I usually do not share my business on social media because people are too judgmental, plus I grew up with the ole school saying, “What happens in my house stays in my house.” However, I am lost and need some guidance. That old saying is not helping me out so I decided to write you. I am going to get straight to the point. Should I Commit to Marrying A Woman With Six Children?
I am a 48-year-old black male with one 16-year-old son. I recently got divorced and met this 30 year-old young lady that I really like. We get along really well and I believe that she is marriage material with the exception of one challenge. She has six young children by six different men and she does not have a good job. My family thinks that she is looking for a sugar daddy and I think that she is looking for someone who can truly love her. I am torn between what I feel and the potential financial burden that this relationship can cause me. Should I Commit to Marrying A Woman With Six Children?
Thanks,
Ole School
Dear Ole School,
I appreciate your willingness to disregard old sayings that inhibit personal and interpersonal growth. I am not sure if I can answer your question without a little more detail, but I will attempt too based on the information that you provided. In my professional opinion, the decision to marry the young lady should be based on three factors.
Factor #1: Your ability to love the young lady and her six children unconditionally.
You are stepping into a situation that has many potential downfalls ranging from the age difference to the negative family talk. With this in mind, you must be willing to love the young lady and her children unconditionally. I mention the word unconditional because you cannot allow naysayers to cause you to question your love. You have to love the young lady despite her shortcomings. If not, the naysayers will cause you to question your love and actions.
She might not be perfect and that is okay as long as you can love her without wanting to change her. Also, make sure that you cope with the “sugar daddy” talk in a positive manner and do not attack her because of what others think about her. Take your time and get to know her for yourself. If you are not a good judge of character then please seek professional help. Lastly, whatever you do, just know that the goal of marriage should be to remain together forever and this is only possible if unconditional love is present.
Factor #2: Your ability to deal with the age difference in a realistic and healthy manner.
While age is not a big deal for some people, it can become a burden for others. You need to make sure that you are prepared to deal with the 18-year aging process in a positive manner. There are many couples who have significant age gaps and they do well. However, I have also seen some couples with significant age gaps drift apart over time. Age differences can be either good or bad so make sure that you find the good in your situation and build on it.
Factor #3: Your ability to provide for the young lady and her children financially.
Some people say that money cannot buy you love. I agree, but it is needed to buy everything else. Taking on the financial responsibility of six children, your future wife, your own son and yourself can be challenging if the money is funny. If I were you, I would develop a financial plan that addresses all the foreseeable expenses and make sure that you have enough money to maintain the kind of lifestyle that you desire to live.
The young lady may love you for you, but please keep in mind that some people do not show their true selves until the money is funny. It is not my intent to minimize or make light of the love that might be present, but I want you to know that financial difficulty is among the top three contributing factors that lead to marital discord and divorce.
I will close by saying that the number of children that a woman has does not determine if she is marriage material. Also, the number of children that a woman has does not determine who she is or who she can become. Do not judge the young lady, but do not overlook red flags. Remember that love does not have an identity until it shows its ugly side. Make sure that you know what you are looking for in a woman and do not overlook the obvious red flags.
I wish you well and hope that you arrive at the best decision for you.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.