By Tara Pringle Jefferson
This weekend, in honor of Sweetest Day (yes, Lamar, I’m fully aware that is a country, Midwestern holiday and no one else outside of my neck of the woods – or at least the Great Lakes – even knows what it is…lol), my husband and I went to a local restaurant to celebrate.
After we took our seats in the waiting area, a hoard of high school kids, dressed up in their homecoming outfits, poured in. The girls shivered in their pretty-but-too-skimpy-for-mid-October dresses, while the guys all sported facial expressions that were a mix of pure nervousness and forced bravado. With no parents or chaperones in sight, they looked like they were too pumped to be enjoying their night of double-, triple-dating.
With nothing else to do as we waited for a table, I watched as I saw one guy hesitate and contemplate sliding his arm around his date’s shoulder, but every time she looked toward him, he chickened out. I saw another guy offer up his tuxedo jacket to his date with the strapless dress and she gave him a smile that probably made his whole night. The homecoming queen came with them – I knew she was the homecoming queen because, besides the crown on her head, her date kept shouting out, “Hey, the homecoming queen is in the house! We need your best table! Doesn’t she look beautiful tonight?”
As I looked at these kids and their uncertainty and had to smile. I remember having those butterflies when I first started dating – wondering, “What should I order? I can’t order chicken wings – too messy. What about Alfredo? Nah, I’ll have the itis and my breath will stink…”
Now, I’m comfortable. If I want to kiss my husband at the end of the date, I kiss him. If I want to hold his hand, I reach out and grab it. If I want us to go out to dinner, I toss on my coat and tell him to hop in the car.
I’m glad we’re past that awkward “getting to know you” stage, but as I looked at those high school kids with their pimples and dimples, it reminded me to never let go of those butterflies. To never take for granted that he is mine and I am his.
BMWK family, do you remember the awkward stage or are you still in it? What still gives you the butterflies?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She writes at https://theyoungmommylife.com, where she discusses the realities of being a 20something mom.
we’re way past the awkward stage. When we were just dating casually, it didn’t take long to get comfortable. We fell into one another’s zone comfort easily. That’s part of why I love him so much–he is the first man I’ve felt like I could just let loose with. I love being able to just be with my husband. I made sure that I made him a card for Sweetest Day. (Yeah, I’m a midwestern girl, too.) We didn’t get to go out because he wasn’t able to be home that day. I made sure I told and showed him how much me meant to me, though 😉
Lamar did not get me anything for sweetest day :-(. I think we should adopt that day on the east coast….just kidding. We are definitely comfortable with each other. But I still look forward to going out with him and when we do go out, I still want to look nice for him and I still get excited that we have a date..etc…
LOL Ronnie, Sweetest Day is supposed to be more for the men like Valentine’s day is considered the day for women holiday–well, that’s the way it is around here.
@Mrs. CJ – Yeah it’s supposed to be for the men (at least that’s how I celebrate it). So I don’t understand why Lamar is always clowning on my holiday! LOL.
We are past the awkward stage but what gives me butterflies is when my hubby stares into my eyes. (He is oh so gorgeous, LOL at least to me anyway!) When he stares at me, it lets me know that he is happy that I am his and that he loves me a whole bunch. I could never live without this man.
Sweetest Day is for the man to get a gift for a special(man made up day)LOL. Vs Valentines Day where the man caters to the wife/woman, proposes to her or just takes her out to dinner on his dime. Being married I think I appreciate Sweetest Day and Valentines day more than Christmas. I know what Christmas Day is and it is so commerical that I no longer have little ones and the thrill is gone. Right after the back to school sales and even before Halloweeen gets here we see Christmas trees and all the decorations. I still get butterflies after all these years of being with my hubby. Question is ” Do men get butterflies or a barf reflex”? LOL. No man commented.
Hi guys I love to read your comments. I am from the Caribbean. We don’t have “Sweetest Days” we have hot days (LOL). I am going through the phase in my marriage when the realities of life are hitting in hard and I am asking my self what I am doing here. Mind you I don’t hate my wife but I am not in love with her. I love her and care about her but the butterflies are gone (long gone). I am asking myself what do I do. And no I am not seeing anyone else nor do I intend to, I am just not happy. Experts I need som urgent advice. Thanks love all of you. Bye.
