Lamar and I met Mrs. TJ Haygood at a function last month where we were vendors selling our Happily Every After DVD. As she purchased a DVD, Mrs. Haygood proudly proclaimed that she has been happily married to her husband for over 27 years and that they were still friends. Mrs. Haygood spent a few minutes sharing the story of how they met, of their marriage , about their kids and she was glowing the entire time. Before she could leave the table, I asked her if she would share her story with the BMWK family.
Please read the interview below with this month’s spotlight couple Angelo and TJ Haygood. Their story is a true testiment of how applying God’s Word to your marriage will provide the greatest joy, fulfillment and satisfaction that a marriage relationship can provide!!
BMWK: How long have you known each other and how long have you been married?
TJ: We met in the fall of 1980 when we were both sophomores at North Carolina A&T State University in Greensboro. I was a transfer student from Southwestern Christian College in Terrell, TX and he was a student counselor with the responsibility to greet all of the new freshmen and transfer students. It was a great way for the guys to meet the new girls on campus. He was the first person I met on campus. He liked me but the feelings were not mutual at the time. I thought he was really nice, the kind of guy you would want to take home to mom but not my kind at the time. We were friends for 2 years and then got married in the fall of 1982 during our senior year after only 2 ½ months of dating. However, for two years we talked about everything while dating other people. We really liked each other as truly best friends and eventually saw that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together as we embraced the adventures of life. We still feel that way about each other. He is a wonderful person and a true blessing to my life.
BMWK: How many kids do you have and how old are they?
Haygoods: We have two sons, Austin and Tyler Haygood. Austin is 26 and Tyler is 24. They are both college graduates, single, and pursuing their life’s dream. Austin graduated (2005) from Iowa State in Aerospace Engineering and Tyler graduated (2007) from Pepperdine in Music Theater. Tyler lives in New York and Austin lives in Arizona.
BMWK: Why was it important for you to get married at such a young age?
Haygoods: As young Christians, we were on fire for the Lord and wanted Him to bless our lives. At the same time, we were also on fire for each other. Therefore, in our desire to please God and have his blessings cover us, we got married the first semester of our senior year. We often look back and thank God for bringing us together when he did.
BMWK: What response did you receive from your family and friends about getting married at such a young age?
Haygoods: Everyone was shocked and surprised. We each had recently ended an extended relationship and none of our family members or closest friends had ever heard us talk about “this other person.” Some of them thought I was pregnant because they could not justify in their minds any other reason why we had to get married so quickly and not wait until after graduation.
It was the best way we knew how to demonstrate our faith and dedication to God. We wanted to honor God with our bodies as a living sacrifice as mentioned in Romans. Please know, we were not saints, but passionate believers about our faith who wanted to live right and honor God. We are so thankful for God’s grace and mercy as He continues to demonstrate His love for over 27 years in spite of our disobedience, fear, and/or lack of faith at times.
BMWK: What are your professions?
Haygoods: Angelo is a retired Lt. Col., from the USAF. He is currently the Deputy Chief of Operations for Recruiting Services for the USAF as a civil servant (GS-15), where he is responsible for worldwide recruiting operations for various aspects of air force recruiting policies and procedures.
TJ is the owner and founder of an employment consulting and training company called Confidential Search Solutions,LLC where they focus on professional and executive recruiting, career development training, and career counseling services. Additionally, they offer a variety of online career tools for any and all professionals at Confidential Search Online.
BMWK: Since you built your careers together, how did you support each other in achieving your goals?
TJ: Because we based our marriage on biblical principles in scripture, we had a different perspective on marital roles than those generally accepted by our generation and those who are younger. It was and still is our understanding that God created woman to be man’s “helper or help-meet” according to Genesis. Therefore, as a wife, I saw my role as a total supportive role (like the VP to the President) specifically designed to take care of my husband’s needs. I know that may sound foreign to some, but it worked for us. So I was a house wife that worked sometimes and sometimes not over the years. I entertained our guests, cooked our meals, washed our clothes, and decorated our homes, and took care of our children in between various career opportunities I had in between military assignments.
BMWK: Do you think your spouse’s support is instrumental in achieving success? Please explain.
TJ: Even though we both had job offers at the end of our junior year (he with the Air Force and I with Hewlett Packard), we both knew that I would give up my career at anytime we received another military assignment. Please understand, my husband was also very supportive of me and my career (most of the time). However, when it was time to transition for our next military move, there was never a question about what I would do. We did not believe in making the choice to separate ourselves in order for me to have my career. We truly believed we belonged together whenever we had a choice to do so. There were many times when we were apart due to temporary duty military assignments (where family members could not accompany the military members) but that was not by our personal choice.
