by Tara Pringle Jefferson
My friend Chris posted on his Facebook status about how men and women could never be friends so we should just stop trying.
I wanted to write in his box to agree with him, because I wholeheartedly think the whole “Just friends” thing is ridiculous.
But then I realized: Chris is my friend. And he’s a guy.
Hmmm. Busted all sorts of holes in that theory, huh?
As I went through my mental rolodex of guy friends, I realized not a single one of them existed to me outside of the internet. Meaning, our collective interaction could be reduced to a handful of instant messages, Facebook wall posts, comments on my blog, or Twitter updates.
I do not hang out with them after work, we don’t go to concerts together, they certainly don’t come over to my house and chill. We don’t exchange gifts or go to the movies, they don’t really know when my birthday is and I don’t really care when theirs is either. Stopping to think about it, my male friendships are so shallow that I’m not even sure I can call them friends. More like online buddies.
Then I wondered if it had to do with my martial status. My friend Chris is single. All my guy friends are single. Most of them, like Chris, I met online somewhere (we’re in the same professional organization, write for the same websites, etc.) The few that I actually know in real life transitioned to being online buddies once I skipped down the aisle.
So my question to you: Can men and women be friends? How has the internet and all the different modes of communicating now changed that? Is it more acceptable to communicate with, say an ex-boyfriend on Facebook once a week, versus him calling the house once a week? Do you have more friends of the opposite sex online than you do in real life?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.
Tony says
I think it’s possible for men and women to be friends, expecially over the internet. But when it comes to face to face friendships, if they find each other attractive, are in the same age range, have a lot in common, and the opportunity is there, there will always be a certain amount of unspoken sexual tension.
They may not act on it, but it’ll be there. I’ve shot a lot of weddings videos, and it’s not unusual for it to start with friendship, with everyone except the couple noticing there was something special going on between them.
Brotha Tech says
The short answer is no…the “ride the fence” answer is no…and the long-winded answer is (you guessed it) no.
Social web networking has possibly increased the number of “collegues of the opposite sex” (C.O.T.O.S.) you interact with on a daily basis, but when it comes down to it, too many of the same issues arise when a male and female claim to be “good friends” – IRL or net buddies.
King James says
No one says “we’re just married” or “We’re just best friends.”
I don’t really say ‘just friends.’ I think the connotative meaning is too strong and instantly implies to many that something is being covered up.
I think that if you are not committed to do… or NOT to do something… you will stray. Having access to folks who want to be romantic with you makes that easy.. but so does having a car and legs and two working hands… they all make it easier.
Being married, we all understand why we don’t want our spouses to have other opp. sex friends. But is it possible with no hanky.. sure is.
I will say that although I have many real life and online female friends, I’ve had to have the ‘naw, I don’t want to talk to you like that’ convo several times. But hey, we’re human.
Besides.. who could blame them.. i’m sexy.
TheAverageBlackman says
Can I and women be just friend? Well I cant speak for all men but it is my opinion and in my experience the answer is no, and hears why.
One Eve was not put on earth to be Adam friend, so men and women are wired to look at each differently and as a man I know we guys for the most part are not looking for a friend of the opposite sex. Now my wife and I are great friends but when I first saw her I did not say to my self yea I think she will be a great friend one day. Now let me tell you the story of me and my one time good friend. So we met in college we shared the same group of friend we all hung out and eat meals together some of you know how college life is, meeting different people from all over it was great. Now me and this one young lady seemed to have a lot in common. She was smart funny and attractive, but at that time I think I was see someone or had just broken up with a young lady. So anyway me and this friend started hanging out more not just in the group but one on one. Now I must say in my own defense that I did not see all the signs that this young lady was attracted to me in that way. I must have been so into what I was doing that I was blind. She told me all about her self and her life before college and she even introduced me to her mother when she came to visit. You know how when you meet your girlfriend parent for the first time and the say so your such and such “I have heard so much about youâ€, even then it did not click. So I continued to live life in my own world ignoring all the sign around me. This girl was great because she did not say a word to me about how she felt. Then one day it happened it all came to an end. Most of you are not going to believe me but what Im about to tell you is the real truth. So its the end of the semester and we are having a party with a lot of alcohol, and let me tell you we were both smashed so I walk her to her room and before we know it one thing lead to another and our friendship is never the same. We try to move the relationship to the next level but for me it was not going to work. maybe I gave in to her because I felt desperate or maybe I felt obligated because she was such a good friend, I dont know all I do know is that ones the friendship line has been broken you can not go back and to this day I miss my friend. I think we as men and women want to develop close relationship with member of the opposite sex but the longer and the more you to know someone the more you start to like them in a more intimate way. I have seen it time and time again in the end someone always catches feeling for the other one whether you know it or not. So for me the answer will always be NO.
