She went from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds and I’m stuck sitting there trying to figure out where in the hell all of this came from! Okay, I’ll come back to that later but first let’s talk about this concept.
“It’s crazy sometimes how much men and women want and need each other, yet won’t take time to seek to understand one another!” It’s almost like men, women, husbands and wives would rather blame one another than to attempt to understand one another. Many of us spend more time in our relationships trying to persuade our mates to be more like us, than just learning each other’s strengths and weaknesses and then synergistically coming together.
What’s even more amazing about this, is that many of us make our living as managers, entrepreneurs, people in ministry, coaches, teachers, and all of these other PEOPLE businesses where daily we seek to understand the customer, student, congregation… yet won’t give our mates that same luxury. We get so busy trying to stay in tune with everyone else, but the person who is supposed to be closest to us.
Here are a few areas in which your mate might need a little more understanding from you:
1) Sex
How many couples are out there are sexually frustrated with one another not because either party isn’t CAPABLE of satisfying the other but because they haven’t taken time to try and understand what the other needs.
What he or she needed sexually in the first season of the relationship might have changed but you’re still holding them to a previous standard because you haven’t checked in long enough to assess the needs. Back then she needed rough and fast but now she wants it slow and intimate, but you haven’t caught the hint, and she hasn’t offered you the information, and now everybody is just sexually frustrated. CHECK BACK IN!
2) Family Dynamics
She used to be okay with you going to work, providing, coming home and eating your dinner, watching the game then going to bed. She was okay with that and so were you. Well, that was until her job became more demanding… and y’all had another baby… and now her needs have changed.
In your mind everything is okay because she hasn’t said anything and you are doing things the way you always have. Well, suddenly she is more and more passive aggressive, not as affectionate, and short tempered. Well, she probably feels both frustrated and overwhelmed with all that she has to do. You might understand this and take some of the load off of her shoulders, but you honestly had no clue this is what has been bothering her. Neither one of you have checked in and so the distance between you grows. Time to reconnect, so CHECK IN!
3) Finances
You used to be spend pretty freely; as long as the bills were paid then it was all good. Well, suddenly now every time you buy something he has something smart to say about your purchase. “Another pair of shoes huh?” he says and you laugh it off because your shoe shopping fetish shouldn’t be a surprise to him by now.
Well, what you didn’t know is that now he is getting older and closer to retirement and he’s starting to feel insecure about not having enough money to retire. He’s worried about having money for the kids’ college funds and your shoes are stopping that progress and he doesn’t feel understood. Time to go back and CHECK IN!
4) Pregnancy
Okay remember I told you that my wife went from 0-100 on me? Well, while I believe that a part of that was hormones, I realized a big part of that was she wasn’t feeling understood. I didn’t understand what she was going through and the changes she was undergoing and it all hit the fan when I just wasn’t moving fast enough to get our nursery done. She was feeling anxious but I hadn’t checked in enough to know that. She went from 0-100 about a nursery but the nursery was just a result of the breakdown in communication. It was time for me to CHECK IN!
At the core of every person, is the desire to be understood and when we don’t feel understood then resentment and defensiveness rear their ugly head. The next thing you know we are fussing, fighting, or even worse: divorcing. The truth of the matter is that YOU aren’t perfect and neither is your MATE. With that being said, occasionally step outside of yourself and just CHECK IN. I’m a firm believer that you should have weekly or monthly check in sessions with your mate, so that no one gets left behind, or left out of the loop.
BMWK, How often do you check in with your mate currently?