by Harriet Hairston
With the divorce rates in the United States at an all time high, it’s safe to say that some couples find any old excuse to get divorced, from irreconcilable differences to infidelity. Because everyone else seems to be doing it, from our neighbors to celebrities, sometimes it gets easier to drink the kool-aid and give up on marriage instead of staying put and fighting for the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. Barring abuse, child endangerment or illegal activities, there are very few legitimate reasons for giving up on it all. Nevertheless, I will not negate the fact that every marriage has its own heartbeat, and the only people who know how much they can take are the ones within that marriage.
I came across an article on a family and marriage website that outlined ten lies (kool-aid) that–if believed–could lead to divorce. The five BIG ONES I hear all the time are below:
Marriage is just a contract. If that were the case, then it would be much easier and less painful to break. It’s not a business deal or relationship. It’s a promise to be with one another until death, with children to raise, families to unite, challenges to overcome and victories to win. It’s not just a “piece of paper.”
“I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you anymore.” Exactly what does that mean? I know television, music and movies portray love as this fiery, passionate, sexual emotion and feeling that makes you lose control. But guess what? Love is a VERB, not a noun, and it requires action and choices that will keep you and your spouse together. Sure, y’all may get on each other’s nerves from time to time. You may not agree all the time, and you may have some fundamental differences. But it’s nothing that cannot be overcome with some solid communication and the choice to love one another NO MATTER WHAT!
She won’t submit/He won’t lead. For those in Christian circles, submission has become a curse word to many women. Prison bars and striped uniforms stomp around in the heads of strong, independent, career minded women. Some Christian men beat that perception across women’s heads by asserting, “I’m the head, and you do what I say.” Let the record show that submission regarding the biblical pattern of marriage is MUTUAL, and when done God’s way, it not only creates interdependence, but also alignment in a marriage. But it cannot be forced or faked.
We discussed this one to some extent last week: “I married YOU, not your family!” That cup of kool aid is as old as time, and although in-law issues and extra children challenges can be daunting, again, with COMMUNICATION, they can be overcome.
Finally, “My spouse cheated on me…it’s OVER!” This may very well be a showstopper for many. Thankfully, I’ve never had to cross this bridge, but I think if I were to drink the kool aid, this is the only flavor that could potentially make me give up on my marriage. Nevertheless, there are plenty of marriages that have overcome adultery, and although the process of healing, forgiving and trusting again was arduous, I’ve observed that their marriages are even better than they were prior to the adultery. It just takes time.
What kinds of kool aid have you notice being served to encourage people to give up on their marriages too soon, BMWK? How do you shield your marriage against its stain?
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” You can purchase her first book, “Who Are You?” simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.