During a recent radio tour, reality star NeNe Leakes appeared on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and shared an interesting thought on black men, marriage counseling, and church. When asked about her marriage and remarriage to her husband Gregg Leakes, she stated one of her requests to him was for both to attend couple’s counseling, which initially he had a bit of a struggle with. His reasoning, according to NeNe, was that
black men don’t go to counseling they go to church.
According to her, this was more of an old school way of thinking. While I am quite aware of the challenges men have with seeking outside guidance for their relationships, I wasn’t as familiar with this particular phrase.
I know there are certain stigmas associated with having a counselor or therapist, especially within our communities. We were taught not to air our dirty laundry, solve our own problems, and basically deal with whatever comes our way. As a result, we sometimes pretend to maintain a sense of strength on the outside, when we are broken and damaged on the inside.
As women, we sometimes feel like we have to be a superwoman on one hand, yet be soft and accommodating to our men on the other. While men have their own sets of challenges as it relates to relationships. Men are fixers by nature. So I can imagine how frustrating it must be to have to admit to an outside individual that the relationship is something they are unable to fix. I can usually see the hesitation on many of my male client’s faces when they come into my office. They would rather be anywhere but there at that moment. Until, of course, I reassure them this couple’s coaching isn’t quite like anything they may have expected.
I do understand the thinking behind not seeking coaching, counseling or therapy. People want to be able to fix themselves. It makes sense that men would much rather go to church. It feels as though there is still some control. Plus, it’s familiar. Many of us have been raised in the church, so we know exactly what to expect. These other sources are less familiar and a sure sign, in many people’s opinions, that something is wrong with us or the relationship. We don’t feel like that when we’re in church. We know everyone is usually there for the same purpose, to develop a stronger relationship with God. Church makes our self-improvements seem a little easier. Men probably feel safer in church and there isn’t anything wrong with that.
The bottom line is accountability. Whether it is the Pastor, Counselor or a Coach, if we are looking to improve any area of our lives we need to be challenged and held accountable. This is usually the challenge. People want to solve their own problems and would rather not be questioned on how specifically they plan on doing that. However, once it becomes clear we cannot achieve our relationship goals on our own, we have to take action. The truth is our marriages, and us as individuals, need constant prayer, spiritual connection, quiet reflection and in certain cases guidance from a relationship professional. So to all the Gregg Leakes of the world, it’s time to do whatever is necessary to bring healing into our homes and our marriages.
BMWK, what do you think of the statement “black men don’t go to counseling they go to church”?