by Harriet Hairston
Every marriage has its own heartbeat and DNA–a specific genetic code that identifies its purpose and destiny. Unfortunately, some are doomed to failure–not because they were never meant to be successful–because of cancerous cells within the marital unit that metastasize and spread until there is nothing healthy left to salvage.
Every marriage is unique. Two people raised in different households come together. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, and BOOM! Marriage bursts forth out of love, commitment and a mutual desire to grow together for better or for worse.
That sounds so optimistic and desirable, doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want that? It sounds like the mutual creation of a work of art, doesn’t it? Well, in many ways, it is:
- Marriage IS making love. It combines three types of love–physical, familial and unconditional–into one beautiful conglomerate.
- Marriage creates a mosaic picture of family, friends, past, present and a vision of the future.
- Marriage potentially makes its members multilingual in love. It helps its members learn how to speak the different dialects of love languages.
I fell in love with Mr. Incredible through our conversations. He knew the art of speaking my love language through words of affirmation that made me feel like I was the only woman created for him. He made me feel like a queen, and I affirmed him by making him feel like a giant. No matter what our circumstances were–even if it was us against the world–we grabbed Christ in one hand and intertwined fingers in the other and got married.
We believed that the work of art we’d created through our love for Christ and one another was enough to get us through anything. After all, love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world. And we established plenty of it. We were BILLIONAIRES in our emotional bank accounts. All we needed to get by was one another. You couldn’t tell us nothing!
Yes, every marriage contains all it needs to survive and thrive, even in a rough environment. That won’t happen without the proper tools, though. Assembly is required. A few weeks ago, I was watching my mother in law assemble an office chair. All the parts were available, but if she didn’t read the directions or use the proper tools, she would have had a whole bunch of pieces, but that chair may not have held any weight.
What many couples fail to realize is the fact that marriage is not just about the artistic, lovey dovey stuff that make livers quiver and hearts skip beats. A marriage will not hold weight like that. Assembly is required. A couple can’t just throw all the pieces together willy-nilly and expect their marriage to work. It takes intelligent design and a science. The scientific process requires patience and discipline that not all couples are willing to establish their foundation upon.
The science of marriage includes:
- Not just the pieces of communication–a sender, a message and receiver–but how to properly assemble those pieces in conversations and conflict resolution.
- Speaking of conflict resolution, the science of marriage teaches couples to get beyond mere argumentativeness and graduate to mediation and empathetic listening skills.
- Maximizing both similarities and differences. Many focus on similarities, but differences without the proper science could lead to arguments, when in fact, they are designed to balance a marriage out so it doesn’t get too one-sided.
- Forces individuals to objectively check themselves and listen objectively to what their partner is trying to say.
- Pushing through difficulties to get to the conclusion of the matters in marriage. The application of pressure to marriage should mold a couple closer together if they use the proper science.
If a couple only lives on the art of marriage, they will live happily ever after–until challenges or disagreements arise. Then it becomes hellishly ever after until “the great make up” takes place. It goes from one extreme to another, from cloud nine to the bottom of the barrel. I an write confidently about it because Mr. Incredible and I lived with that kind of imbalance for years.
If a couple only lives on the science of marriage, their relationship will be polite and safe, but have no joi de vive, no zest, no LIFE. Ultimately, it is dry, unmotivating and BORING.
The balance is found in creating the work of art marriage is supposed to be, then digging your heels in and applying the science of marriage when times get rough.
BMWK, has your marriage ever been one sided as an art or a science? How does the DNA of your marriage create the balance for you?
God bless!
~ Harriet