Dr. Buckingham,
My Name is Ashley, and I am married with 2 children: 1 girl and 1 boy whom has Autism. My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. We are not as connected as we used to be. There are a lot of things that I could name that he is not doing for my sake or his kids’ sake; mind you they are 3, and 5 years old. I am drained in the relationship and am not getting what I need from it. When is it time to ever leave a relationship?
Dear Ashley,
I am sorry to hear about your unhappiness in your marriage. However, in providing marital therapy over the past fifteen years, I have never advised anyone to walk away from their marriage. I am pro marriage, but I am also pro health. What does this mean?
I believe that every relationship is worth fighting for and can be salvaged if two people are willing to work and develop healthy coping skills. In my coaching and therapy sessions, I simply help people understand what is healthy and unhealthy. A healthy relationship is comprised of two individuals who care and love enough to listen, assist and express compassionate toward each other on a regular basis and especially during times of distress.
If you are not getting your needs met in your marriage, I recommend that you take a look at yourself first. This is important because you need to examine how you express your need for affection and help. It is not uncommon for individuals to become verbally abusive and short-tempered when they are unhappy, overwhelmed and burnt-out. After looking at yourself, I recommend that you ask your spouse to attend professional counseling if you can afford it. By attending counseling you can gain insight into how to improve your marriage. Walking away from a relationship should only happen, in my personal opinion, when an individual refuses to help him or herself. You cannot force anyone to be happy or healthy.
It appears that you have invested a great deal of love, time and energy into your children and husband, but now it is time to take care of yourself. Never make long-term and potentially devastating life or relationship decisions when in distress. Deciding to leave or to stay in your relationship will become clearer as you become healthier.
Good luck, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post