Dear Dr. Buckingham
Hello, I have a few questions regarding my marriage. We have been together for 3 years and married 2, one issue is that I have never met, seen nor spoken to the other parent of my spouse’s child. I am almost never informed when they are speaking or communicating with each other. It really bothers me because I find myself questioning my trust for them. We have a child together, but I do the majority of everything for our child and there seems to be no concern for our child…but all the concern for the other child that is barely seen, as far as I know. When going to pick up the child from the other parent’s house, I am never invited to ride along or be involved. We are in the process of purchasing a home together, but I don’t want to make another huge mistake. If I try to talk about it they get very defensive and say I’m jealous or insecure. What should I do?
Thanks! Concerned Wife
Dear Concerned Wife,
Marriage is a partnership that involves mutual decision making, consultation, consideration, compromise and connectedness. Unfortunately, you are currently in a relationship that is not honoring or celebrating any of the aforementioned. The need to feel connected is basic to survival and many individuals find comfort in marriage because this particular need is often met. Do not allow your husband to shame you with talk of insecurity and jealousness. His defensiveness is symptomatic of wrong-doing.
I am not accusing your husband of cheating, but I am accusing him of not respecting and honoring his household queen – you. Although he is head of household, he does not have the right to exclude you from being involved in matters or situations that impact you personally. Marriage is a 50-50 situation in every respect and works best when there is shared consideration and commitment. When you begin to feel alienated by your spouse, it is time to speak-up and if warranted step-out.
Speak-up: As the old saying goes, “A closed mouth does not get fed”. You are taking on a passive role while the ex is taking on an active role. Let your husband know that you love him and want to be with him, but you do not need to be with someone who does not honor you. Express this with confidence, grace and humbleness. If he truly values you, he will value what you have to say. There is no need to be in a relationship and feel lonely. It is up to you to express your need for consideration, support, respect and connectedness. Happiness is a choice, not an entitlement. Assert yourself in a respectful manner and do not obsess over his accusations of insecurity. Even if you are slightly insecure, let him know that his behavior is not helping. “You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” – Barbara De Angelis
Step-out: Seek professional counseling. Ninety percent of the marital or consultation inquiries I receive are initiated by women. Men typically do not feel comfortable seeking help and often minimize the role that emotional distress play in their relationship difficulty. The ability to succeed in relationships does not occur without some form of professional counseling or guidance. Even the most nurturing, self-driven and productive women require guidance and seek advice from time to time. Based on the fact that relationships can be stressful at times, it is imperative to seek help when warranted. It is important to be mindful of the fact that a man will not change unless he wants to do so. So do not think that you can change a man who does not want or desire help. You can support your husband and ask him to attend professional counseling, but if he refuses, then what? Exit immediately.
As you strive to establish a respectful relationship with your husband I would encourage you not to make any major life decisions. Purchasing a home is a major life decision that requires long-term commitment. Your husband has yet to prove that he is worthy of your love and commitment. Until he does right by you, I highly recommend that you do what is best for you and your child.
Good luck, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.