by Aja Dorsey Jackson
This week, a study was released stating that children of lesbian couples were better off than those of straight couples. The study was funded by several gay advocacy groups and tracked 78 women who became pregnant through artificial insemination. There was something that bothered me about this article. I have no interest in debating the issue of gay marriage, or whether or not a lesbian couple can provide a loving home. My issue with this article is with what it implies but does not say. It is a message that is spoken in many different forms but seems to be gaining popularity in our culture. That message is this: that children do not need fathers, and in this case, may be better off without them.
The most recent study is by far not the only way that this message has been relayed. More often it comes in the form of attention given to single mothers, and suggests that women can raise kids alone just as well as they can with a man. I have no doubt that a single mother, a grandmother, or any other capable woman who decides to give a child a loving home can do so. I was a single mother for several years and I am also the product of a single parent household. My mother raised me and my siblings well and did all that she could.
But she couldn’t be my father. No matter what she did she could not provide that Father/Daughter relationship for me, nor could she demonstrate for my brother the day-to-day activity that went into becoming a man. Like many children, my siblings and I adapted and grew up to become productive members of society. Yet that lack of a close relationship between my father and I affected me at every stage of my life, especially as I entered my teenage and dating years.
Now as the mother of a daughter and a son, I see the difference that having an active involved father makes. My daughter has the confidence that comes with being the apple of her father’s eye and doesn’t have to wait for some teenage boy, or grown man, to come in and fill that role of father figure. I see how my husband comes home and does all the wrestling and ball-playing that my son wants to do all day that I have no interest in. I see how he balances out my tendency to be nurturing and to let things slide with a little more discipline. I could try and do all of these things if I had to, but having him by my side gives us the freedom to both do what comes naturally.
Maybe it has developed as a coping mechanism for women raising kids alone, maybe it has to do with a variety of factors, but it seems that while we still regard mothers as vital to a child’s success, the role of fathers seems to be getting pushed further and further into the margins. It seems to me that as a society we are sending a very mixed message to fathers and an even more confusing one to the sons coming up behind them. If we continue to say “We don’t need you” how can we also continue to ask “Why aren’t you there?”
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
I agree that there is something un spoken and it is the male/father factor. However with the shortage of available black men and the increase of proffessional, finanncially secure black women, they’re not waiting on the nuclear family. They are creating it themselves. Also I think that the study was biased. You must look at who collected the data and who analyzed it as well.
“…but it seems that while we still regard mothers as vital to a childs success, the role of fathers seems to be getting pushed further and further into the margins.”
I couldn’t agree more…I am not a man and as much as I’d like to fantasize that I can provide my 2 boys with the same thing their father can…I know that I just can’t. Period. They don’t receive or perceive me the same way and that’s Ok. We have to be intentional about lifting up and affirming the critical role fathers play.
.-= Aiyana Ma’at´s last blog ..Having Sex With Herpes =-.
Great article Aja. I pray that our society doesn’t get use to the idea of father’s not being around. When I was coming up, it seemed that the majority of the people in my neighborhood didn’t have a father there, and that became the norm for us. It was surprising if your dad did live in the same house with you. Our generation has to change that, even if the father isn’t in the home, they still have to be just as involved as if they were.
My husband and I don’t have any children, very recently had a very important talk for when we do. I hate to hear ppl say Boys will be boys..hate it. It removes boys that will become men from responsibility of thier actions. This article is right on point. When can’t continue to point the finger when we give men from the time they r little boys a ready-made exit. It’s crazy. It’s a double standard that will always cone back to huant us. We do need our men. We need to stop making it ok for them to step away, but honestly who wouldn’t if they felt their presence was optional.
@ Kirsten I am with you 100% on your hatred of that saying! I could probably write 3 more posts about this, but I think in many ways as a society we don’t expect a certain level of responsibility from boys and then don’t understand when they fail as men. The truth is that we cannot, even if from a purely biological standpoint, survive without them, so it only makes sense that we would stop feeling like its ok to diminish their role.
