by Chioma Catherine Okoroafor
As kids, we depend on our parents for virtually everything. They bathe us, feed us, care for us and even dress us. But as we get into the adolescent stage, the consciousness of having our space becomes inevitable. We begin to have our secrets; we want our own rooms, our privacy, our friends, and also want to make our own decisions. As we become adults, the appreciation and desire for our space grows stronger. We long for space around us: where we live, in our offices, at home. Every human being needs his space and is generally possessive when it comes to that. It is pretty difficult to make sacrifices when it involves “our” space.
In every relationship, sacrificing a portion of this space is necessary because there are always people around where you live or work that will infringe on your space without your permission. We need to learn the art of letting people into our space without being a nuisance and vice versa.
While courting my husband, I realized that he loved to have his books scattered around his house. I came to realize that he could pick up 20 books and leave them all over the house. Whenever I visited, I would gather them together with the aim of keeping the house clean but rather than get a smile, I always got a frown because he loved to have books scattered within his space and I loved to have the house tidy. Gradually, he began to pick the books and keep them in their proper place whenever I informed him that I was visiting.
In order to build a healthy relationship, we must learn how to manage intrusions upon our space. Relationship is about stretching and compromise. I baffle at the issues raised by couples which range from how one partner presses the toothpaste or uses the bath tub or hangs the towel or something silly. If truth be told, when you get married, you can’t totally retain your space in the manner you used to while single. It has to be shared. From experience, I have come to understand that when you truly love someone, the downside of space intrusion dies.
Here are some points to consider to successfully manage space intrusion in your relationship:
1. Space intrusion needs understanding: You need to understand that everyone has their space and marriage doesn’t give you the right to demand for the other person’s space. To get and enjoy your spouse’s space, you need to patiently work your way into his or her space not forcefully but with love. Otherwise you would experience a strong wall that would breed problems rather than solutions. As a friend and partner, you need to understand that the world is no longer all about you but involves others you love. In marriage, your spouse, kids, in-laws, relatives, parents, siblings etc. will definitely take your space and trust me you will have to fit them all in.
2. Space intrusion needs love: Your space would be shared with ease when love exists. Your space simply represents your level of sacrifice and commitment. Truth be told, as human beings we warm up to people we like. When you say you love someone, you cannot hide anything from him/her. That person is always welcome at anytime. One place my husband hates to be disturbed is his library. He cherishes the time he spends in his library and appreciates it when he is left alone. But I discovered he loves it when I pop in every now and then to find out how he is doing. Those are moments that put a smile on his face.
3. Space intrusion requires appreciation not complaints:
Every human being is willing to give more or do more when he or she is appreciated. In the early years of my marriage, I found out about something my husband had kept away from me (not that it was so important) but the problem was that I got to know about it from someone I didn’t expect would and should know. I confronted him in anger and disappointment and he replied me with these words: “I am trying! I am doing my best! Appreciate it! You didn’t marry a perfect man, you know!” Your spouse is human and can make mistakes too. Let’s appreciate the efforts our spouses put into the marriage and not build standards for them. When you appreciate your spouse, knowing it is not easy for one to share his/her space, your spouse will give you more of that space.
4. Make space intrusion worthwhile by being valuable:
If you value your spouse’s space, he/she will on a regular basis enjoy sharing the space with you. When my husband took up a job that required him to do a lot of travelling, I began to cherish every moment of sleeping in the same bed. When he is around, I make sure that I hold him close to me before I sleep (no more sleeping in opposite direction) and not just that, I give him a valuable night to remember so that when he is away, he keeps calling me every single night telling me how he wishes I was beside him. Most times, when I am less busy, he begs me to travel with him. Give your spouse the reason to want you around, desire to talk with you and long to spend time with you. Always desire to be part of your spouse’s space and enjoy it because there is so much pain when you lose it. When you allow your spouse into your space, it builds trust, respect and a greater level of commitment.
Did you have issues at the beginning of your relationship with maintaining your own space? How did you overcome it?
Chioma Catherine Okoroafor is a relationship manager with a financial institution, a writer, a motivational speaker and a Public Relations Consultant who believes that the world can be a better place to live in if relationships are molded properly from the small units of human institutions like: the home, workplace, classroom, street. She is a best friend to her husband and two lovely children.