Hi, Joshua! I am by far not an “expert” at marriage. I’ve only been married 5 years myself, so all I can give you is what I’ve learned over the years. But in order to do that, I have a few questions:
1. How long have you been married?
2. What are “the realities of life?” Is it money? Are you not physically attracted anymore? Do you have children, and if so, do you feel they get more attention than you do?
3. What is “happy” to you?
4. There’s a book called the 5 Love Languages that changed my life and the way I look at marriage. The languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, giving of gifts and quality time.
a. Out of those, which do you think your primary language would be, and is that need being met in your marriage?
b. Out of those, which do you think is your wife’s? We all speak different languages, and if she doesn’t respond to your attempts to love her, perhaps you’re trying to love her in YOUR language, not hers…and the same vice versa
5. Have you given up on the possibility of the butterflies returning?
Hi Harriet,
I have been married one year and two months.
We have one child, she is approximately seven months. I really did not want kids just as yet and I communicated that very clearly. I was hoping to start having kids in about 5 years. I have grown to love the little bundle of joy. She melts my heart each time she smiles.
When I met my wife she was just the person I could see myself getting old with. She was a beautiful black woman who loved life. Loved to share. Loved the troubled kids she worked with. Liked my family a real close version to Mary Poppins. Then little by little the reality came in that she was none of the above. The initial discussions that we had in our realtionship were lies, all of it.
Every day I have to deal with people who may lie for one reason or the other to get ahead. I really wanted someone I could trust and be real with.
I have forgiven my wife, it was a long and hard process but God was in it. However, I am not in love. I love and care about her because I have given my vows and I have a kid with her.
Harriet to me “happy” is the feeling of excitement and joy you get when you remember your spouse or peace that you feel knowing that the both of you together could take on the world, and your love makes the world a better place.
I am not familiar with the book but I am going to look for it.
I have not given up hope on the “butterflies” returning that’s why I am turning to you guys who have gone before me.
I am not sure if my marriage is supposed to be like this. It feels like a sentance and I don’t like it. So any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks and Bye.
PS. Sorry for the long write up but I need help.
When is sweetest day? Is that something besides valentine’s day?
My husband just explained to me that sweetest day is a midwest thing (I’m originally from Texas and just moved up here with him to Chicago). I swear I’d never heard of it. And I definitely didn’t know it was for the men. I’ll have to pass that message along to my sister in law. LOL
My husband and I went to the little bar where we had our first date not too long ago and while we were there I remembered the first date and how nervous I was to reach across the table and hold his hand. I wanted him to know that I liked him but I had all those nervous thoughts of “what if he doesn’t like me back?” or “what if I’m moving too fast?” LOL Like someone else mentioned….now I just grab his hand and hold it. LOL
Joshua,
I can’t say I’m equipped to deal with your situation too well…feeling like a spouse is dishonest is a foreign concept to me.
But I do have more questions. Did your viewpoint of your wife change when she got pregnant? What were the circumstances behind her getting pregnant? Did she stop her birth control without telling you, did she poke a hole in a condom, or did it honestly “just happen?” (my mom had an IUD and was on birth control AND my dad used a condom…yet here I am, live and direct).
If dishonesty was involved in her getting pregnant, did that cause your love for her to disintegrate? I’m asking because it’s possible you’ve colored EVERYTHING ELSE she has done through the eyes of one mistake. That’s not really fair. If she used manipulation to get pregnant, I’m not justifying that. You’re entitled to your feelings. But your wife is not her last act of selfishness/mistrust.
If you’ve been married 14 months, and your daughter is 7 months, it stands to reason that your wife was pregnant long before you got married (unless your daughter was premature). Did you get married because she was pregnant?
Have you communicated your feelings to your wife? What was her response/reaction? If you haven’t communicated, why not?
I can’t really go further until you answer some of those questions. But let me give you something I learned in my marriage. When I married my husband, I saw him not only for who he was at the time, but for who he had the potential of becoming. Both were very endearing to me. However, I forgot that on the way to reaching potential, the process can look like a nightmare, and mistakes/failures will happen.
When this took place in my marriage, I was very disillusioned. I felt like I had made the wrong decision, but was trapped by it because I didn’t want to become a statistic. When I communicated that to my husband, we sought counsel and instead of fighting one another, we fought to keep our marriage alive. I can honestly say that now, every day is sweeter than the day before. But that wasn’t the case three years ago.