@Laura Not an attack on your comment but we as black women MUST shake this notion of the “shortage of black menl” because we’re so “professionally advanced” etc. An MBA does not a great man make. And a bunch of “things” doesn’t make a family or bring happiness.
Choose a mate based on WHO they are; not their career potential or future earning potential.
As for the article, great points. This is my issue with the feminist movement. Some good stuff came of it but there are horrible things too, like the belief that males serve no purpose and are unnecessary. Its very tough. And like you say, if we continue along this path, we’re only going to lead to more & more singleparent homes with daughters perpetuating the cycle and sons believing they have no place.
My parents have been married for 36 years. My Papa is a superhero in my eyes. And I’m his favorite; we all know it.
On the flip side, I’ve been a single parent myself for almost 12 years and it is NOT a one person job. He didn’t intend for it to be that way; man & woman balance each other. That’s the key! Both bring unique attributes that are FUNDAMENTAL. We need to respect our men more!
Thank you Aja!!! I agree. For many years I raised my girls alone while their father shook his groove thang so to speak. A lot of my girlfriends are also single mothers. Honestly in my early 20’s we bashed these men and said everything from “I’m they mama and they daddy. My kids don’t need him” to “It’s MY baby he’s just the sperm donor”. Now that I’m in my 30’s and my daughters are preteen to young adult age I will be the first to admit I WAS WRONG!!! I even cringe when I hear others make similar statements. These kids do need that father/child dynamic. I had to tell a friend who called me on Father’s Day 09 to wish me a Happy Father’s Day oh no honey, I am not their father. That position as much as I tried to fill it must be filled by a real man. Not that woman in the Superman costume who thought she could fill it. (smile) Thanks be to GOD that their father is back in their lives. I try to encourage every single mother friend I have to not shut the childs father out unless he poses a danger to the child.
What I’m hearing more about lately is the mothers who are walking out on their children. But that’s an entirely different topic.
very interesting article.. i totally agree with Aja, especially the last paragraph. I’ve benefitted so much from my father–he treated me like a queen & trained my bros to do the same. When he died while I was 16, I already had a model for a husband. I was already use to be treated with dignity, grace and delicately, so anything less would be unnatural. One day, I want my daughter to have those same standards and my son to treat women as such.
I wish Janks Morton was here to discuss this topic. He did a documentary called “Men II Boys” and it was a whole bunch of black men from all walks of life imparting their learned wisdom to boys who would watch the doc. It was really touching for me, because it showed just how important fathers are in the lives of young men, and how the dearth of fathers in the household has had a negative effect on African-America.
To broaden that viewpoint, I would have to say that a father’s role in the life of his daughter is just as important, if not moreso. My daddy was my hero. The only time he ever left was when he was on military orders, but beyond that, he was an ever present influence and safety net in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today had I not had that strong example of what a man should be in my life. That’s not to say that those who did not have their fathers in their lives are “less than.” Quite the contrary, really. The weaknesses in my character and personality REQUIRED that I have that male role model etched into every aspect of my life, and I really doubt that I would have been the person I am now without him.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..I Can’t Hear You! =-.
Nice post. I just blogged about this — Are fathers irrelevant? — and pissed off a whole lotta choice moms in the process on my blog, on Choicemoms.org and on singlemommyhood.com.
I am a mom of a wonderful son, and I hate to see him being marginalized as a man — and potential father — in today’s society.
I understand how some women really really want a child. But, as other people have asked, what if we can’t have it all? What’s in a child’s best interest?
I have asked the choice moms who point to studies like this (although, I’m going to cut lesbian families some slack; they can’t get married, and they don’t even have the same rights!), about how well-rounded the kids are (great!) if anyone ever asks the kids, “How do you feel growing up without a dad?”
But, I don’t think anyone ever asks that. I think I know why …
.-= Kat Wilder´s last blog ..My “yes dear†relationship =-.