DonielleMichele says
Uhhhhh NO! Online you may get a hi how r u but I will NEVER hang with a guy other than my husband and his friends (in my hubby’s presence). I WILL NOT tolerate my hubby having female friends and in turn I DO NOT have male friends. Too many things could happen, might happen or already happened…..keep your distance…lol!
Allygyrl702 says
I think the answer is yes. I have a guy friend that I have had since the 9th grade and there has never been any attraction between us. I think he is an attractive guy but I am not personally attracted to him. He and I hung out all the time. He would hang out with me and my friends and I would hang out with him and his friends but we ALWAYS saw each other as brother and sister. I did however, respect the boundaries whenever he said he was serious about a girl and I would do my best to try and be-friend the girl and also not invite him out so much or call so often. I respected the relationship. He is now getting married in a few months and I have become good friends with his fiance. We watch each other’s kids. It is all like family. I think if ALL PARTIES involved respect the relationship to set certain boundaries then it could definitely work.
DonielleMichele says
Tha’t a very very rare situation Allygyrl702. Unfortunately everyone is not so lucky in those circumstances. I look at it like this…..Would I take the chance and “allow” my husband to have female friends hoping “nothing” happens OR do I say heck no and be sure of where we stand and who we hang out with? I will definitely choose the “Heck No” answer….lol! Marriage is already hard enough to deal with without bringing some opposite sex drama in the picture. Your situation is different because u knew this dude for years and fell into the family category without an “oops, drunken night” scenario. I say Kudos to you but in general, it’s still a no go for me. You can only control yourself and u never know what another woman’s intentions really are when they “befriend” your spouse. People can put up an act for a VERY long time and as soon as you get comfortable…..you find yourself walking thru the door to see your husband and friend “helping u make your bed!”
TheAverageBlackman says
DonielleMichele and Allygyrl702, I feel where you both are combining from. I guess if you have known someone for a long time you can be just friends. As a man and a husband I just thinks it makes things uncomfortable when you have friends of the opposite sex. In my situation my wife has a guy friend and they are just friends I’m cool with them hanging out we even went on vacation with him and his fiancé, so it’s totally cool. I know in this regards I’m the exception not the rule most guys would be like hell no you can’t go to another mans house or to the movies, but at this point I’m like if she is going to do something what can I do to stop and the same goes for her and I’m sure if she was going to do something with dude she would have done it before we had our son. For me after we got married the female friends that I had stop calling and hanging around and now when I meet new people thru work or whatever and they find out that I’m married that act different so now I can’t meet any new female friends, not that I want any.
LaKeyshaF says
Forming attachments means that you are giving and recieving something from that person and in the case of the opposite sex it can be easy for them to fall into a position that your spouse should be occupying (i.e. best friend, confidante, confessor, sexual fulfillment etc. )
The danger is that with friends you do not have the same standard/expectations that you do with your spouse and so they can easily become the person that u look to fulfill you in the way that your spouse is not. You think you’re getting all the perks of the opposite sex without the work and possible baggage but u r really making room for intimacy (not necessarily sexual) and inappropriate attachments.
Personal experience has also taught my husband and me this.
1. My husband and this girl were friends and i met them both at the same time. We all three hung out together for a while then he started calling me and flirting etc. Now i had heard her tease him about him not being anything close to the type of guy she would like but i wanted to make sure i wouldnt be stepping on any toes. So i called her and asked her if there was anything between them, if she liked him, and if she would have a problem with us possibly dating. Now i told her that me and him were just cool but i wanted to get her perspective before it went anywhere. She Emphatically said NO. Well a few months down the road she completely disappeared out of our lives and refused to take our calls. Left the Church we had all attended etc. When we eventually got in touch with her she said that she loved him and was mad that we were together and she thought they would end up together.
2. A friend he grew up with at his parents church comes home from college. (THey dated when they were like 12 for 2 weeks) We meet and greet and everythings cool. She had a boyfriend she introduces us to…but i still dont dig the vibes i get from her and i think she likes my-at that time-fiance. At one point she even approached me at church and said that she felt like i thought she liked him and she didnt and she wanted us to be friends, how could she help with the wedding etc. Well one month after we’re married she accuses my husband of sleeping with her. She tells her mom-who approached my in-laws with concern-and her sister-who spread it around the church. I guess she didnt think her mother would say anything to his parents and it would just be rumors but once again a so-called friend had feelings and wanted more.
