by Dr. Shane Perrault,
Currently only 32% of our Black children are born into two parent families in America. In slavery and up through the 1960’s those numbers were in the low 80%s.
These numbers are scary, and suggest black men and women are in the midst of a Civil War.
And it’s gotta end.
First to my sisters, you undoubtedly have had some very hurtful experiences with black men. I feel your pain.
We have hurt you; and, unfortunately, you have hurt us, too.
As a black psychologist, I question how we can help turn our collective pain, as black men and black women, into something that works for the greater good of the community.
As a black man, I don’t believe black men hating black women, or vice-versa, is going to help end this Civil War, much less help us to thrive. With only 32% of our children being born into two family households, I don’t believe we have the luxury of sitting around trying to figure out who is to blame “” truth be told, we both are to blame.
To turn those numbers around, we have to start to talk with each other, learn from each others’ pain, and start to figure out how to move from our current lose/lose situation and start to create a win/win.
Black men, I think it’s our charge to start the process of forgiving and leading positive change. We really don’t have a choice”...don’t you agree that the 68% of children being born in one parent homes certainly deserve more attention?
My brothers, we are the best marketers in the world. Vitamin water, shoes, golf balls, music, even pants that fall off your butt “” we can sell elevator shoes to giants, and make it in-vogue to wear them.
Why not promote our Sistas (and marriage to them)? If not us, then who? Personally, rather than continuing to contribute to this lose/lose situation, I’m willing to swallow any pain I may have felt a black woman cause me for the greater good and say let’s do better by each other in the future.
We have a choice: either our pain, or winning.
I hope we decide to make winning more important than our Pain. I know that’s a hard thing to do, but the alternative is setting the next generation up to further this lose/lose trend.
So here we go: I forgive you my Sistas for your transgressions, and pray you can forgive us for ours. We share the same history; and, undoubtedly, the same future.
Let’s partner and make that future a brighter one for the next generation.
Dr. Shane Perrault,
Founder AfricanAmericanMarriageCounseling.com
I want to add my vote for strong Black marriages. This is a challenge that can only be solved one relationship at a time.
Apparently the pain of losing generations of our children to crime, under-education, under-employment, over-representation in prison systems, absent values, lack of self-respect or respect of anyone, and increasing gaps in achievement is not enough yet to spur a change in derection for the current generation. We are committing suicide as an ethnic group.
Strong family values got us through slavery, Jim Crow, 2 world wars, and the depression. The “freedom” of the 60s scattered our focus on chasing dreams and illusions, while losing focus on our strentgh — the unity of the family.
We have been married for 43 years; our children have been married for 10 years or more. These values can be passed along in a family. It is not too late. But soon it will be. Thirty-two percent born to single parents frightens me. There aren’t enough of us scared enough to unify as husbands and wives — for our survival.
Thuso,
You make a strong point. My parents were married 28 years before my father died. My husband and I have been married 5 years so far. Yet I can see the pain in my husband after having grown up in a single parent household. We have to work together to resolve these types of issues.
The only thing I disagree with is FEAR being the motivating factor behind trying to fix these issues one family at a time. It has a tendency to paralyze rather than propel.
I think it’s going to take a lot of humility…a willingness to return back to God and live according to His principles…above all, LOVE for God, for ourselves and for one another.
This was a well presented, thought provoking article. Thanks, Dr. Perrault!
Thank you for this piece. I completely agree that these days, Black men and women are acting as though we are in a civil war. I think that almost everything we see and hear in the media only helps to advance this lack of respect for one another. I was having a debate the other day where a male friend suggested that more than 85% of Black women were stupid and most of his friends agreed. If this is the attitude that men today have toward women, its no wonder that these statistics are this bad. I don’t know what the answer is, but trying to change the public perception of black marriage with positive examples I believe is a start.
WOW, very powerful article. My husband & I are determined to stay together forever. We are raising his two boys from a previous relationship and our two kids. I love my husband and our kids so much, I can’t imagine life without him or our kids as one big happy family!!!
I like the dialog so far. Interestingly, questions are often asked about “what is wrong with US?” In a matter as personal as marriage and the relationship between a man and a woman, the answer comes down to “personal actions — one at a time.” The big questions are:
1. What are the group influencers and motivators that have the greatest impact on individual behaviors?
2. Are there “group norms” that can be identified to direct individual behaviors toward an end to the civil war?
So far, those of us who have responded all point to “examples” of strong and long-lasting mariages as models to emulate. These are positive motivators. There are also negative motivators.
