful. This door swings both ways. But no sustainable relationship can exist without it.
- Loyalty – There’s a lot of competition for a woman’s loyalty. There are the tangible things like her in-laws, children, work, friends, side-businesses, and volunteer organizations. Then there’s the intangible like your past, your pain, and the power you’ve accumulated. These loyalties can make a man feel like everybody and everything is more important than him. Make sure you prioritize him.
- Fun – The reason you probably got married was because you wanted to enjoy life with the one you love. But somewhere in between then and now, enjoying life was exchanged with tasks, chores, roles, and responsibilities. It’s the classic ‘all work and no play’ scenario. Having fun with your spouse is an important part of being happily married. Without it, you lose touch with why you got married in the first place.
You don’t have to be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets for your husband to be happy. It won’t hurt. But if that’s your default plan for making your husband happy, broaden your scope to include the above eight things to sure you have a more meaningful connection with your husband.
BMWK – Wives, what things, other than sex, truly make your husband happy?