Growing up in New Orleans was a great experience, especially on the weekends. My mother, brother, and I would ride the streetcar, also known as the trolley for some, down St. Charles Avenue and meet my dad for lunch.
My dad was not only more than my father, he was also a great provider, fun to be around, always made me feel safe, gave me almost any and everything that I wanted, and more. I used to travel with him just to be around him, knowing he would be too busy to give me the attention I wanted, but it was enough just to be around him.
Then things began to change, I became a teenager. (Yeah, every parent reading this just rolled their eyes or took a deep breath.) I began having an opinion of my own which in a way caused me to realize that while my dad did a lot for my brother and I he wasn’t consistent in teaching me to be a man of my word. I found a good amount of his commentary contradictory to the type of man he was teaching me to be.
He would tell my brother and I, “Be a man of your word! It is all you have in this world of lies and deceit,” but his actions and words didn’t always match.
[Disclaimer: Please know I am not bad-mouthing my dad, he’s a great man. I’m using my childhood experience to make a point which is, my dad unconsciously taught me that I didn’t have to keep my word all of the time. Again I do not fault, blame, nor am I mad with him. I mean his dad did the same thing to him and probably even further back in the bloodline; the ‘cycle’ started somewhere.]
One example of my disappointment was the promise of half-priced candy after a major holiday. My dad would say, “After (insert holiday) I will buy you and your brother 2 bags of whatever candies you want.” It may not seem like much to some but it taught me the little things didn’t matter, only the big promises did.
Now that I have a child of my own I can recall every moment of hurt, pain, disappointment, frustration, and yes even anger from my childhood disappointments. Those memories go as far back as 5 years old. I am now 34 years old but feel them like they happened yesterday.
I didn’t realize that it had affected me as deeply until I became an adult, husband, son, true friend, and mostly a father.
I have made promises to my wife, myself, friends, family, my son, and so on but it didn’t reveal itself until my wife pointed out to me that I hadn’t kept my promise to her and our son. That was the moment I felt my heart sink into my chest like an anvil. I sat down to let the thought and emotion sink in and also started asking God for help on a daily basis.
Here is what I did:
I Spoke Life to My Dead Past
I would wake up, say my prayers, and before saying amen speak this phrase, “I am a man of my word. God won’t let me make a promise beyond my control. The curse of broken promises has ended with me. My son and future children will be promise keepers, men/women of their word. They will never make a promise that they cannot and know they will not keep.”
I Practiced What I Internally Preached
If I made a promise or said I would do something I saved a message in my phone so I wouldn’t forget. Now, I have had a few hiccups but I have made sure to make up for my mess-ups. It doesn’t change the potential disappointment but it shows my promise was true.
I Forgave My Father
My dad didn’t and doesn’t know the impact of how his words effected me. When he and I talk on the phone I don’t bring up our past. I talk to him about how proud I am that he was my dad and that God gave me such an amazing father. I mean I could put him through a guilt trip but I would rather be grateful knowing someone else wishes they had a father like mine or even knew their dad.
I Forgave Myself
At some point I had to forgive myself for all of the broken promises I committed. I mean there is someone, other than my wife and kid that I have left disappointed or hurt from not keeping my word. I can’t change for the better unless I accept my fault, know I will actively change, and forgive myself when it doesn’t happen the way I plan it to. I do make up for my mess ups though.
From that I just continue to live my life and be a man of my word. I mean I didn’t want to continue a generational curse of broken promises and made a vow to God, myself, my wife, and my son to no longer promise what I couldn’t. In other-words … I don’t let my mouth write a check that my butt can’t cash (you can Google the actual phrase).
Just those changes alone have improved my relationship with my wife and it has impacted my relationship with my son. Even though he won’t know any of this until he is older I will be able to say, I am (was) a man of my word who has taught my son that his word is all he has when everything else changes.
BMWK: How do you keep your promises? Do we share the same story? Have you forgiven yourself for broken promises? How have broken promises impacted you?