It is an agreed fact that 100% of married couples find themselves disagreeing about an issue at some point. There is nothing wrong with conflict because according to Dr. Gary Smalley, conflict is a normal part of any relationship, the key is to learn how to resolve them without emotional injury.”
When my wife and I began to encounter our first round of conflict during the beginning of our marriage, I immediately learned that the true test of resolving without hurting our relationship wasn’t while we were in the “conflict ring”, but how we prepared outside of the “conflict ring.”
Before an argument or issue arose we discussed, determined, and prepared how we would resolve the conflict with the end result being us learning more about one another versus destroying one another. I call it, preparation while sober.
We came to an agreement of the things we didn’t want to see happen as a result of conflict. I learned my wife hates the silent treatment, and being made to look like the bad person. She learned that I don’t like destructive words, yelling, or attempting to push the issue under the rug.
Discussing these things while emotionally sober helped us to have an expectation and an agreed understanding of how to guard one another during conflict without hurting each other.
Now, how does that play out when the heat is on, emotions are high, and someone is upset in your marriage? You better believe it took many “practice” rounds for my wife and I, until we learned that we must play by the rules.
Here are 3 Ways to prepare for conflict so you’ll never have to sleep on the couch.
1. Find out what hurts each other the most during times of conflict.
We are all created differently, which means different things will affect us at different levels. By sitting down with your spouse and learning how conflict affects them, and what hurts them the most will help you to know what not to do during moments of conflict.
2. Come to an agreement of what you will not do during times of conflict.
You need to create a “win-win” for your times of conflict by establishing agreements. It is these agreements that will help you fight fair. For my wife and I we have an agreement that no matter what, we will never separate ourselves at night due to an disagreement. I also agreed to never raise my voice or hand at her no matter the situation. What are some agreements you and your spouse can establish to ensure you fight fair?
3. Don’t forget you’re on the same team.
When you enter into a time of conflict, you must not forget your not fighting each other. Your fighting the issue that’s trying to come between you. You and your spouse are on the same team even, though you may feel at times that your spouse is against you. Do not allow pride to get into your heart causing you to view your spouse as your enemy. You’re on the same team! Fight the good fight!
Now, you may be reading this and you and your spouse are right in the middle of an unresolved conflict that’s now causing emotional strain upon your marriage. I encourage you to seek outside help from a counselor or pastor. Don’t wait for one of you to give in, but agree that peace in your home is much more valuable than waiting to prove someone wrong. Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”
BMWK, Do you let the sun go down on your arguments?