By Lisa D. Daniels
More often than not the best way to find something you’ve lost is to retrace your steps and that is exactly what happened to me.
Since I could remember, I was would shy away from speaking up for myself—whether in confrontation or just to assert my desires. I have needed to have a difficult conversation with a friend very near and dear to my heart for a while now. This person has crossed boundaries in our relationship, yet instead of openly communicating my true feelings, each time I have made adjustments by meekly narrowing the boundary line. This way no one gets hurt and no waves are made–no big deal right?
But yesterday, I had to ask myself, “why am I so uncomfortable in my own skin and what makes me so afraid to use my voice?.”
I decided I had to retrace my steps to find my voice.
I didn’t have a voice.
Taking a retrospective look over my adult years, I realized that I have remained silent through many incidents that required me to speak. Therefore, if I am going to use my voice to speak my heart, I must find my voice. And the only way (or the best way) to do this is determine where I was when I last had my voice.
I began to retrace my steps, stopping for a moment in my 30s and couldn’t find it there. I went back a little further into my 20s and was unsuccessful there as well—my voice was already long gone. Then it came to me – exactly where I left my voice.
As I searched just a little further into my teen years (14 years old to be exact), there it was neatly tucked away in a corner of a room. I remember vividly sitting in my mother’s bedroom with adults I believed I could trust. Moreover, who I believed would protect me. I shared my experiences of being manipulated and coerced into a sexual relationship by “a close friend of the family.” After sharing that experience (which I had kept inside for the past two years), I was advised to recant my truth or the world would know what happened to me.
The adults that I entrusted with my secret advised me that if I was willing to move forward with this horrible accusation that they must do what is necessary to “protect” me. Therefore, the police and newspaper would need to be contacted and of course that would mean that all of my friends and teachers would be made aware—not to mention social services would come and remove my brother and I from our home. After being notified of all of the “necessary” steps to take in moving forward, I was given one last opportunity to confirm if I was “sure” that what I said happened actually happened. I recanted and for the next thirty-four years, I was silenced.
It was not until two weeks ago that I realized the importance of speaking the truth boldly and lovingly. There are people in my life (our lives) whose growth is contingent upon me being confidently aware of my right standing in God. Therefore, I prayed and asked the Lord to speak through me. I reminded myself that I have not been given the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind and if I was ever going to confront my friend, I would need the power to boldly speak what love would say and a sound mind to clearly articulate every word.
Ask God, who gives to all freely, to help you find that which was lost in your youth. Then use it to glorify the kingdom.
BMWK, did you lose something—i.e. your voice, your confidence or control—in your past? And where did find it?
Lisa D. Daniels is a writer living in Chicago. Daniels writes an inspirational blog, which shares messages based on life experience interwoven with scriptural validity with all whom desire to see God’s love in “real life”.