Dr. Buckingham,
My name is Christina. I have been married for 5 months however; my husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. We have a 2 year old daughter and we have lived together for almost 4 years. We have had many ups and downs over the years.
A recent down happened on Valentine’s Day. My husband was off from work that day but he did not tell me. Instead, he decided to go out of town to visit a close relative of his. I found out he was not at work that day because I had called his job and they told me his department did not work that day. So I checked his bank account and saw recent purchases in the city he was visiting which was nowhere near his job site. So I proceeded to call him and ask what time he got off work (not making him aware that I knew he wasn’t there.) He responded saying he had just got off and was in a store looking for something to buy me on Valentine’s Day.
All I could think about is that he was cheating on me. When he got home that night, he was empty handed and still unaware of what I knew. So I told him that I had called his job and they said he didn’t have to work. He tried to cover that saying he had to work in another department. Then I said a friend of mine spotted him in one of the stores I saw where he had made a purchase so I asked him to tell the truth. He paused then admitted that he was in this particular city and not at work. I asked why he had to lie about it. He responded saying that I would have nagged him for me to go along had I known he had the day off and was going out of town. He wanted the day to himself until I got off work.
I asked who was he with all day and he said a close relative who was helping him pick something for me for Valentine’s Day. However, he came home empty handed saying stuff was expensive and we were going out the following night. I pointed out to him that he made both us look like a fool. For him to lie about going to work only to go out of town and spend Valentine’s Day with his relative and not his wife was disappointing and hurtful. I don’t know if I can trust him fully. Although he did state it was the only time he had lied like that and I just so happen to catch him. Not sure how to take the relationship seriously. I want my marriage to work but I don’t want to be anyone’s fool. Should I continue to trust him or should I think the worst?
Dear Christian,
In reading your dilemma, I believe that your husband’s behavior is an indicator of other potential problems that might exist in your marriage. You mentioned that his reason for lying to you was because he did not want you to nag him about coming along. Based on this statement, I am wondering if he feels smothered at times. Also, I am wondering if he does not feel comfortable discussing certain topics with you. I mention these two things not to blame you for his inappropriate behavior, but to identify topics for discussion.
I agree that your husband’s behavior was hurtful, but you must make a decision to forgive him if you desire to create harmony in your marriage. Forgiveness is a prerequisite to restoring trust. Without forgiveness you will not be able to trust him again. I know that it feels unfair to forgive, but forgiveness will enable you to heal from the emotional pain. As long as you harbor disappointment and pain, you will walk around with a grudge.
I recommend that you have a discussion with your husband about being trustworthy and express your fear of being made to look like a fool. If you struggle with trusting your husband, you will have a hard time sustaining a healthy relationship. In all of my years doing therapy, I have never seen a healthy relationship work or last without trust. Trust sets the stage for love to proper. Understand that trust must be present and mutually expressed in order to have a healthy relationship.
If you desire to remain married and have a harmonious relationship, I do not recommend that you start to think the worst. Be careful of what you think and look for because you might just find it. Looking for negativity is not healthy for you or your marriage. Trust is a core relationship value that must be present if you want your marriage to last forever. Without trust, there is no respect and without respect there is no communication. Please seek professional counseling if you cannot restore trust with your husband.
Good luck, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post