Dear Dr. Buckingham
My husband and I have been married one year and 8 months. We have known each other since high school. Our relationship has been filled with its ups and downs. However I feel that there has been way more downs then ups. We argue a lot and it seems like once we take one step forward that we end up taking 4 steps back and we never end up in the same place again. I am so frustrated at the moment and I am so ready to call it quits.
My husband has a problem lying. I do not know what to do! I am confused because I feel that he does not care about me or love me. How can he if he continuously lie and try to hide things. We have been dealing with his lying for a while. I am trying to make it work! Honestly I am sick of trying. He has gotten a lot better and a lot has changed but the lies continue. He lies about stupid things, small things, and insignificant things. These lies cause arguments that could easily be avoided. I am very frustrated at the moment. I do not know what to do, whether to stay or to go, please advise! Can I Have Peace in a Marriage Filled with Lies?
Frustrated Wife,
Dear Frustrated Wife,
Peace in marriage is found in a couple’s ability to rely on each other, to be trustworthy and to be honest. Lying is never good for any relationship because trust is lost. Whether small or big, lying can quickly lead to distrust and conflict. However, you can restore trust and have peace in your marriage if both you and your husband are willing to do some work.
Here are 4 strategies that you can use to restore peace in your marriage:
Strategy 1 – Explore potential reasons for your husband’s lying. In my professional and personal experience, I have learned that people lie primarily for two reasons: fear or selfishness. Lying occurs out of fear because individuals do not feel safe. If an individual believes that his or her spouse will become aggressive, judgmental or resentful, he or she might convince him or herself that lying is better because they might be able to avoid the harsh reaction. This kind of thinking is illogical because lying makes things worse. However, fear clouds our thinking. Monitor your reaction and make sure that you help create a safe environment, even if the truth might hurt. Help your spouse work through his fear and you can potentially resolve the lying.
Lying also occurs out of selfishness. Some people put their needs before others and lie to get what they want. They might experience some fear, but their primary motive is selfishness. If your husband is lying because he is selfish, you have a different issue. Selfish and self-centered people must do some self-reflection and explore how their lying has impacted their life and relationships. This work is best done with the support of a professional or with someone who will hold the person accountable. Your husband should consider visiting a professional to work through his own issues related to lying. He probably did not start lying after he married you. This could be prolonged behavior.
Strategy 2 – Be transparent about your hurt and remain supportive. Let your husband know in an assertive manner that you are frustrated and hurt. Process your pain, but remain available to your husband. Believe it or not, individuals who lie often need reinforcement and praise. They need to know that others love them unconditionally. This does not mean that you neglect or minimize how you feel or tolerate nonsense. Express your frustration without bitterness and anger. Hopefully this will help your husband come clean. Sometimes we have to model the desired behavior in our marriage.
Strategy 3 – Be Patient. You and your husband have been trying to work through the lying, but have you all been patient? Patience requires a certain temperament. Being patient involves understanding, calmness and compassion. Once trust is damaged, individuals struggle with being patient. Both of you have to be patient if trust is to be restored.
Strategy 4 – Seek professional help. Sometimes we can work hard, but do not have the proper tools. I have worked with hundreds of couples who were doing everything they could to improve their marriages, but were not making progress because they were working with the wrong stuff. If what you are doing is not working, then you have to do something different. A professional like myself can help you restore peace in your marriage.
Remember that behind every behavior, there is an emotion and reason. Lying stems from somewhere and we should strive to understand it before we pass judgment. This can be difficult because we often desire to persecute and/or abandon those who are wrong or betray us. Work with your husband and acquire the right tools before you through in the towel.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.