The types of people I normally appreciate are those who easily give but also quickly shy away from the limelight. These individuals don’t require praise or the fanfare. They do what they do because they want to, not because of the reward or acknowledgement that might follow. One of my church members is this kind of person. I adore her because we never hear her complain about what others aren’t doing. She is constantly giving and doing without regard to who else does what. I also admire when couples are able to make this concept a constant theme in their marriage.
What makes for a healthy commitment is when those couples are committed to taking care of their half of the relationship only. When they come to a place where giving is the one goal, the marriage suddenly takes on a whole new positive shift. However, just the opposite occurs when the only reason we do something is for what we’re going to receive in return. If that ever becomes the case, we may as well not give or expect any good results.
Some couples struggle in this area because they are keeping track of who does what. The idea behind this is clear; no one wants to be taken advantage of. But thinking of not trying any harder or giving any more than the other person simply doesn’t work. Marriages operate so much better when we aren’t tied to results. When I do something for my husband, it shouldn’t be because I want the same thing in return. I should do it only because I love him and desire to see him happy.
A couple of the areas where this idea presents the biggest problem are the following:
Intimacy
Many couples have yet to master the concept of unconditional giving in the intimacy department. There are couples who are guilty of withholding sex or using it as a reward or lack of it as a punishment. Thinking sex should be tied to something in a marriage is damaging. A couple’s intimacy is sacred and it should always be because each partner wants to please the other, not because it’s a payback.
Daily Housework
Often times there are usually lessons to be learned in this area. One spouse leaves socks on the bathroom floor, so the other also leaves them with the hopes of teaching the first spouse a lesson. Both partners could use a lesson if this is the case. Instead of tit for tat, whatever happened to good old fashion communication? Sharing with our spouse why the socks on the floor is a problem makes a huge difference.
Keeping tabs on what we’re giving or doing and what our partner isn’t is a huge mistake. One of my favorite relationship books “The Mastery of Love” touches on this very idea. It highlights how we are only responsible for our half of the relationship. If we focus on this theory, our reward easily becomes a happy marriage.