by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Once upon a time, back in the early eighties, I told one of my friends that I was “richer” than her and I could tell by my house and my toys. I was only around four or five at the time, but I remember being promptly reprimanded and told that I was bragging and that I shouldn’t do it anymore.
At some point between then and now, probably around the time the term “hater” became popular, the word bragging went out of style, but I never forgot about that day. While I often feel so happy about my life that I want to shout it from the rooftops, I realize that there is a fine line between sharing your good news and bragging, and I try not to cross it. If you are in a happy marriage or relationship, finding that line can be kind of tricky. I’ve put together five Ws that will let you know if you have crossed over into bragging territory.
Who:Who are you sharing all of your happy thoughts with? For instance, if you are talking constantly about how great your husband is with someone going through a painful divorce, you may be engaging in some braggy behavior.
What: Are you saying that you feel blessed to have a wonderful family or are you saying “I’m so glad my husband bought me this tennis bracelet to add to my collection of twenty”. If it’s the latter, you’re probably bordering on bragging.
When: Even happily married people don’t necessarily need to hear about every single good thing your husband or wife does every day. After a while you begin to sound less like a spouse and more like the mother of a two year old “Hubby took out the trash! Hubby made a piece of toast! Hubby made up the bed when he got out of it!” It’s good to praise your partner, but it doesn’t hurt to sometimes let those interactions take place between the two of you.
Where:I don’t have much to say about this one except for the fact that if it’s on facebook it probably qualifies.
Why: This is the “W” that trumps all others. Are you genuinely excited and just want to share your happiness with the world? Or are you just trying to measure your own success against someone else’s? Are you playing a “my life is better than yours” game? Is your intention to inspire happiness, or is there a part of you that intends to inspire envy? Your intentions are the main determining factor in whether your words are a boast or a testimonial.
Do you think there is a line between bragging and just sharing your happiness?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. She can be reached at [email protected].
I don’t talk a lot about my life for this very reason. Don’t want it to look like I’m bragging but I do think you’ve got to find someone in your life who can handle your good news so you can share! 🙂 Great post!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..to be bold… =-.
Bump ’em is what I say. If you have folks that you can’t tell your good news to then they’re probably not your real friends. Now to a degree I believe there is a line between sharing and bragging but most people nowadays that should be sharing are afraid to for this very reason. Because everyone projects their pain on you a lot of folks are afraid to talk about what’s going right for them. What I’ve learned is that when you’ve been blessed the excitement and feeling that comes with it is one that you want to share with someone and tell them about the goodness that you’ve received and you should be able to do that without everyone rolling their eyes behind your back. This fear of looking like you’re bragging is what I mentioned last week and the main reason why everyone thinks there are no happy marriages until we put up a site like this and happy married folks are busting through the seams. The unhappily married tell everyone about how marriage sucks and shout it from every rooftop but folks that do love their husband or do love their wife aren’t allowed to talk about it, no one wants to hear it and if you do open your mouth your bragging. Like Tara said find someone that is genuinely excited about your good news and forget everyone else. A real friend will be excited about your good fortune regardless of if they experience the same or not.
There IS a thin line between SHARING & BRAGGING. Unfortunately, there are those that tend to cross it…with the intent of hurting another’s feelings.
.-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Bottoms Up: ROSANGEL Tequila =-.
Also…Since not everyone will share in your happiness, sometimes its best not to share EVERY minor detail — especially if that person is known to be a “Debbie/Dougie Downer”.
.-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Bottoms Up: ROSANGEL Tequila =-.
