Dear Dr Buckingham,
I have been married for just a year and we were dating off and on for 10 years because he was deployed a lot and I was stationed elsewhere. We both already had 1 son from previous relationships, and 3 years ago we had a son together. BLENDED! Over the past 7 to 8 years my husband has gained about 175 pounds and he gets depressed. When I tell him to cut back, he snaps at me. So I fall back and let him do his thing, then he says I am not supportive.
This is my issue with SEX, because all he does is sleep. Before my marriage I had a serious problem with initiating intimacy, and in a sense I still do because I was afraid of rejection or ridicule. But with him sleeping all the time, like right now while I am typing this, he is sleep!
What can I do? It’s boring. He’s not affectionate; he doesn’t just come up and hug me, or kiss me. And he’s always home, too… no smacks on the butt…UNLESS…he’s feeling some type of way. Other than that, he’s not playful, no morning kisses, no goodnight kisses. When I talked to him about it, he said he has never been that affectionate.
I thought maybe it was because of our distance before, but this is a real problem. He is not emotionally available for me. I begged him to please go to counseling and he has refused twice. I don’t know anymore. Any advice? Am I asking too much?
Ms. Emotionally Empty!
Dear Ms. Emotionally Empty,
No, you are not asking too much. Emotional intimacy is what makes us feel connected and loved.
There is nothing in the world that is more challenging and stressful for a woman than being in a relationship with a man who is emotionally unavailable.
Ninety percent of the women I see for individual consultation and marital therapy struggle in their marriages because they are married to men who are emotionally unavailable.
Listen to me when I tell you that, men who are emotionally unavailable can and will suck the life out of you and will not experience much distress while doing so. I make it sound as if men are evil and have no heart. This is not the case by far; some men just miss the mark when it comes to recognizing and responding to emotions, especially if they are not truly interested in you or are emotionally unavailable—“Emotions, what are those?”
Some men are emotionally unavailable because they have difficulty recognizing emotions and others chose to be emotionally unavailable because they are consumed by career aspirations, school or work obligations, peer pressure, success, selfishness, heartache from a previous relationship or unresolved mental health problems.
Men who are emotionally unavailable do not invest heartfelt time and energy into relationships with women. Your chances of being hurt are greater during this period of emotional seclusion.
Emotionally unavailable men want what every man wants—your time, your body, your mind, your companionship and your undivided attention. He wants you to be there for him emotionally, physically and spiritually, but will not give the same in return. Most women do not get or understand this.
If your husband continues to refuse help, I highly recommend that you seek help. This is very important because men who are emotionally unavailable often project their distress onto those close to them. Remember that anyone who struggles to love him or herself, will probably struggle to love others. Also, I recommend that you should seek professional help because you mentioned that your husband gets depressed and you still have a problem with initiating intimacy. By seeking counseling, you can learn how to cope with your husband’s depression more effectively and also work through your fear of rejection.
It is extremely important to take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually so that you can maintain your sanity. If your husband is not willing to do the work, I do not believe that you will get what your heart desires – intimacy. Your husband must understand that it is impossible to love with a purpose, if he does not live with a purpose. With this in mind, I want to remind you that your husband’s participation is needed to make your relationship work. Your marriage will not survive if you are doing all the work. Once your mind is clear and you are at peace, you will be able to make better decisions regarding the future of your marriage.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.