Please know it was extremely difficult at times when I had various jobs that I absolutely loved. However, we got through it because we were committed to God first to honor our marriage and then we were committed to each other. Amazingly, each time we sacrificed His will for ours, He blessed us more than ever before. We have been truly humbled by His grace and mercy.
BMWK: What’s the key to remaining friends?
Haygoods: Are you sure you really want to know my answer to this question? Do you have enough time? 🙂 The keys to remaining friends include the following:
- You must be open with one another about your definition and understanding of true friendship. Then make sure you both agree to the definition. If one pledges to be friends or to love someone for better and for worst, then when it gets worst (and it will with health issues, children issues, romance issues, third party issues, and/or financial issues, etc.), you need to be there and not quit or give up. It is okay to fight for the marriage but not against one another.
- Always treat the other person with respect and show them honor and recognition in public. Compliments do matter, regardless of what some people say.
- Be willing to love a person for who they are, not for who they can become nor because of what they can give to you or do for you.
- Be willing to accept the person’s weaknesses and/or limitations, recognizing we all have various areas of limitations.
- Be willing to tell each other the truth, even if it hurts to do so. We believed it was important to practice telling the truth to one another even if the consequences seemed too high. The truth can sometimes scar the relationship if one is not strong enough, but the truth will always set you free and time is the best healer of all wounds. Therefore, Again, we believed it was our way of honoring God by being honest with each other and know (or learn) that the truth does not change the commitment to the relationship even if it is undesirable.
- Although we were friends for two years, we still had a lot to learn about one another after we were married. We are thankful we had the time to become acquainted with each other as a person and not romantically or physically first to cloud our understanding of who the other person really was. Physical relationships before marriage can truly complicate things and contribute to huge misunderstanding of who people really are.
- Limit your friends to the ones who respect your marriage and shows honor to God.
BMWK: And what’s the key to keeping your relationship fresh and exciting?
Haygoods: The key to keeping your relationship fresh is:
- Learn to love yourself first. It is okay to give yourself permission to look good, smell good, be good, do good with or without the other person’s permission
- Give acknowledgment and encouragement to your spouse, especially husbands to wives. Earlier in the marriage, if my husband did not acknowledge my looks or encourage my career decisions, I would get disappointed and then did not do what I wanted or needed to do because I was so emotionally charged and very needy. I later had to learn that no one can make anyone else happy. Happiness comes from within and from having a thankful and strong relationship with God.
- Be as positive as possible, because our attitude affects our husbands a lot more than we may realize. In our home, if I was happy, he was happy. If I was miserable, he became miserable. It was way too much, so I had to grow stronger emotionally.
- Remember the old adage, “Whatever it took to get your spouse is the same thing it will take to keep him in the house.”
- Tons of prayer, meditation, fasting, and great wisdom from older married couples.
BMWK: You have been married for quite some time and I am sure you are a positive example for other young couples. Something that we have recently been discussing on the site is: who do you allow to influence your marriage. When you were a younger couple, who did you turn to for advice and now that you have been together longer than most other couples who do you turn to?
Haygoods: For us the answer is the same. We turned to mostly my parents (who will be married 50 years on February 2, 2010), his parents at times, and other older couples in the church that have been married a minimum of 10 years longer than we have.
BMWK: Since you were married at such a young age, what are your thoughts on getting married young and do you recommend it?
Haygoods: There are many advantages and disadvantages of getting married young. One advantage is having the chance to build a life together over many decades with wonderful memories to share in your older years together. Another advantage is you typically have more energy to give to your children, and also you are more adaptable to change when you are younger than when you are older and set in your ways.
We highly recommend getting married young if both parties are committed to God first more than they are committed to each other. God is the greatest teacher of true love and forgiveness. Those two ingredients are the key to a successful marriage, love and forgiveness. Everything else isn’t as important.
BMWK: What is the key to longevity in a relationship?
Haygoods: True love (not lust) and forgiveness are the key ingredients for us.
BMWK Family: Please help me in thanking the Haygoods for sharing their wonderful story and valuable marriage advice!!! They are living proof that happily married black couples do exist. Also check back tomorrow as the Haygoods provide tips for newlyweds.
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If you or someone you know would like to be featured as our couple of the month send us an email with your story to: info@blackandmarriedwithkids.com.