Are you content in your marriage but think there are ways you could be even happier?
Sometimes, couples feel as though they should just settle in their marriage because this might be as good as it gets. The relationship may feel good, but it’s not great. I’m here to inform you that you, too, can have a great marriage, just like all the other happy couples you may see and wonder about.
The areas of your marriage needing improvement may seem insignificant at times, but if it bothers you even a little bit, it could potentially disrupt your marriage.
You may be thinking, “if only he would communicate with me a little bit more”, or “if she would just be more excited about having sex with me, this marriage would be great”.
Instead of scratching your head and wondering how to get the happiness in your marriage you desire, why not try this simple approach.
First, know what you want and understand why you want it.
- Does it empower you?
- Does it fill a need?
- Does it satisfy an urge?
- Will it fill a void?
- Did someone promise it to you before and you never received “it”?
Determining how having more of what you want benefits you and enhances your marriage is key. Understanding yourself, why you do the things you do, and why you want the things you want has to happen first.
If you don’t have a clear understanding, neither will your partner.
Next, you have to prepare to ask for it.
Think about the conversation in your head prior to actually having it. Let’s think a little bit about the dialogue.
Every difficult conversation should be entered with the end result in mind.
If we want our partner to fulfill our request we probably shouldn’t approach them in an accusatory manner. We also shouldn’t make assumptions that they already know what we need.
Consider their communication style, prepare to listen, speak clearly and stay on topic when making your requests. Here are a few examples of what can be said:
“Baby, I love you and I need you. I want this relationship to be the absolute best for both of us. There is something I need in this marriage that I am not getting as often as I would like, and that is_____, and I need it because __________”.
Or
“Sweetie, ______ makes me feel good because _________ and I actually need it to happen more often in our relationship.”
Remember to use “I” statements. This conversation is about your needs and not about pointing fingers and blaming your spouse.
Part of the reason we don’t get our needs met in our marriages is because we don’t know how to properly ask for them.
Finally, after you’ve prepared this conversation mentally, approach your spouse and ask for it. Find the right time to have this conversation and go for it.
Avoid those moments when your spouse is in a mood or when you aren’t quite ready.
Also, remind your partner that you are willing to be patient and to support them as they make sure your needs are being met. Close the conversation strong by making sure there are some concrete next steps for both you and your partner.
In making your request, it’s also important to make sure your spouse is clear on what you’re asking for. Ask if they need any clarifications or if they have any questions. Pause the conversation if you feel like it’s going to a negative place, and pick it up again when you both are really ready.
Now, here’s the last and most important piece of getting what you want in your marriage, you have to be willing to do the exact same for your spouse.
BMWK, how do you get what you want in your marriage?