Dr. Buckingham,
A few years back I discovered my wife having secret phone calls and text messages from an old high school flame. After some extensive research, I found out this guy has been in the background for years. Mind you, my wife is in her mid 30s but has been in contact with this guy since high school. He even asked her to marry him more than once while we were engaged.
I also found out she set up a secret email for him to contact her while we were engaged.
After getting caught, she changed her phone number, deleted the email account and insists she told him not to call her anymore. She also insists they only slept together one time a couple years before we met, but remained friends afterward. (I think this is BS)
What also bothers me is her two sisters still communicate with him, which brings me to wonder why is she still somehow tied to this dude after all this time. I would really love to be able to trust my wife, but right now it’s just not happening. I sense there was way more going on than the secret phone calls and texts.
Everything I ever found out, I’ve had to discover on my own. She never admits anything until it’s presented to her with evidence. How can I trust my wife If she is dishonest? Does she deserve to be trusted?
Thank you in advance.
Confused Husband
Dear Confused Husband,
Sorry to hear about your marital hardship. I am not sure how you can trust your wife. Trust is earned through action. Unfortunately, your wife has not given you any reason to trust her. You had to transform into a marriage inspector in order to get your wife to come clean.
Your wife has some strong ties to the guy that she is not being honest about. For some, letting go of old flames can be difficult. Given this, I believe that individuals should be upfront and honest. It appears that your wife has boundaries and honesty issues. These are not qualities of a trustworthy individual. If you are questioning her actions and response, you are not ready to move toward restoring trust.
Your wife deserves whatever you can offer and cope with. If you can work through your distrust and learn to forgive her, then she deserves to be trusted. I say this to remind you that your wife is responsible for her actions and you are responsible for yours. If you decide to remain married, you have to be dedicated to the rebuilding process. The rebuilding process may also need to include a family intervention because your wife’s sisters may be part of the problem.
Please review the article I wrote a few weeks ago about restoring trust. The following three strategies are outlined in detail.
- Trust Restoring Strategy #1 – Realize that restoring Trust takes Time and Work.
- Trust Restoring Strategy #2 – Express Your Emotions and do not allow them To Build.
- Trust Restoring Strategy #3 – Be solution focused.
Restoring trust is not a simple decision, but it is process that takes time. View and experience the process with a positive mind. Restoring trust is a very delicate process that requires sound thinking. Strive to maintain a clear and forward thinking mind if you want to save your marriage.
Do not hold on to the past. Give your wife a second chance and judge her by her current and future behavior, not past. Also, seek individual and marital therapy. Sometimes it is best to have an objective ear to help process and make sense of emotional distress.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
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Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
I am sorry to hear about how trifling your wife is. It is obvious that she didn’t respect you or the relationship because she had an affair behind your back for years. Sometimes in life, you have to just cut your losses. From your letter, it shows that she doesn’t deserve anymore chances. If this was just a one time thing, I would say work it out and seek some help. Unfortunately, she has been cheating on you over and over and over and over again which shows that she cares more about the other man and her selfishness verse you. This female is scandalous and putting your life in danger because you don’t know what that man or she will do to you. Many men have been murdered by the cheating female or her side man. Besides, she is not worthy of a good man like you. Don’t lower your standards to be with someone that is low down and trifling. There is a good woman our there for you that will respect you like the king that you are.
I’m sorry but her heart is with this other guy. She will never truly get him out of her life. As we get older. We all seem to settle on partners. Maybe this is a guy that she cannot see being with on paper but that is obviously whom she really wants to be with.
I say cut your loses and let thing go down their right natural path. What makes it worst is that her family is in on it. So now the inside joke is how she steps out on you.
She is doing what is best for her. It’s time for once that you do what is best for you. You deserve better than this.
I’m going thru this exact situation right now man. It will drive you insane “not knowing”. That whole ‘be positive’ thing is easier said than done. In our early 20’s(we’re 30 now) my wife would be on me about everything she thought was questionable. But now she does those exact same things and thinks its nothing…how ironic. She doesn’t want to talk about anything, says I should trust her just BC.