It makes me a little sad to think that there are people who will read those types of study and come to the conclusion that fathers are optional. Yes, women can do a d-mn good job raising a child without a father figure {my mom is an excellent example of that}, but that doesn’t mean that fathers are therefore not needed. I absolutely needed my dad, and I know that my mother at times needed him, too.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Fellas, Help Me Understand Something =-.
As a man this saddens me, what has come of society where children being raised without fathers is no longer a taboo or an issue but a positive thing. This is not to take anything away from all the single mothers out there holding it down, my hat/glove and shoe goes off to you. I really wish that it was not that way and that the dads including my own would have done what they needed to do so that this would not even be a topic. But here we are with it been more than a topic, it is bringing families to a point of redefinition. I too believe that the article is politically driven from a place of biases but it has been validated by the numbers that it represents.
So here is my soap box moment… brothers, husbands, fathers and black men please stand up and do the best thing that you can possible do for your children/our children…be their father, show up in their lives and be counted. Show society or better yet show yourself that the numbers are not as correct as they are made out to be. Show society that when fathers show up ready will and able, that their children will benefit on the highest level possible. Children are created from both male and female so I believe that healthy interactions from both parts are needed to make the best possible child.
Excellent Posting! Aja
.-= Whyte23´s last blog ..The Game =-.
This so called study botherd me also. Yes @ Aja, your mom could have given you the world but she could never be your father. I don’t have a problem with same sex marriage, lesbians, gays adopting/using IVF. I have a problem with/wonder if the kids will get the knowledge of both “genders”. I will use a analogy “When a person/couple straight, bi, tri courious adopts a child that does not look like them isn’t it in the childs best interest for the parent(s) to teach the child about their culture? Isn’t it also in the best interest of a child of same sex couples to know what a adult other than their same gender parents look like? I think they should have mentors/advisors, kept on speed dial? A good parent is not defined by their gender or being with the same gender. A good parent remembers that a child needs to be taught that all sterotype, some are bias, and some are prejudice.
I always have to tell people that children, especially boys need their father in their life. I may be able to teach them character, respect and responsibility, but I can not teach them how to be a man, as I am not one. I am thankful that my boys do have their grandfather and their uncles to look to as an example, but nothing replaces a father. And theirs moved cross country for scenery and weather, what a great example.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy =-.
@ Connie, Well said to the T, I couldnt agree with you more…that was also me and my thoughts when i was younger and in my 20’s and just like you said, I was just as wrong also!!!! Its hard when ur trying to steer or give advice to others, to prevent them from doing and behaving that way!! Both parents are needed regardless if your still together or not, because i cannot teach my son how to be a man !
While shopping for a Father’s Day card for my husband, I came across a selection of cards. The heading was “To Mom on Father’s Day.” What saddened me even more what that I only saw this selection of cards in the “Mahogany” card section. I had the exact same feelings as you, Aja, but I’m not as eloquent with words. Thanks for the article and I hope more women and men realize the importance of a father in a child’s life.
I realize we keep stressing on the boys and father figures . But i grew up without my father . Although he did not leave he died . It is very stressful growing up as a girl with out a father . I also realize we have identified the problem . But can we also shed some light on possible solutions . How do we train our future fathers ? Get rid of this cycle before our daughters have the same faith as some of us!
Some things we can do to fix the problem:
a) STOP denying fathers access to their children; as long as he isn’t a threat (abuse of any kind or neglect) you have NO right to deny him. You don’t have to like or agree with his parenting but that kid is just as much yours as it is his
b) STOP teaching our kids that men are optional. Don’t ever talk down about their father and never display “bitter woman syndrome” to them. Don’t complain about “how bad men are”. It teaches girls that’s what to expect and it teaches boys that they’re worthless 🙁
c) VALUE marriage! Teach them that the NEED to wait to have children when they’re married. Of course some marriages fail, but by & large, kids fare better when they have a loving example of mom & dad at home.
d) Most importantly…we have to “follow the rules” as the adult examples. Choose your mate as best you can! Do not procreate with someone you barely know or don’t wish to be tied to for life via marriage; having children together is a liftime bond.
