After two children, now ages 5 and 14, my husband and I declared the baby factory shut down, boarded up the windows and gave anything baby related to friends or thrift shops.
And then I found out I was pregnant. After experiencing every emotion from shock to happiness to excitement to dismay, we needed to answer the question, what next? How do we prepare for another baby when we knew that part of our lives was over? How do we adjust to this new future we didn’t intend to have?
We don’t have all of the answers yet, but we’ve put together a few key pieces of the puzzle that give us a little peace of mind as we approach the months to come.
We adjusted our budget – In some ways, re-adjusting the budget seems obvious enough. But when you feel overwhelmed looking at the future, it can feel easier just to throw up your hands and hope for the best. Instead of that approach, we’ve gotten proactive in looking at everything from childcare to diapers to clothing. We had to figure out what we needed, and what we needed to let go of to bring our new life into the world.
We worry less about the unimportant – With our first child, together, we looked for themed bibs and bedding. We wanted everything from the pack-n-play to the blankets in the same color scheme. By baby three, we’ve realized that babies really don’t need any of that to survive. Since we’ve long given away everything that belonged to our now five-year-old, hand-me-downs from friends and family will have to do for some of the big stuff. We’ve realized that the baby doesn’t care that his high chair doesn’t match his stroller; he’s still going to eat.
We’ve identified our support system – Who can help you? We are fortunate to live close enough to family that we have a lot of help when we need it. No matter what your situation, you need to start thinking about who can you count on to be there for you. Maybe some people would be willing to help out after you deliver. Maybe others would be willing to watch the baby for a little while so that you can get some much needed sleep. Once you identify who you have in your support circle, don’t be afraid to call on them when you need them.
We ask for help from our older kids – I’ve encountered some strong opinions about this. Some people believe that asking older children to help out with younger children is unfair. Keep in mind, I’m not suggesting that older children be stand in parents, but asking for help with minor tasks, like packing a bag or changing a diaper, isn’t infringing upon their childhood. It’s just teaching them how to be a part of the household.
We keep dating – Undoubtedly, a new baby will make it more difficult to connect as a couple. But you have to do it. Work harder to make that connection work. Create a regular schedule to connect for at least a few minutes every day.
We have each other’s back – I will admit that I have not always been a ray of sunshine through this pregnancy. My husband has cut me a lot of slack and supported me as I’ve gone through this emotional roller coaster, and I’ve done the same for him. Sometimes it is difficult thinking about managing the unexpected, but we realize how blessed we are to be able to fall in love again with a new little person, and to fall deeper for one another along the way.
BMWK – How have you dealt with an unplanned pregnancy in your marriage? What are your survival tips?