Parents who love their children and are looking ways to influence others, also “fear” the dangers to their children who are exposed to physical violence and death — as in the recent murders of a high school student in Chicago, and a college student at UConn. Perhaps more parents will collaborate out of fear to protect their children. It is being proven that single parent households result in greater exposure to the dangers of gangs, crime, and DEATH.
More communities with two-parent families who share concern for the safety of their children may serve as the catalyst to call a TRUCE in what appears to be a civil war between the sexes. I believe this is a surface perception. All civil wars result in more damage and death to the warring community. Much more damage than outside forces can affect when the civil warrring combatants collaborate to repel the attack.
A truce needs to be called long enough to examine the alternatives — peace, safety, hope, and fulfillment of dreams. Our children cannot protect themselves from each other. Some adult supervision is necessary — within the context of a two parent family. This is not something WE can do, but something I can do in my personal relationship with my wife. When enough of us form an influential critical mass, then WE may be able to influence others.
Sadly, the Black community is at a dangerous critical stage where the greater influence is on the negative side of outcomes.
“These numbers are scary, and suggest black men and women are in the midst of a Civil War.”
I find the premise of this article very odd. The number of 2 parent homes does not determine the state of emergency in the relationship between black men and women. There are a number of young women who do not know who fathered their child. There are a number of young men producing children they don’t intend on raising. I think the statistic is too convenient and does not really correlate with the supposed Civil War.
The decline of matrimony in America has been on decline for several reasons.
If there is a Civi War between men and women, when did it begin?
I tend not to pay attention to statistics because in general I find them to be more of a distraction than of help, however we all know that black people are simply failing at marriages and long-term relationships. The numbers no longer matter anymore. They are simply numbers. What matters is that a large amount of black people, men, women, and children, are lacking intimacy, community, and healthy relationships, all elements that contribute to a life of joy and peace.
But what I’m ready to now talk about, blog about, discuss is an action plan on how to heal this pain in our community. We have too many discussions on the problems and not enough on an action plan.
It’s been said if America catches a cold, Black America ends up in the ICU. I think this is true for the divorce rate. America has been experiencing an increase in divorce rates for a while now.
As far as what got us here, I think we lost sight of God and family.
To the whole Civil War betwween Black Men and Women, I think we are all so immeresed by the stats and by the stereotypes. I think we forgot to treat people like individuals. We treat the new guy like the last guy, and course all black women are angry,,, It’s like we believed all the hype and then live it.
Male privilege and sexism is the problem we men folk have…
and keeping a patriarchal religion out of the equation will help as well.
we need to stop giving rewards to mediocrity and defending depravity and degenerate habits.
“Its like we believed all the hype and then live it.”
– butterflyprincess
I couldn’t say it better myself. Many popular culture cliches and memes are accepted as social norms.
Thank you for this article and I agree with it as well. I also like what butterflyprincess said about treating each other as individuals.
Why are you only making this seem like the “Brothers” fault? What about our irresponsible Sisters choosing those types of Brothers who don’t have respect or love for them? Sisters should take the majority of the blame, for reproducing irresponsibly with immature/superficial Brothers (when there are more mature/genuine options available), and then somehow want to place the blame on the Brother when he leaves the for BEING HIMSELF! It’s like, these Sisters KNOW FROM JUMP STREET that the Brother won’t commit, but still delude themselves into thinking that pregnancy (unprotected sex) will basically FORCE him to change his ways and be a responsible man.
Stop giving it up so easy (to undeserving Brothers). The Brothers who love you won’t pressure you into doing something against your will (they’re usually more patient/calm), while the Brothers who are only looking out FOR THEMSELVES will want it immediately on the spot (and it’s up to you to choose not to give it to them, because they won’t respect you if you do because they “try” that same tactic with EVERY OTHER SISTER). You are usually just another pawn in their game, so please don’t fall for it.
If Sisters would save themselves for marriage, I guarantee the right Brothers will see this and respect you for it (shows self-restraint/control, which is good for a long-term relationship/marriage), while the more short-term/casual/”friends with benefits” Brothers (with Sisters on the side) will criticize/demean/disrespect you. So it is “imperative” that you value yourself highly, because they love to use peer-pressure/manipulation/deceit on those with low self-esteem/self-worth to get what they want.
