A few of the expectations we enter into our marriages with are pretty valid. Love, respect, communication, and faithfulness are all reasonable requests, in my opinion. It’s selfish to enter a union and not be willing to demonstrate those core values.
So when our spouse does something other than what they promised, or the least of what we expected, a sense of betrayal and heartbreak will usually follow. That heartbreak can cause us to lose ourselves, seek revenge, become depressed, and become distant in other important relationships in our lives. If we don’t seek to manage what we’re feeling and deal with our reality, we will continue to suffer.
Now I won’t tell you to get over it and move on, but I will share a few healthy ways to heal and deal with betrayal in your marriage.
1. Seek God for understanding.
Prayer and a quiet meditation will help you sort through the range of emotions you might be feeling at this time. Seeking God before you do something you will regret will save you any further heartache. Also, ask others to pray that you make it through this valley.
2. Stop blaming yourself.
It might feel natural to somehow arrive at the conclusion that what your spouse did was your fault. Yes, there may have been things you could have done better, but your partner made that decision, not you. So let yourself off the hook. When you decide to move forward, do own your part and seek any self-improvement you feel is necessary to make your relationship better, but let your partner take full responsibility for their actions.
3. Forgive.
This one may be a little hard for you to see at this point. But remember, you don’t actually have to forgive. You can choose to carry this dead weight with you, think about it all the time, let it affect everything else around you and just weigh you down. It is a choice, but you have much more to gain by forgiving; like a sense of peace, a release, and the strengthening of other relationships that may have been affected by your disappointment in your spouse.
4. Accept what happened.
If you or your partner could turn back the hands of time, I’m sure you both would. It is what it is. It did actually happen and now you have to deal with what comes next. Being in denial only prolongs your ability to heal. Face your reality and seek ways to handle all that you are feeling.
5. Don’t think you have to make a decision immediately about the future of your relationship. Really take some time to consider the benefits of the marriage, how you feel about your partner, and if it is a marriage or partnership worth saving. Marriages can survive, even what we sometimes feel are the worst possible situations. You will have to decide what type of effort and energy you are willing to put forth.
6. Seek advice only from those who truly love you and only when you need it. Those who truly love us will tell us the whole truth and nothing but the truth. They won’t just say what they think we want to hear. We also have to be honest with ourselves and remember we don’t need anyone else to validate the decisions we make for our relationships. So seek guidance only when you need it.
7. Recognize you’re not the only person this has happened to. You aren’t alone and there are resources and relationship professionals that touch on every possible challenge a marriage could face. Don’t be afraid to seek them.
8. Believe that this too shall pass, but it will be a process. As funky as this feels right now, life will go on and you will recover your happy. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen. You won’t always feel like this, I promise.
9. Know that it’s okay to feel exactly what you’re feeling, but it’s not okay to feel that way forever. Don’t allow yourself to stay in pity party mode for too long. Have your moments of anger, frustration, and tears, but know they will eventually have to end, so you can feel good again.
10. Remember, whatever you decide is your choice. This is your marriage and your life. In the end, you have to make the choice that makes you happy.
Your life will go on either way. You’ll either move forward or move on. Please remember, whichever road you choose, finding healthy ways to handle your relationship betrayal will be the key to your personal healing.
BMWK, have you had to deal with betrayal in your relationship? If so, what did you do?