Dear Dr. Buckingham, I lost my father about 4 years ago. I was and am still dealing with grief. My issue, however, is that growing up I lived with my mom. My father lived in the same town (about 15 minutes away) but I rarely saw him. Then, later in life after I was married, we became closer. For the past couple of years, I have been dealing with depression and insecurities. I looked for love that I believe I should I have gotten from my dad from other men. Yes, I’m still married but my husband doesn’t show affection and rarely gives me the attention I need. So I started looking for it from other men. Since my father is gone, How Can I Get The Fatherly Loved that I’m Missing?
Thanks,
Ms. Missing Love
Dear Ms. Missing Love,
I am sorry to hear about the situation with your father. To not have him in your life during critical years of development has definitely taken a toll on you emotionally. Unfortunately, you are looking for love in the wrong place. No man can replace a father’s love. In fact, it is not fair to your husband or any other man to be compared to or be expected to provide what your father didn’t.
Unfortunately, you cannot get the fatherly love that you are missing because a husband cannot replace a father. I have worked with hundreds of women who entered relationships looking for fatherly love and ended up disappointed.
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Generally speaking, a father’s love involves nurturing during childcare and influencing personality development. Fathers help their daughters feel self-love, self-respect, and confidence. Also, fathers help their daughters learn what to expect in their relationships. While your husband is responsible for providing some love of nurturing, he is not responsible for influencing or shaping your personality development or character.
In my research, I have found that childhood experiences impact perceptions of marital satisfaction in adulthood. I published the results of my research in my book entitled, “Can Black Women Achieve Marital Satisfaction? You can secure a copy at www.drbuckingham.com
Other research shows that little girls have active expectations and a cognitive need for their father’s presence and approval. Given this, the best thing that you can do for yourself is to get counseling to process your grief and enhance your emotional wellbeing. The need for affection and attention is normal, but how you express that need can be destructive.
After receiving counseling, if you still feel strongly about connecting with a man in a fatherly-like fashion, please look within your family system. Maybe you have an uncle or someone who can guide and nurture you separately from what your husband may or may not be able to give you. Also, remember that you can always develop a relationship with our Heavenly Father.
I grew up without my father as well and spent many years denying the desire that I had to receive fatherly love. As a child, I did not know how to fulfill that void, but as an adult, I developed a strong relationship with God. While the physical guidance (earthly) and spiritual guidance (Heavenly) are different, you might find comfort in developing a spiritual relationship with God.
As you move forward on your quest to seek fatherly love, please remember that you can get the fatherly love that you are missing by trusting in the Lord and calling him Father. After all, we were fashioned in his image and likeness (Genesis 1: 26-27).
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
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