Conclusion: YOU CAN’T CHANGE A IMMATURE BOY INTO A LOVING FATHER, HE HAS TO SHOW THOSE TRAITS BEFOREHAND (and you can either act/hop on it or just overlook it, your choice).
Just my two cents..
I am amazed that there is so much buy-in to the “combatants” mentality when discussing relationships between Black men and Black women. I suppose that the “battle of the sexes” is not unique to our condition or ehnic group. However, our solutions must be unique due to our unique circumstances.
I found this observation to be quite illustrative: I find the premise of this article very odd. The number of 2 parent homes does not determine the state of emergency in the relationship between black men and women.
The writer talks about “2 parent homes” in relation to the “state of emergency. Later, the writer (VEe!) states, “The decline of matrimony in America has been on decline for several reasons.”
Perhaps we can assume that “2 parent homes” and “matrimony” are interchangeable, but the use of the current day term “2 parent home” is an indicator that 2 individuals who are parents are in the same place. The inference of “matrimony” suggests, at least to me, a “union” of a man and woman committed to providing a home for their children.
We no longer think about unions, but terms of interaction for combatants — with battles over child-support, “dead-beat dad” designations, visitation rights, etc.
These formal battle lines are re-enforced in the background by the stereotypical battles between brothers and sisters that inevitably follow the posturing and war dancing that goes on before consensual sex. After that first encounter, the battle is on!
Sadly, there is no winner. Worse, there are few truces called to work out peace terms. Only casualties (collateral damage) — spelled CHILDREN.
I forgive you black men for what you’ve done…. but not for what you will do.
No man should accept unacceptable women. if these women are in pain they are not going to be good candidates for marriage or motherhood. He would better serve them by telling the to get therapy and work through their issues and become balanced whole human beings who are deserving of marriage. But as one can expect from a liberal mangina head shrink, he puts all the blame and burden on men, men who don’t even know these women and never did anything personally to her.
I can’t make a woman act like a proper woman, she has to be willing to and I can’t debase myself by committing to someone who is less than they should be. And i don’t owe some strange woman anything. It’s not my job to fix her or save her from herself. It’s my job to follow my role as a man. To protect, provide and love. She has to be ready to accept that and all that comes with it, it comes with sacrifices on all sides. If she’s not, too bad, men don’t need a fixer upper. Don’t fall for foolishness just cause it sounds good. Everything that glitters.
There is a civil war, but it’s the one chris rock talked about. Black men and niggas. Or as white guys would say, nice guys and badboys. Women want to lay with niggas and then want black men to come marry them. Not gonna happen. Women want to be niggas baby’s mamas but want to be Black men’s wives. Not gonna happen. We smell the taint of niggerism on ya and we don’t want any of it. Niggas scarred you up, but you want black men to try to fix you up. You are responsible for your own actions. Take responsibility for that instead of always calling black men irresponsible. You know he wasn’t shit when you laid down with him and now you want to dog all black men? Please, we aren’t falling for that anymore. We look you squarely in the eye and reject that. Stop sleeping with worthless niggas and you might find a black man. Get some therapy. Get some help. Find balance, peace, and happiness, then you’ll find a decent man. Good luck.
@Bossman
???? Really…no really…lighten up. You obviously have a hard time with the term ‘big picture’.
Here’s an easier mission for you:
If you happen to have a daughter teach her what it means to be a lady.
If she’s in the room don’t bark at the TV about how black women ain’t worth your time.
If you have a co-worker or employee who is a single black woman – don’t give her a free pass – but sympathize with her, give her that extra hour if she’s honest to take care of an urgent (i said urgent) matter.
If you pass a black woman on the street give her the courtesy of a smile and a hello.
When you get home tell that daughter she’s pretty and do the same for her mother.
When you do come across that ‘strange women’ who’s got a penchant for ‘nigg..’ remember she’s got a story too…and so does that ‘nigg..’
These things don’t require you to go out and get a woman not suited for you…and you can still do some good ( :
Should there be any discussion of demographics here? I get incredibly tired of discussions of black relationships that are not attentive to incarceration or black poverty. Both of these things affect black relationship statistics. And Bossman, I don’t really know what to say to a such misogyny, except that you’re the one who should get help.