Interesting and timely post. I was blessed to be invited to a brunch with a group of outstanding, beautiful, professional women between the ages of 25 and 55 this past Sunday and we were asked to say “what we would do differently in 2010.” I said that I would like to grow my personal and home relationships after taking care of my family- financially and sometimes emotionally- for a full year while my husband was out of work. Thankfully, my husband started a new job in late December so things should get back to normal so I was trying to state that I was blessed to be able to take over for the year to support my husband. Well, I got the cold shoulder and blank stares. As I looked around the room as others were speaking, I realized that I was the only married woman in the room and nearly the only one with a child. Although that indicated a deeper issue on the status of African American professional women, it also made me inwardly feel like I was bragging and I regretted mentioning my family and wished I had just said I wanted to build better relationships in 2010. Reading this made me realize that I was not wrong. I am happy that I had a family to go home to after the brunch and that my husband and daughter welcomed me with hugs and smiles. Thanks Ronnie, Lamar, Tara, and Aja for helping me not be ashamed of what I have. I’m updating what I will do differently in 2010 to say I will build relationships with those that will be happy that I am in a committed, supportive relationship with a wonderful child . So there…
@ Ms. P- I say if they are a debbie downer keep it moving and let them find out on the back end.
@Tzee- that’s exactly what I’m talking about. There was nothing wrong with you saying that but people will have you second guessing yourself. Tell Ronnie and me we’ll listen LOL. BTW I think those are excellent goals after coming through that last year and congratulations to your husband on the new position.
.-= Lamar´s last blog ..Are You a Bragger? =-.
Truthfully, I never thought about it. I typically don’t bother with folks that misconstrue my testimony for a bragging session.
I also think the “WHY” is the most important question to ask when sharing a blessing. When we begin to realize that no one has cornered the market on blessings, and there is enough to go around for everyone, we will be more apt to CELEBRATE the good news others share with us instead of accusing them of bragging because inwardly we are envious.
Another point I’d like to add is this: if you want what I’ve got, you’ve got to do what I did to get it. Many times we get excited about sharing our good news because we’ve gone through PROCESS and come to the other side both successfully and victoriously. All most people see is the blessing, but they don’t see all the hard work, planning, stress, etc. that you went through to get to that point.
Bottom line for both the sender and receiver of good news is this: check your motives. In the meantime, I’ll celebrate and drink (sweet tea, of course) to all successes and victories I hear about. My time is not too far behind yours! :o)
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Hairston Manifesto =-.
@Lamar: That’s always been my stance. I make it a point NOT to keep those types of people around me. I know plenty, but don’t deal with them enough one-on-one for it to be a problem. I think its sad, really- -but whatever. I’m not gonna mask my happiness, for the sake of someone else.
Celebrating is one thing. Being an ass about it is another. A real friend would be happy for you & aspire to follow in those footsteps. Friends that don’t, aren’t your friends at all & are only good for being emotional drainers.
.-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Bottoms Up: ROSANGEL Tequila =-.
@Harriet
Another point Id like to add is this: if you want what Ive got, youve got to do what I did to get it. Many times we get excited about sharing our good news because weve gone through PROCESS and come to the other side both successfully and victoriously. All most people see is the blessing, but they dont see all the hard work, planning, stress, etc. that you went through to get to that point.
I COULDN’T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF!!! After you’ve gobe thru the trials, the hurt, and you’re still able to come out happy, closer, and with a TRUE understanding of what love really is…………………………………How dare we not be happy about that blessing!?!?!?!
People see things, they see the outcome, not the heartfelt relationship, the times of deep communication that got you to where you are.
I say, if this is what you want, you have no clue what it took, so just be ready!!
I love BMWK!!!
Sorry Typo: After youve goNe thru
Excellent article. I’ve been caught up in being ‘overly excited’ and posting that information on FB. I already decided to stop the posts AND to make sure that I limit the pictures I post as well. Another good question: If you’re single, and see someone’s post(s) about thier relationship truly bother you, is it that they’re bragging or that you’re unhappy with your place in life and/or relationship status???
I’ve been through a ton of bad relationships and am now in a decent one. It’s not perfect but it’s a whole lot better than anything I’d ever been in. I found, however, that those who were happy to console me while I was miserable, aren’t happy to see me happy in my relationship; they don’t want to hear it. I don’t ‘brag,’ but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and finally can say it.
.-= Jahlea´s last blog ..A Season of Self =-.
Thanks for the post Aja. For so many years, I’ve felt funny about letting people know of the good in my life. I’ve been so non-chalant about my accomplishments and its b/c I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging. I needed to see this post!!!