And remember, it really does take a village; even for 2 parent families. The more positive role models (male & female) the better.
(My $.02)
NADIA June 11, 2010 at 6:32 am
I realize we keep stressing on the boys and father figures . But i grew up without my father . Although he did not leave he died . It is very stressful growing up as a girl with out a father . I also realize we have identified the problem . But can we also shed some light on possible solutions . How do we train our future fathers ? Get rid of this cycle before our daughters have the same faith as some of us!
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I grew up w/out a mother. My dad made sure we had female role models in our lives. His mom, our sister from another mother. Our friends moms. It really is up to us as parents to make sure we raise our children to be able to raise theirs. Nothing is written in stone. To raise a son to be a father in the future is one of those things that we just have to remember how we raised him, and if there was really a strong male figure in his life. I have one son, he made me a grandmother. My son is a great dad. I don’t have to do anything right now for my grandbaby(I buy things because I want to but love her and off key sing lulbaby lyric songs).. I can’t “sang” sing, but my grandbaby smiles when she hears my voice. I think she is really laughing at me and not with me. LOL. It ‘s ok. I know I can’t sing. I use to sing to my baby sisters and they too pretended to enjoy it.
“How do we train future fathers”? “We Raise Our Sons”. We find mentors and if we don’t they will find themselves with a Probation Officer, who can also be a mentor. LOL. We have more choices than we think we have. Being a woman and raising a son is not a easy task. Not sure how much of a true statement this is but here it goes. “Women either hate or love the man they have a son with. Women tend to “coddle their son(s) but teach their daughers to be “Miss Independent”. Why? Is it in a womans DNA? As I mentioned, I only have one son, he was the hardest to deliver and he was my smallest child of the 3 children I had. I still once again have to give my son kudos for being such a great dad. In typing my last line I realized my son is a dad and has to be included for a Fathers Day Gift. Should I buy him a vacuum or a BBQ Grill? LOL.
This conversation needs to happen more often in our society of today! I’m a mother and wife and without my hub my family wouldn’t be in the piston that it’s in right now! Its a positive out look for those who are young and desire one day to be married and hope to find someone who will share the same great values that a family should have.
Though I have my personal beliefs regarding same sex partners raising part of the generation of today, my prayer and desire is that we understand God’s original design which was for there to be one husband of one wife! If we as a nation follow God’s original blue print then the devastation, turmoil and the attack on the family wouldn’t be in such danger of being changed to these extended versions of what a family structure looks like!!!
Fathers are a blessing and need credit and representation instead of being bashed for the mess-ups of the past to-current men who decided to abandon their responsibilities to their own families which now leaves the next generation open to nothing but failure!
I was glad to hear about the study, because gay families will feel more confident and it should make legislation in favor of gay marriage more in reach. I don’t think there is anything in this study that would advocate that single parenting is better than with a partner. I do understand your point about the value of a father. My husband and I are traditional in that he is more playful and more strict and I am the more nurturing one and that is a great balance. I would be interested to see if they do further research into this topic.
Interesting. I can honestly say that websites such as this one are nice gestures. They touch upon subjects which extol the virtues of Fatherhood. Although the intentions are well-meaning, they can also be misinformed and/or incomplete. There is another side of Fatherhood that nobody cares to expose, nor care to be concerned with: the side o Fatherhood that deals with scorned Mothers who alienate good Fathers from their Children. It is a situation that is more prevalent than the world cares to believe. My Daughter and I are a victim of such circumstances. I took the liberties of building a website, with the intentions of contacting my Daughter (it's been 5 years since I've seen her; 2 years since I've heard from her), keeping in touch with her, and also informing those who can criticize without knowing (coughcoughPresidentObamacoughcough). I'd like to add your link to my website. Please eel free to visit my website as well. It is incomplete and not very snazzy, but it's my labor o love and completely necessary. http://www.onefathersfight.org