Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I have been married for 6 years to a man I feel like I just don’t love and not sure if I ever did. I was going through a phase where I wanted to get my life right with God and met my husband in church. He said all the right things and I married him after 7 months of knowing him. We have such a personality difference and I just don’t look at him as the man I love. However, we do have a 3 year old son to raise and I am torn between staying in a loveless marriage. We do not connect mentally, physically or sexually. We have tried and I just don’t feel a connection with him. We are currently in counseling but I feel like we are prolonging the inevitable (divorce). As soon as we try to communicate it goes to arguments quickly and then we are both frustrated. He says he loves me but I just have no emotions towards him. I feel stuck. Can I Thrive in a Loveless Marriage?
Dear Nicole,
Sorry to hear about your marital discord. Unfortunately, I do not have enough information to truly understand the severity of your situation. However, I have worked with many couples who have different personalities and struggle to connect mentally, physically and sexually. Some struggle in the beginning of their marriage and other struggle as they move forward. From my professional experience, I have learned that many are unhappy because they believe that love is the key to a sustaining a long term relationship. This distorted belief about love is the leading cause of divorce. The truth is this: the exhilarating feeling of being in love typically lasts eighteen months to two years, a time period in which most relationship experts refer to as the “honeymoon stage”. During this timeframe, individuals go out of their way to please each other. They take action and strive to be optimistic. Love drives this behavior, but does not sustain it.
Relationships do not endure because of love, but because of the work that is invested to develop and nurture love. The ability to give and receive love requires action. Thriving in a loveless marriage is not easy, but can be accomplished if you are willing to take action. Please consider the four strategies listed below:
1. Explore What Love Means to You. What is love? Understanding love is the key to receiving and giving love. Love is an emotion that is influenced by action. Love is not hate; Love is not resentment; Love is not conditional; Love is not pride; Love is not limited; Love is not to be taken for granted; Love is God. God created people to be unique and provide instruction how to embrace and work through those differences. Loving like God can help provide clarity. Spiritual intimacy will always outlast emotional, physical or sexual intimacy. Also, educating yourself about various love styles can prove to be helpful. In book, Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, I provide an overview of love and unconditional love and identify different love styles.
2. Explore Why You Married your Husband. This is critical because he presented some qualities that were good enough to convince you to say, “I Do”. Conduct an accurate and honest assessment of your marriage. Develop a list of strengths daily and take an inventory. Use the inventory to help you identify blessings, accomplishments, and goals that you have achieved in your marriage. Try developing compassion for your husband. A compassionate person does not judge others; instead, he or she helps when warranted. To have a relationship with Jesus and live a Christ-like lifestyle, you must have compassion for others. Compassion fulfills the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2).
3. Eliminate Self-defeating and Negative Thinking. You stated that you are currently in counseling, but do not feel hopeful. This negative thinking does not lead to positive resolution. You get out of therapy and your relationship what you put into it. You have the power to change what you do not like. The self-fulfilling prophecy is real. You must be mindful of the perceptions you develop about your husband and marriage. There is a difference between being realistic and being negative. Reality means that we face our challenges head on and accept them for what they are. Negativity, on the other hand means that we look for and focus on the bad in situations. You can be realistic without being negative. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Love is a matter of the heart, but how we decide to love is a matter of the mind.
Please consider applying the four strategies outlined above and remember that the easiest way to find and sustain love in your marriage is to let God guide you. If your steps are ordered by Him, you will be blessed with a wealth of love. Considering that you met your husband in church, I assume that he possesses some of the Godly qualities that you desire in a man. If he is willing to work on his shortcomings and strives to love, give your marriage a chance. Falling is love happens when sexual and emotional chemistry is present, but sustaining love it happens when God is present. Remaining in a marriage without feeling love can be difficult and heart-breaking, but you can turn it around and thrive. Love is fluid, but commitment is not.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.