I have nothing extra to add.. I think Lamar and Harriet said it beautifully!
What is the difference between blogging and ranting?
“Another point Id like to add is this: if you want what Ive got, youve got to do what I did to get it. Many times we get excited about sharing our good news because weve gone through PROCESS and come to the other side both successfully and victoriously. All most people see is the blessing, but they dont see all the hard work, planning, stress, etc. that you went through to get to that point.”
@Harriet – SERIOUS co-sign on that one. A lot of my friends are still trying to find themselves (we’re all around 25, except for me, I’m the baby of the group at 24), so it’s hard for me to talk about buying my new car, or celebrating three glorious years being married to my best friend. They’re stuck in jobs they hate or dealing with baby daddies who left them high and dry. So I don’t ever want to make it seem like I am rubbing it in their faces, but at the same time, I am proud of all I’ve accomplished and I shouldn’t feel bad about it.
Like a few weeks ago, when the one commenter told me I was bragging (I think it was the What I’m Grateful for in 2009 post) because I said I was grateful for buying a house, etc. For a second, I felt bad, like maybe she was right. But I bought a house because I worked long hours and saved money and did my research. I married a guy who is smart and ambitious and works long hours and saves his money. That’s how it happened. I can’t apologize for my effort. No, thanks!
.-= Tara @ The Young Mommy Life´s last blog ..to be bold… =-.
@ Tara: I cant apologize for my effort. No, thanks!
And you shouldn’t have to!! You put in the work, and you’re reaping the rewards!
That’s a blessing, nothing to apologize for.
Congrats by the way!
Now-a-days, it’s hard to expound on your achievements without making someone feel bad because there are so many people who look at themselves as failures. That cannot be helped in a money driven society and I see no end to it.
@ Tara,
I remember that foolishness. I couldn’t believe how angry that woman was. LOL
No, you should ALWAYS celebrate your achievements, especially the ones you worked hard for! In fact, you’re 8 years younger than me, but I take notes on your meticulous money management skills when you write about them, because the concept and practices are immutable. If you work them, they will work for you. It just takes discipline and commitment.
Now, if a person’s “WHY” is to brag, I don’t have anything to do with that. I’ve found that when I celebrate others’ successes, REGARDLESS of whether or not they’re trying to brag, it opens me up to more positivity. And it drives braggarts UP THE WALL because my response is the total opposite of what they would expect. Some people like it when they feel like they’re better than others. When you celebrate their achievements and they know it doesn’t bother you, they think twice before they come to you with stupidity.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Hairston Manifesto =-.
@Tezee, good points. I have the same experience. No matter how beautiful, financially set or outwardly pulled together. I get the same responses from women. Silence. Funny looks. Glances at my ring finger.
A family member just recently married, she’s been bragging since the wedding posting daily ‘why I love my husband’ status…Its offensive to me and I”m married! I can understand how a women who is not married (but wants to be, those that don’t can ignore this) would see it as bragging.
Another acquaintance married and posted picture after picture of her car, her shopping sprees at Coach..These types of women make it hard for women like me who don’t brag but do want to mention their lives or are excited about nice gifts on Valentines day and want to share it with friends.
I’ve said before that I prefer my friends to be married women, but not only that…happily married. If they are not happy its the same. So I have two different conversations depending on who I’m talking to. The black community has got to lighten up on, we fight when there really is no reason, I read other blogs and the complaint is always the same theme, black folks are generally negative. I have drastically slimmed down my ‘friends’ because of this.
I just read a quote from Susan Taylor: hurt people hurt people.
I agree Harriet. I think that if your intent is not to celebrate but to brag, it is usually pretty obvious. Most of the time when people are bragging they want you to react negatively. I always congratulate either way.
I also think that it’s important to remember that we all have things to be very thankful for and we also all have areas in our lives where we may not have it 100 percent together. Many of the wonderful things I have in my life are because I worked hard for them and others are just because God decided to bless me in that way. I can’t compare my journey to anyone else’s. I just think that instead of either feeling like I am above someone because I may have certain things, or hating on someone because I don’t, I have to celebrate what I have without focusing on anyone else.
