by Reginald Williams
The blended family now serves as America’s norm. This is especially true in the larger segment of the African-American population when one factors in the sky-scraping out-of-wedlock birthrate complemented by an equally dismal divorce pace. Even within the larger society 65 percent of the people who remarry will do so bringing children into the new marriage.
Negotiating the geography of a blended family can be rewarding, but oftentimes it’s much more challenging. Expectations are too high, the non-custodial parent relationship can be problematic to your family, and children are often expected to accept this new relationship without being allotted sufficient time to adjust. These crises habitually arise because couples fail to thoroughly explore and set the foundational work that must take place prior to saying “I do.”
So, what are the ingredients required to ensure that a blended family becomes a fruitful smoothie?
Actually the energy that is necessary to blend a family into that fruitful smoothie is no different than the vigor needed to enjoy a marriage filled with “wedded bliss.” Unfortunately, the problem with the blended family concept is that the definition is too narrowly defined. The reality is that every marriage is a one that is made up of a blended family. If you disagree with my ascertain take a look at that married couple where one is a saver and the other is a spender. Or how about the one in the marriage who feverishly celebrates most holidays while their spouse wants no part of what they deem to be bogus celebrations. And if that’s not enough evidence lay your focus on the traditional married couple (only children born within their marriage) who possesses different discipline approaches ““ one is an advocate of corporal punishment because that was the form of discipline used in their upbringing ““ while the other spouse is dead set against it. These situations as well as others alike necessitate the blending of attitudes, positions, temperaments and resolves ““ and if cleaving to one flesh fails to occur division takes root in the marriage thereby putting the welfare of the family at risk. Everything about your marriage should be about the spirit of blending ““ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh,” Genesis 2:24.
Make no mistake that today’s blended family ““ as we have come to know them ““brings an added and unique ingredient to the marriage journey, an ingredient that unfortunately isn’t under your supervision. What occurs when your children/stepchildren return home after spending time with the other parent can no doubt cause a stir in your household! The structure and balance that you have achieved can be disrupted with just a few weekend visits or even a midweek phone call.
When I married my wife I entered our union as a single father raising two children born out-of-wedlock; my wife had a daughter from a previous marriage. Amongst all the initial quandaries we were able to properly manage ““ both non-custodial parents resided 120 miles or more from where we lived and working to coordinate weekend visits, pickups and drop-off times oftentimes proved daunting. But because my wife and I properly prepared for those occasions and because the strength of our union was evident to our exes, we were able to abort a great deal of stress.
Understand that the same principles employed to assure that your blended family functions positively and productively are the same doctrine required to successfully and honorable live our your vow of “till death do us part.” Here follows are four practices that must absolutely be employed.
Check their luggage
Provide children with an avenue to properly process their hurt. Children who are the products of an absentee or a divorced parent, or a custodial parent filled with anger/disappointment because of the non-custodial parent usually harbor harsh feelings about their situation. Not providing that child with the space and time to process their hurt will do nothing but speed up the demise of your blended family. Remember before you board an airplane the airline will not allow you to board your flight until your baggage or at least scanned. They are ensuring the safety of their passengers and attempting to make certain that the passenger arrive at their desired designation unharmed.
Devise a collective blueprint for the family to live by:
It’s been stated that “he who fails to plan, plans to fail.” Be proactive and plan for your success. You must sit down with all family members and develop a “Family Plan.” You must remove as much ambiguity in your day-to-day lives as possible to reduce the stress and potential problems that could cripple the process of blending the family. It is imperative that you and your spouse are on one accord. Your oneness will create a feeling of certainty and security for the children. This will loom large when mediating their concerns.
Listen, emphatically hear and address the children’s concerns:
God’s word instructs that children honor their parents, however it also cautions fathers not to “embitter [their] children, or they will become discouraged.” When bringing children into the fold of a new family under new leadership it is absolutely imperative that they feel like their voice is heard, and that their concerns ““ real for them ““ are addressed.
Providing a learning curve:
Children need a safe space and meaningful support to adjust to their new family surroundings. As a child my stepdaughter (who I only refer to as my daughter) would scurry up and down the stairs and make as much noise as she most possibly could. When it was just her and her mother that wasn’t a problem ““ for me it was an issue. When we set the decorum for how to move about on the stairs I had to provide my daughter time to adapt her behavior. It is the responsibility of the parents ““ because supposedly parents are the mature ones, to allow children the time to grow and mature to the stated expectation. Time and abundant support normally makes for a healthier family unit.
Reginald Williams along with his wife Peachie are Certified Marriage and Relationship educators; they are the co-founders of the Marriage Nectar, a marriage and relationship enrichment organization. Reginald is also the author of the blog www.ruleyourwife316.com. You can follow Reggie on Twitter.com/ruleyourwife or contact him via the company website at www.marriagenectar.com.