In real life…is it POSSIBLE to have a non-sexual relationship with the opposite sex…yes…PROBABLE that said relationship will include no significant inappropriate attachments…NO.
LaKeyshaF says
Lastly…sorry for the long reply…I think online friends are even more dangerous because people tend to lose their inhibitions on the net because they feel a sense of anonymity and very little accountability for what they say. They can also feel like its a “safe” outlet for these actions because its not real life.
TheAverageBlackman says
My Girl, LaKeyshaF I agree with you 100% on both you points. At some point in the relationship of so called friends things change and the lines between friendship and the next level are crossed and the friendship is used as a way to compensate for something missing in the marital relationship and that creates all kind of problems. as far as internet friends, you are right people are never who they say their are and for the most part are using it as some form of escape which can also cause problems in a marriage.
I look forward to hearing you opinion on other issues in the future.
Anna says
Men and women can’t be friends. Associates, YES. Now if the other gender is gay and you know it clap your hands. They can be friends all day long. LOL.
MrsT says
I agree with Anna, any male friends I had before getting married have been put on associate status. Which means I’m only keeping up with them on Facebook and with Christmas cards. As far a my husband goes, female friends are out of the question. He has a baby-mama and an ex-wife, that’s way too many extra females from the jump.
Anna says
MrsT said:
He has a baby-mama and an ex-wife, thats way too many extra females from the jump.
~~~~~~
Call me selfish but my hubby has no kids or ex wives. My ex fiance’ had a couple of ex wives but no kids. My kids dad, I have his first 3 kids with. I avoided baby-mama drama like the plague. I can’t even imagine having a mother-in-law that didn’t like me and vice versa. You can’t help who you fall in love with but you can meet someone and know if it’s worth the headache in the future to continue the relationship. I purposley don’t choose to be with a man with kids. I am a baby mama and know how we can still wiggle things out of the bio dad. Even though my kids’ dad paid child support he still bought their winter coats, boots, Jordons, bikes, cars. He helps with college and car repairs. I did not abuse my baby-mama status but am glad hubby does not have one. LOL.
Relationship Education says
This topic is so interesting because I wrote a blog on “19 Signs of a Close Call Friendship leading to an Affair”. Its a talk I saw Dave Carder give at this years Smart Marriages conference. Our circle of couple friends has had this argument for years! I think its possible to have opposite sex friendships with certain boundaries. Single gals & guys can be friends without it leading to ‘benefits’ – I had tons of guy friends before I got married and I was not dating or making out with them. The boundaries were that I introduced them to my boyfriend (now hubby of 9 years) – I didn’t have them over at my apartment alone and I certainly never visited them in theirs. We had fun in a group but I never had one on one lunch ‘dates’ etc. In other words – it was a genuine friendship without crossing into sexual lines or creating an atmosphere to encourage one. I learned my lesson back in the 90’s when I blurred boundaries between a friend and boyfriend and a world of hurt ensued. Now as a married gal and a marriage educator – I highly recommend setting up boundaries in opposite sex friendships. Tread with care folks!
Bigmann says
Bigup guys… this is interesting. what y’all said makes sense. my take is, I try to keep it simple and tight. i had too many female friends and thought it was ‘the just friends’ type not untill I married and realised I broke way too many hearts.
Now its a ‘Hallo girl’ thing nothing more nothing less. I believe men and women can be friends but just as Relationship Educator said, boundaries must be set and these boundaries should be understood by your partner as well. Any objections raised should be understood from their perspective and okayed. At the end of the day, your hubby or wife should be your best friend, if thats not the case, serious problems lurking around the corner.
A married man / woman should not be in a too confortable friendship with the opposite sex. Period!
Dee says
Wow what a great topic. I just happened to stumble on this site while researching the topic some on the internet. Here are the things that I think, that I think regarding the topic:
• I think that people are too liberal with the term “Friend†without truly knowing the definition of the word.
• Websters defines friend as the following – a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
• Note that the word attachment and affection are connotations associated with the word friend. In our monogamous society, when we think of attachment and affection when referring to the opposite sex, outside of a familiar bond, it is naturally associated with a marriage or exclusive relationship. This is not necessarily the case in other cultures, but with some noted exceptions (Traditional Mormonism etc) it is the norm for our culture.