Just to add that I see people (including myself) are choosing to adjust the information they share – limiting Fb posts, status and pics.
But why should we have to do that? I’ve asked myself this?
I’d rather give up some old friends or even family members so that I can live in peace. What do you all think?
I have become slightly more conservative with what I share on facebook since I first started on the site. It has more to do with feeling uncomfortable sharing all of my life in a public place than anything else. There are moments where I just don’t want everyone in on my every move, even friends. It has more to do with privacy than anything else for me since I don’t believe that anything online is ever really private.
@Aja, Okay…yes I am conservative with what I share moreso than when I started.. I have family members that I am happy to connect with and we share, my ‘friends’ list is very small. There are many people I didn’t add because I figured it’d be too hard to deal with…I guess I’m thinking about those few occasions when I’d like to share – my anniversary, a concert, xmas pictures…I am hesitant to share but I shouldn’t be.
I don’t feel good about having to tone down what I do to make someone else feel okay.
Everyone here has been making great points.
This is where having REAL friends is a blessing because these are the people that we can share with completely without feeling like we’re bragging.
I don’t think you should feel bad about sharing your good fortunes. In fact, it may even help someone else. When someone shares their good news with me I smile and I am truly happy for them – but I’m also happy for myself for their testimony proves to me that God is in the blessing business and my blessing may be just around the corner.
I agree with Alonzo, everyone is making great points! I too do not share everything on FB because everyone don’t need to know what I’m doing at all times. I heard someone say (may have been Katt Williams I think) the same thing that was posted some comments above, a hater wants what you have but doesn’t know what you went through to get it. They just want the outcome without the struggle. I posted a few months ago about a friend who admitted to me that she has been jealous about some past relationships I have had. She felt I had good relationships with men only because she’s seen me when I was happy. Or it could be because I tend to mask what’s going on at home with a smile. She didn’t know what was going on behind closed doors and needless to say those relationships she was jealous of I am no longer in.
And Tara I remember that episode too and thought to myself that was total BS to say you posted that to brag. They don’t know what you went through to get what you are thankful for. So I’m with Lamar, screw them, live your life and be happy and thankful! When prayers go up, blessings come down!
Facebbook reminds me of an instructor I had while attending my company’s school Every morning he started out by asking each one in the class what they did the night before. I would always say, “I pass.” It was not because I had anything to hide but because I didn’t think it was any of his business what I did the night before.
I think that many people are out to sort of “rub people’s noses in it” when they are often sharing every little great thing they have either accomplised or what their husband or wife did. People pretty much know that these days, many are just trying to survive themselves and they need support, not more feelings of hopelessness. The last thing our struggling economy probably wants to hear right now is how wonderful someone is doing, while they sit there barely scrapping by. People need to pick up on the vibe they are getting from the person they are talking to before they force this type of talk to them.
I know there is much to be learned from others, and try to take that into consideration but if you aren’t there to help then stop blabbing about how great YOU have it….
.-= Tinzley´s last blog ..The Foot Fetish, Is It Just A " Male" Thing? =-.
Actually Tinzley I agree with you as well as many others that have commented above. I definitely think that if someone is having a rough time, I am going to take their situation into consideration before I start blabbing about my situation. With that being said, I also want to be an example for that person. I work hard on my marriage and for the things that we have, and from time to time I might want to speak about it. Perhaps that will provide some sort of inspiration for that person.
I had dinner with a group of women the other day and I did not know any of them. Most of them were single, and I sat quietly listening to them talk about their relationships. So one of the ladies turned to me and said you are being quiet, what’s your story. So I proceeded to tell them how long I had been married, how many kids we had…and that I was happy and that my husband was a good man that treated me well. I freely said this to a group of strangers…but I don’t know if I would ever feel comfortable saying that to a lot of people that are close to me….it’s like I know they don’t want to hear it.
After a few drinks I moight be, but not when I am sane.
Hiip hop has put bragging on the map.
.-= designsdelight´s last blog ..Angled Houses Series: Lappin House =-.