In my graduate courses this semester, I’m learning how to help families fix their problems while focusing on their strengths. Sounds challenging, and it is, but I’m so grateful this knowledge is spilling over into my marriage.
I can admit freely that some resentment had built up between my husband and I because I felt he wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Can’t he see these dishes in the sink? Is he really going to watch football all Sunday while the laundry pile threatens to swallow the children? I guess I have to not only make dinner, but I have to clean up the kitchen too? Ugh…
The problem wasn’t him. It was me. Whenever I went to express myself to him, I was using the wrong language. I would say, “I’m really tired from doing everything by myself.” All he heard was, “You never help me.” Neither of which was true. I wasn’t really doing everything by myself and he did help me quite a bit. We simply had a disconnect on how to get on the other person’s level.
So using the skills I acquired in classes, I figured out how to turn my usual negative-sounding requests into nicely wrapped requests that give us both a chance to put our guard down and focus on the issue at hand. The phrase most likely to turn off my husband? Anything starting with “You never…”
Instead of saying, “You never XYZ…” focus on the XYZ of your statement and ask yourself, “Is it true that he or she never does this? Has never done this?” Even if it’s true, there are few phrases with the potential to spark a discussion like those that begin with “You never…” After all, when you’re trying to discuss a problem, the goal is to avoid getting your partner on the defensive, and instead for them to focus their energy on getting to the solution.
Step one is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Well, if “you never…” isn’t true, then what’s the real deal? More likely, it’s “You used to do XYZ and it made me feel good.”
Step two is to ask yourself: what’s changed in your life between then and now? Have you had more kids? Jobs gotten more demanding? Ailing parent increased your responsibilities? As I learned in class, using a strengths-based approach means looking at all the factors that affect your relationship. Outside influences count too! Sweeten the message by acknowledging those other factors.
Step three is to appreciate the effort your spouse does bring into the marriage. Too often when we get into the “You never…” or “Why can’t you…” phrases, we are blinded by the issue and we can’t focus on all the other contributions that person brings to the marriage. When I’m fussing at my husband about his inability to load the dishwasher, I’m not thinking about the fact he takes the trash out every week. Train yourself to think positive first and foremost.
So how does this look in action?
Old way: “You never listen to me when I’m trying to tell you about my day.”
New way: “Can we set aside 20 minutes after the kids go to bed to talk about what’s going on, what happened during our day? It seems like it’s too difficult to do once we first get home since the kids need so much attention and I know you like to unwind a bit after a long day at work.”
How can you train yourself to go for the positives and focus on solutions whenever an issue arises in your marriage?