• Applying this definition to my same sex friends that I have had in the past this seems to certainly be applicable. I and the best friends that I had in college were absolutely attached and there was an affection between us (Healthy men do show affection, in fact I think black men dap up amongst each other more than any other culture I know of). We were able to tell each other everything, and it was natural comfortable and good (They both passed away very young, may god rest their souls).
• In order to attach to someone, there needs to be a bond of intimacy of some sort established. Whether that bond is sexual or not, intimacy of some sort must exist for a bond to be established. Sometimes the bond IS sex, but sometimes it isnt.
• Intimacy is defined by websters as: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
• So as you can see intimacy and friendship are bound together and there must be intimacy in order to have affection and subsequent attachment to another person
• People both men and women will naturally look for these aspects of the definition when they are single I believe. If they didnt well, humanity would cease to populate and thus cease to exist.
• But, AND ITS A BIG OLE BUT, by virtue of this definition if you look for friendship of the opposite sex when you are already in a marriage or exclusive relationship, then you are in essence looking for another attachment. Seeing as again this is a culture built on monogamy, naturally whether that attachment and affection is sexual or not, it cannot help but be viewed as a entity outside of the bounds of the traditional monogamous culture that exist in this country.
• Therefore this relationship will come under scrutiny by the persons spouse, family, society etc. Simply because we are cultured to attach ourselves to one person and one person only.
• Therefore I conclude that while married people could be friends with a member of the opposite sex, doing so would be in defiance of the cultural and societal standard that we have established in this country by the very definition of the word “friend†alone.
• I think that a perhaps a better term for opposite sex relationships outside of marriage is “associateâ€
• Websters Defines associate as: a person who shares actively in anything as a business, enterprise, or undertaking; partner; colleague; fellow worker
• The difference in the definitions of these words are obvious. What is missing is intimacy, affection and attachment, while still sharing activities. You can have opposite sex associates in any endeavor of life, from work to personal undertakings , hobbies, work, common interest, causes, etc. You are simply sharing an activity. I think that there are levels of associates. You can even have associates that you dont like but are working together towards a common goal. You can have close associates that you like and the undertaking that you are involved in gives you enjoyment or pleasure. However to note that the pleasure is not associated with the associate themselves but the undertaking they are involved in. You can hold conversations with, help, plan, even joke and laugh with inside of the boundaries of the enterprise that you are involved in, and it is completely harmless and culturally and societally acceptable. If you work with someone of the opposite sex then you have been involved with an associate.
• Even if you are involved in some sort of social networking web driven environment, your association with that person is still not intimate, personal or affectionate, and therefore you still have an associate.
• I think people tend to see the word associate and being a term of detachment and coldness and are thus hesitant to use it. But I think if more people understood the what the definitions of both words mean and all that it entails then people would govern themselves more in accordance with the culture that we have established.
• So when she sayin , I want to be just friends, yea what she really means is that I just want to be your associate, because she aint attaching to you or being intimate with you, or being affectionate with you.
Ok I know I have written a book here, but there is a part B to this whole thing. But I will save that for another post. Thanks
Valenciabey says
Yes men and women and be just friends. I’m a musician and many of my friends are men. Nothing more than friends. We spend time together and have common interests. I appreciate their perspective and companionship.
Dexterfan2011 says
I think men and woman can be just friends….and I speak from experience two of my very best friends are female…one happens to be a ex and the other a former co worker. we go out to lunch, movies hang out at each other houses. Their husbands have no problem with it, the key is to respect boundaries, I dont and wouldnt call them at 2am unless it was a life or death emergency. And another angle is theirs husband’s trust their wifes and ARE SECURE in their relationships. Most of the people who say no are insecure and think their mate is going to cheat on them with the mailman if given the chance. No one can steal your man or your woman..they are not car radio’s if they leave or cheat its because they wanted to they where given another option and they either said yes or no..its that simple. Angelina jolie didnt steal Brad from Jenn…she simply gave him another option he could have told her to kick rocks but for whatever reason he thought he would be better with Angie..which is good for Jenn bc honestly if I was dating a girl and she wasnt happy I would rather she leave me for who is going to make her happy so I could be free to find that person who is going to make me happy. And I know I am alittle off topic but bottom line if u dont trust your mate to have lunch with a guy or girl they have been friends with since the 3rd grade why are u with them??? If u trust them that little Why have then in your life