Back in 2011, I lost the most important person in my life. My mother passed away from multiple sclerosis, but it was a long process before she actually succumbed.
While I went through a range of emotions and challenges during the process, my wife was right by my side. I went from feeling sad, to angry, to betrayed, to happy, to not knowing what or how to feel. Being my mom’s only son, I felt the need to remain strong and show no emotion (because that’s what I thought it meant to be a man). But one night, I reached my breaking point; and it brought me closer to my wife than ever. That breaking point included frustration and tears, but it also included a breakthrough in my relationship.
Vulnerability
Before that night, I wasn’t always the best at expressing my feelings because of fear of being judged for having them. It was always easier to be guarded but in that moment I felt safe with my wife. I didn’t have to worry about judgment or backlash or looking weak…in that moment I was strong because I was able to overcome the emotional barrier I had previously put up.
Communication
In that moment, I was able to speak about my feelings. I was able to be hurt and mad and sad and everything else. And my wife just listened. She didn’t discount my feelings; she didn’t try to tell me how to feel about it or what to do about it; she just did one of the most important things in communication, and that’s….LISTEN.
I learned an important lesson from that moment, and now I try (I’m not always successful) to do more listening and less fixing and talking.
Trust
For a man, one of the hardest things to do is trust someone else with our feelings. Growing up for many of us, feelings were considered a bad thing or a sign of weakness, so being able to trust my wife meant a lot to me. I was able to release my true feelings without judgment or backlash. And that built a higher level of trust for that behavior to be repeated later on in our marriage.
Sacrifice
Throughout the entire process of my mother’s declining health, my wife consistently sacrificed. She sacrificed her time, energy, effort and resources to make sure that my mom was taken care of, and that meant so much to me.
She stayed many long nights at her house with me, brought food and even helped take on shifts of taking care of my mom when she couldn’t take care of herself. She sacrificed over and over again, and without her, I don’t know how I would have made it through. She taught me a lesson in selflessness, and it made us closer.
Life has a way of testing our relationships. There are so many situations that we go through that can either bring us closer or tear us apart. I am glad that my relationship was tested, and it showed me the true character of my queen. It helped me with trust, communication, vulnerability and sacrifice, and we are better now because of it. That time of grief and loss will always hurt, but out of it came something that I’ll forever love and appreciate my wife for.
BMWK Fam, what is something that you and your spouse have been through together that either helped or hurt your relationship?