Years ago, my husband and I were dealing with a painful loss; we each managed that pain differently. I needed him more than usual while he needed space and time to work through his feelings. That was a very lonely time for me. It was so hard, but we worked through it. We came out stronger on the other side.
Most people get married for companionship, but what happens when things change and the connection fades? After all, being married doesn’t permanently shield us from ever feeling lonely. Whatever the root cause, loneliness hurts—a lot. Maybe, like in my situation, your spouse is dealing with his own pain, and he feels the need to pull away to manage it. Maybe your heart has been broken as the result of deception and you feel like the connection you once had is lost. Or you could be married to someone who works far too many hours and you feel like he’s more committed to his career than to you.
Whatever the root cause, loneliness hurts—a lot.
But should you just accept loneliness as the new norm for your relationship? Shouldn’t every effort be made to try and return to what was—or maybe even something better than what was? Don’t settle for loneliness. Here are three tips that can help you cope when you’re married but still find yourself in a very lonely place.
Connect with Friends
So many of us suffer in silence, afraid to tell family and friends about our struggles. The problem is, no good comes from dealing with any challenge alone. That’s not what God intended. We have to find the courage to seek support when we need it most. And even if you are uncomfortable telling your friends the details of your marital problems, you can still make it your business to spend more quality time with them. By avoiding that time to bond, you are making a lonely time in your life even lonelier.
Additionally, having joyful moments outside the home will make you a happier person at home. And happiness is contagious. When your spouse senses your mood has switched form downtrodden to upbeat, he or she may be intrigued or even magnetized to that happiness.
Seek Individual Counseling
If you have suggested marital counseling and your spouse just doesn’t seem ready, maybe you should consider individual counseling. From my experience, many people can benefit from some counseling. Whether your issues are deep or you feel confused about what’s even going on, taking the time to work through how you feel will certainly help. Make self-improvement a priority.
If there is anything life has taught me, it’s that we cannot control or change other people. We have to focus on improving ourselves. Self-improvement doesn’t necessarily take away the loneliness but it does give you something positive to focus on and that can improve your confidence and make the loneliness a lot easier to cope with. That confidence can also give you the courage to pursue experiences that can make life more enjoyable.
And again, your mate may be the first person to notice a change in your confidence and will perhaps want to take more time to get to know this new, confident you.
Express How You Feel without Pointing Fingers
It’s possible that your spouse doesn’t even realize how you feel. Maybe it’s been going on for so long, he or she thinks it’s the norm. Or maybe your mate feels lonely, too, and just doesn’t know what to do. Express how you feel, but do it without pointing any fingers. This is a chance for you to be vulnerable and express your pain. I can’t promise your mate will respond in a way that pleases you, but I do believe you will feel better knowing that you shared how you feel about your marriage and its current state. Letting it off of your chest will help you cope.
BMWK: What are things you’ve done to cope with loneliness in your marriage?