A large part of what makes a marriage work is whether or not each person feels like his or her expectations are being met. Sure, it’s about love, honesty, respect, and all the other massively important issues—but expectations are a huge piece of the puzzle, too.
So what happens when the expectations you have of each other are not in alignment? Well, it doesn’t mean that the marriage is destined to fail. It does, however, mean that both parties need to have a meaningful discussion about what the other expects and whether or not those expectations are reasonable.
You see, when you have a set of expectations for someone you love and those (reasonable or unreasonable) expectations are not being met, you feel disappointed in the other person. Over time, disappointment leads to frustration and frustration leads to resentment or anger.
At the core of this issue of unmet expectations is how well the couple communicates. People make assumptions in relationship A LOT.
If he loves me, he will do this? If she understood the kind of day I had she would do that? If he knew how I felt inside, he would never say something like that?
When you rely on assumptions and never have clear discussions about what each person needs, as well as what each person can give, your relationship ends up in the land of unmet expectations, and you end up too frustrated to articulate how you feel without an attitude (and no one wants to deal with your attitude).
And although women tend to get props for being the better communicators in relationships, that isn’t always the case. Women can have a pretty hard time telling their spouses what they want, what they need, what they can do, and what they can’t. We don’t always know how to tell our husbands what we expect or how we feel about what they expect from us.
Related: 5 easy communication tips to help keep the peace in your marriage
So husbands (yes, even the amazing husbands), if you feel like your wife is walking around with an attitude that you can’t explain, it might be because your expectations of each other are not in alignment, and maybe you are expecting way too much from her. Yes, we are strong. But our strength doesn’t make us superhuman. Under all of it is someone who needs you to understand who she is, what she can do, and when she has reached her limit.
Here are 6 signs that you might be expecting too much from your wife. Ladies and men, if these ring true for you, have a talk with your spouse (minus the attitude) and see if you can open up the lines of communication and end up on the same page.
You want the house spotless all the time
That’s a nice desire to have because I want my house spotless all the time too. But when you have (messy) children and multiple responsibilities to manage, keeping a home super clean can’t always happen. It’s even more unreasonable to expect if you’re not helping her with the cleaning.
Your wife doesn’t want to live in a messy home, but after ripping and running for 16-18 hours some days, sleep trumps cleaning. Offer her some more help, or you can both have a discussion about increasing your earnings so you can hire someone to step in and help.
You want to relax after work even though the kids need help and she’s worked all day, too
I’ve heard this too many times from too many wives and it has to stop. First, let me say that this is not about bashing men because I know a ton of incredible guys out there who love their wives to pieces and my husband is one of them.
However, some of these wonderful guys come home from a long day of work (just like their wives), but decide they need to lie down because of a headache or “use the bathroom” for almost an hour with the door locked.
Guess what, though? Your wife is tired, too. So although relaxing after a long and stressful day is a reasonable desire, it’s not a reasonable thing to do. Help your wife manage the evening routine as much as possible. This can only make your relationship stronger.
You want sex multiple times a day, every day.
Unless you have a life that requires both of you to do very little work to earn money, I don’t see how anyone can reasonably expect nonstop sex when you have careers to manage, a home to care for, and children who need your attention.
Related: Geez…My mate wants to have sex again!! How to overcome barriers to intimacy.
It’s reasonable to want more sex because some couples are in sexless marriages and that’s definitely not okay. But constant sex? That’s a bit much. Have a conversation with your wife about things that can happen to help you both have a happier, healthier sex life.
She plans everything because that’s her thing.
I don’t know your wife, so maybe—just maybe—she actually is a control freak and wants to plan everything. But most women I know, even those of us who like to plan, would really like our husbands to grab the wheel sometimes.
- Does your wife plan very family trip?
- Is she always the one mapping things out for the holidays?
- Does she always have to pick a date and hire a babysitter so you can have a date night?
Maybe you can do more. Even if planning a weeklong family trip is a stretch for you, start with something small. You can’t expect her to always take the lead.
You rarely express appreciation and gratitude
Your wife needs to know that you love her, you appreciate her, and you are grateful for all that she does. When you expect anyone to just keep giving without ever being filled up with gratitude, it’s really unreasonable. Show her what she means, and just by doing that you can lighten her load.
You never encourage her to take a break
One of the toughest things for a busy mom and wife to do is stop and take a break. Even if she knows she needs it, she sometimes needs a little nudge. As a husband, your job is to be her encourager.
Don’t just sit back and watch her run herself into the ground. You are her protector, even if that means protecting her from herself. Encourage her to take a break when she needs it. Not only does she benefit, but so does your marriage and your family.
BMWK ladies, do you think your husband expects too much from you sometimes?