Most couples enter marriage with a false sense of security. They believe that love will fill all of their empty spaces, erase negative emotions, make their mate telepathic, and protect them from hurt. Simply put, most couples enter marriage believing that love will conquer all. Most newlyweds are rendered temporarily blind by the euphoria of love and starting a new life together. They become so enamored with the feeling of love, that they forget to set the foundation for their marriage. There are things that all married couples must openly and honestly discuss in order to have a chance at having a healthy thriving relationship.
First, you are married to an individual.
Couples must recognize and understand that they are married to an individual that has completely different thoughts, feelings, desires, and fears that are separate from their own. They must remember that their mate was not placed in their lives to rescue them, fix them, or make them whole. They must acknowledge that their mates are not obligated in any way to be in a committed relationship with them, but instead have consciously chosen to do so.
They must understand that their mate was placed in their lives to be a part of their journey and to add to their already existing happiness. Accepting these realities will help to shift your focus and open you up to loving fearlessly and selflessly. This results in you more often considering your mate’s needs rather than having unrealistic and unhealthy expectations that their sole purpose is to fulfill yours. Realizing that you “get to” have the privilege and honor of loving another individual creates a new level of respect for your mate and the relationship.
Second, couples should create both a vision and mission statement for their relationship.
This will help to lay the foundation for how your relationship will be governed. These statements should include your core beliefs and values as a couple. Couples should establish individual and collective goals that align with the vision and mission statements. Additionally, couples should establish quarterly performance reviews to evaluate their performance as a wife, husband, and parent, readjust goals as necessary, and recommit to honoring their family’s vision and mission.
Third, you must throw good old convention right in the trash.
Just because your old family model, society, and friends have defined role responsibilities for men and women does not mean those roles will work within the confines of your relationship. Couples should have honest conversation about the responsibilities they feel they are best suited to assume in the relationship. If he is a better cook and really likes to cook and she can’t boil water; buck the system and assign him the role of family cook. While growing up, he lived in the city and never had to mow a lawn. Conversely, she grew up on a farm plowing fields, planting gardens, and mowing lawns. Well, it makes perfect sense that as a couple you designate her to be the family’s chief yard engineer.
Let her crank the mower and cut the grass for goodness sakes. Whoever is most responsible and accountable with money should handle the finances. If it makes more sense in your family for him to be a stay-at-home dad, then check your ego and allow her to be the sole bread winner. Life is fluid and family dynamics are changing, find what works best for your relationship and do that.
Fourth, discuss the impact of external influences on your marriage.
How much will you allow external influences to impose on and impact your marriage? Information needs to be disclosed about parents, siblings, children, and friends that you support financially. You should also discuss how much debt you are bringing into the relationship as well as your expectations on how your debt will factor into the combined family budget. It’s important to discuss these things early on to prevent conflict later.
Remember that your mate didn’t create your debt or cause the circumstances that left you the caretaker for your family member. Therefore, you must respect and listen to their concerns about how these things will impact their financial future. Make an earnest effort to put yourself in their shoes to understand their feelings, fears, and concerns when working to devise a plan of action.
Last but certainly not least, incorporate time to individually refresh and stay connected as a couple.
It is important that each person be allowed some alone time. This means working out a schedule that allow each of you to engage in a hobby, spend time with friends, or simply time to take a long bath and read a book. This will do wonders for your relationship. You should also plan time daily to connect with each other without children, television, cellphones, or laptops. You need time to unplug from the world and plug into each other.
This will ensure that you give one another the time needed to maintain a healthy intimate relationship. You must also make it a point to schedule date nights and small getaways. Even if your budget only allows you to send the kids and the pets to granny’s house for the weekend, use that time to stay at home and enjoy each other. Staying connected is absolutely vital to the success of a relationship.
Doing these things will help to ensure that you are prepared to win in your marriage once the rose colored glasses of lust and new love have been removed.
BMWK, Are you willing to do all these things to make your marriage stronger?