There is an invisible, intangible thing that draws two people together. It’s that thing when you first saw your Boo you just had to get to know her better. Or, you thought about how much you liked his energy. You hadn’t even spoken to him yet. Well, so many of us, as we move along in our relationships lose this thing…the ability to connect. We start to get into the everyday wear and tear of life and we just don’t understand how to bring it back together. So let’s talk a little about connection by going over four relationship enhancing conversations that will strengthen your connection.
Conversation 1: Recognizing Demon Dialogues
We might find ourselves in situations where we are blaming and finding ways to agitate our partner. With this type of conversation, you want to sit down and write down what it is that your partner actually does, whether it be in words or actions that you would like them to do differently. Once you write down those things, you must share them with your partner so that they know what they are doing to impact you negatively. Whether they agree or disagree, the objective is to increase their understanding of how you’re being impacted.
Often times, you find yourself in a relationship where the other person doesn’t actually know they are impacting you the way they are. It’s important to sit down and have this conversation and share how you may be feeling blamed, judged or criticized. It will help your partner understand you better and realize what they can do to improve the relationship. Sharing your triggers is important. The best way to do this is to talk about who you are.
When sharing with your partner, it’s important not to attach how you are feeling or your triggers to a specific scenario. If you avoid saying things like “remember that time when”, your partner will be able to hear you better. Remember, don’t attach and get all wedded to what you’re saying or what your partner is saying. Make sure that you have time to give each other undivided attention. This conversation can even happen during date night and should be in the context of a connecting moment. You have to be intentional about it. Make sure you get cozy and really and truly connect.
Conversation 2: Finding Your Raw Spots
The second type of conversation you and your partner should have is one where you’re entering into a space of vulnerability and exploring what the unmet needs are. You are actually looking for those raw spots within you, where you actually feel vulnerable and exposed. You want to share with your partner what they can do to help validate you.
The truth is, everyone wants to be validated and understood. Your partner wants to know you are willing to step into a space of vulnerability so that they can be your support system. Validation is critical to exploring the raw spots. Keep in mind the example used in the video. The wife came up in a home where women didn’t make the decisions, men did. She brought the need to be heard into her marriage. It was important for her to remind everyone that she had an opinion. If her husband doesn’t know that, she may be getting triggered left and right. Her unmet need is to be heard and respected. It’s crucial that her husband knows this so he can support her in making sure she is an equal partner with decisions.
Conversation 3: Hold Me Tight
Hold me tight is the third type of conversation you and your partner should have. Usually, the message you give to your partner is the exact opposite of what you’re actually saying. You may be saying leave me alone, but what you really want to say is “hold me tight”. It’s important to recognize because it challenges you to really be thoughtful about how you’re going to increase your accessibility and engagement with your spouse. Find some time to connect with one another, get close and touch. One great way to increase your accessibility is to eliminate the “onesies” and make some electronic free zones in your home. Eliminate the things that prevent you from being available to connect with your partner. You have to be intentional in the way you tell your partner you want them to hold you tight. Also, be sure to hold each other accountable.
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Conversation 4: Forgiving Injuries
The fourth relationship enhancing conversation is healing hurts and forgiveness. You may still be holding on to something and not forgiving your spouse and it’s affecting your relationship. Forgiveness doesn’t usually happen because there isn’t any intention behind it. The number one way to heal a hurt is to forgive whoever wronged you. Be intentional and have this conversation with your partner. Remember, it’s not healthy to keep holding on to things. You must work toward healing those hurts.
About the Authors: Ayize and Aiyana Ma’at, Founders of Be Intentional and Creators of Blackloveandmarriage.com. Website: www.blackloveandmarriage.com Email: info@bintentional.com