By Aja Dorsey Jackson
Don’t have sex until you’re married.
If only everyone followed this rule laid out in most religions we would not have so many of the issues that we deal with today like teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and out-of-wedlock births. If we would all stop sinning and lock it up and throw away the key until somebody put a ring on it, life would presumably be so much better overall.
Now hit the reality button. The fact is that while waiting until marriage is possible and does happen it isn’t as likely to happen as the alternative. The fact is that if brides started abiding by the “virgin-in-a-white-dress” rules, you would see a heck of a lot more gowns in beige, khaki, maybe even red.
With a daughter moving into her teen years, this reality has led me to think about what I will teach her about sex as she gets older. What I have come to is this: despite my Christian upbringing and beliefs, I will not teach my daughter abstinence only.
I grew up in church and was taught to “just say no” to sex from a young age, just like most of those that grew up in church with me. Sex before marriage was a scary place where the Boogey Man lived. If you were a fornicator you were done for. Do not pass Go. Report to Hell immediately.
Yet despite the emphasis on swearing off sex until marriage, very few kids at my church made it down the aisle, or even to the age of 20 without having a baby first. If we count those that saved themselves for marriage, that number becomes miniscule, if existent at all. The unspoken truth in my church, and I know I’m not alone, is that there were just as many sexually active teens and young adults, if not more, than there were anywhere else.
I am not a researcher, and can’t say that I truly know why this teaching didn’t work. I just know that it didn’t. And I am determined to send my children out into this world armed with more than a Bible and the word “No.”
Because we are raising our children to be Christians, in any situation that comes up I talk to my kids about what the Bible says, and what we believe God wants for us. But at the same time I want to make sure that I’m having a conversation with my kids, not delivering a sermon. A conversation that revolves not only around sin and consequences, but also birth control options and making smart relationship decisions.
I know what’s right, but I won’t hide my eyes to what’s real. “Just say no” doesn’t work on kids beyond a certain age because waiting for marriage to have sex requires commitment to something you truly believe in; not just because the idea has been beaten into your head. I can teach my children what I believe, but I can’t force them to take that teaching to heart. That is something they will need to do or their own. Just as I would do to prepare them for college or to make any other life decision, I plan to give my kids as much information as they need in order to prepare them for the future, no matter what path they choose.
Will you teach your kids to wait until marriage? Does teaching kids to save themselves for marriage work?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.