by Tara Pringle Jefferson
It’s hard to think of anyone who is an undeniable expert on marriage, but Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the The Five Love Languages (and countless others), comes close. He’s not only an expert on marriage, but he’s an expert on love. Dr. Chapman recently sat down with me to discuss what matters most in a marriage and how you can improve your relationship, even if the other party doesn’t.
BWMK: In your book, you mention how many couples have different love languages. What advice do you give to couples that have a hard time expressing love in their partner’s love language, or complain that it doesn’t feel natural?
Dr. Chapman: It’s going to be true for a lot of people. Most of us didn’t grow up speaking all five languages. We grew up speaking maybe one or two. So there will be learning curve for most people. Say your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation, but you didn’t grow up in a household like that. That’s fine. Start where you are. You can learn. Write down some sentences that you’ve heard other people say in the movies or magazines. Read them aloud. Pick out one and walk in the room where your spouse is and say it. Then you can run. *laughs* But you’re broken the silence. Keep doing it. Each time you do it, it will become more and more natural to you. We have to be realistic. Put the effort into it.
BMWK: Have you found any ethnic, racial, or cultural differences in love language preference?
Dr. Chapman: I have a background in cultural anthropology but I haven’t done any specific research on this topic, although I think it would be interesting to do the research. The 5 Love Languages book has been translated into many languages around the world. When I got the first request to translate it into Spanish, I wasn’t sure if what I wrote would translate. I wrote it based on experiences in middle America. But they liked what they read and translated it, and it became a best-seller. It has become a best-seller in every country it’s been published in. It seems to say that these five fundamentals transcend cultural boundaries. There might be different ways to express these love languages in different cultures, but for the most part, we’re more similar than we are different.
BMWK: Have you found that some women find it difficult to express love through acts of service, given their gains in employment/education and the skepticism some have about traditional family roles?
Dr. Chapman: I can understand that. Some women might feel like they shouldn’t have to wash the dishes, or vacuum the floor when they’ve been putting in the same effort at work. But when couples are sincere, and they really love each other, it is easier to make those choices. The very essence of love is serving the other person. Giving of yourself for their benefit. It might also be possible for men to feel that way. Some might feel, “Men don’t wash dishes or vacuum.” In marriage, sometimes we can’t always go with society or what our parents taught us. My wife’s love language is acts of service. I wash the dishes, I take the trash out and she’s a happy woman. It’s a matter of understanding how to communicate love ““ and then you do it.
BMWK: Do you feel most problems or issues in marriages can be solved or alleviated if both partners commit to sharing love in their partner’s preferred love language?
Dr. Chapman: All couples have conflicts, simply because we’re human. If they each feel loved, and secure in that love, it will be much easier to process those conflicts. They’ll be more likely to listen, hear each other out, search for solutions. If they don’t feel loved, they’re more likely to argue. Arguments typically go downhill and don’t solve anything. The five love languages are about creating a positive emotional climate.
BMWK: Do couples who speak the same love language tend to have better relationships?
Dr. Chapman: It should be easier to keep the emotional climate positive. The reality is ““ that doesn’t happen often. Most couples don’t have the same love language. We tend to speak our own language. If they have the same love language, they might have different dialects, or different ways to express that love language. Finding out what those are can enchance the relationship.
BMWK: One of the most common complaints we hear on the site is that efforts to improve the marriage or relationship are one-sided. In these situations, is it best for one spouse to simply take the lead in making improvements to the marriage or is it worth the extra effort to bring their spouse on board?
Dr. Chapman: Ideally, each of them would read the 5 Love Languages book, discuss the concept, determine their love language. But I know that doesn’t always happen.
So you {the person wanting to improve the relationship} take the concept, you try to figure out their love language, by observing their behavior, listening to their complaints. What do they request of you most often? Then start speaking it. Give them heavy doses. If you’re hitting the right love language, you’re going to notice a difference in their behavior.
After about six weeks, ask them, “On a scale of 0-10, how well do you think I’m doing as a wife/husband?” Let them give you a number. Then ask, “What could I do to improve?” If they give you a suggestion, do what they ask.
Then ask a month later, “On a scale of 0-10, how well do you think I’m doing as a wife/husband?” Once you get to a 8, 9, 10 ““ then you can make a request of them. Say, “You know what you would make me happy?” Then fill in the blank.
Once a month, you can make a request. You’re teaching them to speak your love language without them even realizing the concept or knowing what the love languages are.
BMWK: Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Some feel like it’s an amazing day to spotlight your love, others feel like it’s a sham and EVERY day should be Valentine’s Day. How do you feel about the day?
Dr. Chapman: I fall in both camps. I think it’s wonderful that for one day the whole culture focuses on love. I do wish we could focus on love every day. I believe love is the fundamental building block of a good family.
So make the most of the day. It should be easier if everyone else is doing it. I will add this – Don’t assume that whatever you typically do is the best expression of love. You might ask them, “If I really wanted to do something special for you, what would it be?” Then let them tell you. Go ahead and do what you’ve done traditionally, but make sure you’re speaking their language.
BMWK: Any new projects in the works?
Dr. Chapman: In September 2010, I wrote a book for singles, Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Got Married. In the book I discuss the 12 things I wish I’d known and would have made my marriage a lot easier. We had some rocky times in the beginning and this book will help other couples get over those roadblocks.
In August 2011, I’m releasing a book on the five languages of appreciation in the workplace with Dr. Paul White, psychologist. We’ve found that a lot of people don’t feel appreciated where they work. They’re less productive, and they don’t feel valued. We think this is going to have a huge impact on the workplace.
BMWK family – have you read The Five Love Languages? How has the book helped you?