By Edward C. Lee
The last few months I have taken up this challenge to work toward improving the communication between me and my wife. It is a challenge prompted by a weeklong visit by my parents. On one of the nights that they stayed with us I woke up around 3am and was doing some reading. As I walked around my house I could hear my parents talking in the guest room.
My first thought was, “After 45 years of marriage, what in the world is there to talk about at 3 am?” I found it pretty amazing that they could just wake up in the middle of the night, start a conversation and even find a little time to laugh at 3 am.
I guess in a way I was a little envious/challenged, because my wife and I just don’t connect like that, especially in the middle of the night. Although we have grown tremendously in how we talk to and express our feelings with each other, we still have points of difficulty when it comes to being able to effectively communicate. What I was overhearing in my parents was a level of relationship maturity that I would like to get to someday. I did not really hear exactly what they were saying (that would be rude) but I could get the gist of it even through their muffled tones in the middle of the night.
What was missing from their conversation was the posturing and positioning that we sometimes resort to in our conversations. Their were no staked out positions or agendas, just the quest for solutions. They were able to just say what they felt, have it received and whether they agreed or disagreed they could laugh about it. The most encouraging thing about this was knowing that it has not always been that way for them. The way in which they communicate now is a depth of relationship that has developed since they have retired from their stressful jobs, and got their crazy kids out of the house (with me being the first to go).
So my challenge is not to wait to get to this place in my marriage after 40 years but to move toward it now while we are working, stressed out and raising kids. There has to be a way to enjoy a relationship of open communication now, and the following is my action plan for getting there:
- Schedule time to talk. Being busy can no longer be an excuse. Everybody everywhere is busy these days. A healthy marriage is as significant as any meeting, appointment or to-do item that there is. So begin to schedule time to spend just talking to each other. If we don’t schedule time to talk then it just won’t happen on it’s own.
- Listen. Put your cell phone on silent, off, or take it out of the room. When we sit down to talk, you have my undivided attention. No more giving partial attention and expecting full results. Listening is not agreeing, it is demonstrating I am concerned about what is concerning my wife.
- Pray before I speak. Lord, guide my tongue. Some times I just don’t know how to respond or if I should even respond at all. Take a minute to gather your thoughts and seek wisdom before launching into a response.
- Lose myself. Stop trying to win an argument and begin gaining freedom. If I win, I am in front alone. If I seek to compromise and allow the conversation to take its full course then perhaps we can arrive at a solution together. Start seeking solutions more than victories. Also check out EPayne’s post on arguing.
- Stop guessing. Ask for clarification – even when you are sure what your spouse is talking about. Eliminate gray areas – where confusion hides by replacing thoughts like, “I think you mean,” with “I don’t understand exactly what you mean.”
This is just my personal manifesto, and so far so good. But how about you BMWK family? What are your rules to better communication between you and your mate?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, host of the blog, elevateyourmarriage.com and Author of two first of their kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and his new book, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions. Follow Edward on his blog or on Facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.